Blessed and Broken

Remembering and Celebrating

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 21:27:00 +0000

Read this on the mooney's blog, and had to "borrow" it, as it really does reflect our hearts as well.

"This year we remember the One

sent to earth as a child as we ourselves:

Remember one. Enjoy one. Anticipate one."

Christina (with baby #3 - Elizabeth Hope in tummy),

Wrigley, Travis - 2.5years old, Mitch

Defining?

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:54:00 +0000

"The experience of loss does not have to be the defining moment of our lives. Instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss. It is not what happens to us that matters so much as what happens in us. It's about the grace that can transform us in the midst of sorrow. and joy not after the darkness, but even in the midst of it."

I read this late last night as i browsed some blogs and sites on mothers of infant loss. This was prob. on the book jacket of some grief book, forgive me for not knowing exactly which one. but this spoke directly to my heart and convicted me to the point that i felt i must post it. I had a friend tell me back in august that no one thing should define us, responding to me feeling like all i was in that moment was a mom of loss. That first year of loss was defining. It was/is a process and there were days i felt like i couldn't burden one more person with my grief. And then there were days where i felt a great witness, for His glory, as i celebrated the life God let me carry. Then i read this quote and it brought it all home for me....

The experience of the loss isn't what defined me/us. It happened to us..and it's the beginning of a new journey...but it's how I'm living her life and death now. And how I'm responding to it. That could mean that I live it with joy even in the darkness, or it's in the moments where we really struggle to see the light. Either way, if we LET Him, His grace WILL transform us. We have a free will in all of this. We have to decide to glorify God even in the darkness. We don't go to church for ourselves. We go to church to show our God how grateful we are that HE IS GOD. full stop. For me, it's about how grateful i am that i am NOT God. I am able to surrender this pain at the foot of His cross, knowing that i place it in very capable hands. God continues to show me over and over again that He's got my back. It may not be in my time line. And in certain situations where i long for answers, it may not even be in this LIFE time..but I will know as i am known. and that's enough for me.

About a week ago, we had a playdate at a friend's house. This friend brought me into their already existing circle of friends/playgroup of boys and they all welcomed me, warts and all i always say. With our first year of loss finally behind us, i felt more like my old self and more like the friend i wanted to be to others. (in that first year,i felt like i couldn't be anything but someone who sucked all the air out of a room when i was sad or needed to cry. I felt like i COULDN'T be a friend.) but they kept me around anyways. At the playdate, we took a picture of all the kiddos. and each one was with their little brother or sister (we've all since had 2 babies, which is totally awesome! and two of us are cooking our 3rd). When the picture was emailed around later that day, my first thought was how fun it was to see each of them growing into the little men (and woman) they will become. Then i saw that travis was sitting without his little sister. And just that fact that it wasn't my FIRST thought is progress in itself. As i let it sink it that it was ok to notice it, and that it was ok to mention it to close family, i really just asked God to bring His peace into my heart because He was going to fill that space of missing. He would have to be ENOUGH for me until i get to see her again.

The next morning, I received two gifts from Him, reminding me and in a way, rewarding me for trusting in Him and letting Him be enough. (it's something i've struggled with all my spiritual life) The first gift came from THIS BLOG, Jamie - mom to Asher and my boy Jude + #3. She took the time to recognize that travis is a big brother too, even tho Cana was not pictured. This small gift of remembering our girl was a HUGE offering to me. And in that moment, i saw God use her to remind me that what matters to me matters to Him. A few moments later, an email popped in from Patsi/Bethany and it said "So very cute of all the boys, but so sad that Cana is not there with Travis...." and again, God is telling me He will put it on the hearts of those who love me and He will use them to remind me over and over again that He is near. I am just so grateful to those who took me in, while in the midst of the grief, and have walked with me as i journey out of the darkness, learning to walk in the joy and celebration of life again.

An email Prayer Request

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:56:00 +0000

Fr. David Noble (LEFT-glasses) and Fr. Bruce Noble (RIGHT)

Hello friends and family
i call on you once again to join me in prayer for Fr. David Noble and brother Bruce (see email below). Fr. David, if you remember from our journey with Cana, was the priest on hand for her baptism last Oct. 8 at Texas Children's. We had never met, and when i told him our daughter's name, he stopped in his tracks, then sharing that he had been very involved in marriage encounter and that the sat. night experience during the weekend retreats are called "Cana." He then stayed 4 hours past his schedule to baptize her and then sat with us in the cafeteria and prayed with us and over us, sharing in our story and even sharing a bit about theology of the body. It was just as God had ordained so now i ask you all, as I ask our daughter to intercede for God's perfect will to be done, ultimately healing Fr. David in whichever way God plans. For strength and for beauty in the suffering to be seen as a witness to all.

peace of Christ,
c.

Dear All,

UPDATE on the NOBLE FATHERS:

You may not be aware but Fr. Bruce Noble recently attended a Marriage Encounter weekend. He and his identical twin, Fr. David Noble, were Marriage Encounter priest years ago and presented over 1000 weekends on 5 continents! Fr. Bruce has recently discerned to become a presenting priest again and just attended his Deeper weekend.

Much to our shock and sadness, his brother, Fr. David very recently was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with colon & kidney involvement. He is slated to go to MD Anderson tomorrow to start therapy. After the Deeper Weekend, a week ago, both Fr. Bruce & David flew to Tampa for a retreat /conference in regard to the Anglican entrance into the Catholic church. While there, David got ill and was taken to the hospital where they performed emergency colon surgery. He now has an ostomy bag. Everything is happening very fast and they are greatly in need of prayer. They are still in Tampa and are hoping to get home today or tomorrow and go straight to MDA. Fr. Bruce sounded upbeat this morning when I talked to him.

Our hearts and prayers go out to Fr. David and Fr. Bruce, who have a very special relationship, living and working together, serving the God's people in marriage and hospital ministries all their lives. Let us pray that God may, in His great mercy and love, heal Fr. David.

Storm the heavens with prayer!

Please pass this to all your parish prayer groups and all you know.

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 03:29:00 +0000

I promise, I'm still here. Just to give you the quick run down of the latest happenings:

• Halloween was fun! Here's our lil spider man. He also got a haircut that day, his first professional faux and let me just say, he rocked it out! He was so impressed with himself, first admiring the do' and then...almost holding back the look of "dang! I look goood!" It was a pretty hilarious sight.

• We are 16 weeks (+ a few) along with our #3 and we'll find out what we're having on Dec. 2! So excited! A bit to share on how the last ultrasound went but more how i felt during it. Baby is healthy and super active. Every once in a while, i think i feel a flutter. I just have to wait to see if it's just gas. :)

• Travis and I enjoy our time together a little bit more now that the first trimester is over. I have my energy back and we take more walks. Of course, the 70 degree weather helps a bit. We talk a lot more and it's a joy to see him "work it out" as he forms the sentences and chooses just the right words.

• I am preparing for CRAFT SHOW #2, St. Anthony of Padua in the woodlands, tx, DEC. 4/5, 09. I am uber pumped and as i fill orders (thank you Lord for your provision in orders and in this gift), i am trying to also build up more inventory for the show. Mostly, i'm excited to be in the woodlands and at one of my home parishes, as this is where Mitch and I got married and where i met my dear friends Courtney and Cameron. Looking forward to lots of familiar faces. And i'd love to see a few new faces too! (i.e. buy! buy! buy!)

• Mitch and I are enjoying the little boy we are watching grow up and we anticipate with little anxiety the day travis will meet his new little. Because travis was so young when his little sister Cana was born, he really won't have the memory of her in my belly or out. But with this new life, i love that he is so involved and questioning and concerned and thinking of new things to ask:

"is there a baby in there?

"baby not ready yet. too small.
baby needs to grow and grow and grow."

"where's yer belly button? that's how baby eats."

"Is there a lot of water in there?"

"Can i take the baby to the park for a walk? On the slide?
I'll share my toys."

"ssshhhh..baby sleeping."

And my personal favorite:

"mommy needs rest."

As time goes by...

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:46:00 +0000

As time goes by, i find that i've thought more and more about the days after Cana's bday and resurrection day. What helped to focus so much on that time was my dear friend Nikki was sharing her journey as they prepared for and gave birth to their baby girl Johanna. Sweet girl lived for 63 minutes and i'm humbled to be walking with them as they journey forward in grief and celebration, sorrow and joy. I found my heart longs to be received as i reach out to walk with others on the same road we are on. It offers healing to not only my heart but theirs, i pray. It's my joy to carry the cross as others have shown us and walked with us. And it gives me comfort in my own pain, to know God can use us even in our brokenness,..if we LET Him. And that is when the joy returns. What a God we serve that gives us a taste of His grace and glory as we encourage the body of Christ, even when it's not so easy. It's never easy to approach suffering. But the gifts He gives us..the strength in the battle....it's all Him. I'm so proud of this family. Something i feel we need to hear often during this time. To give our bodies so completely to the Lord, and to have the life that grew within us..to have to hand that life back to the Lord, as He has asked...may seem impossible. But God makes all things new! And we get to witness that in faith...our girls have been made new. Nikki, i am so proud of you. I am so humbled to call you friend. I hope you can heal as we walk together....United in Christ.

Celebrations

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 03:34:00 +0000

The past few days have been filled with more grace than I could have imagined. And while it's true what they say, the lead up and anticipation of the 1 year anniversary of the death of your child is worse than the day/s itself....i can only imagine how much harder these past few days would have been without all your prayers. We truly felt covered by all of you. I personally feel DIFFERENT today. I actually felt different as we drove away from the gravesite. It was like "ok. we got thru that year. It's time to look ahead now." That one year anniversary was just a huge black cloud..a black hole, if you will, which seemed to just suck the life and joy out of my days. I really do FEEL like i can walk a little lighter. I thank you all for carrying this burden and sorrow these last few days. I felt every single prayer, and every offering. I know the body of Christ spent some time at the gates of Heaven for us this week.

Oct. 8 - we went to The Aquarium Restaurant for lunch.

After lunch, we picked up cupcakes for cana's bday. And at 432pm, we sang happy birthday and let travis blow out the candle.

For dinner, we ordered Italiano's and shared some time with family at home. Elizabeth included, of course. Cause she's family.

Oct. 9 - I slept in, then mitch took a nap. We all woke up late from naps to rush around trying to get out of the house in the pouring rain, to be at the gravesite around 415/430 but I decided to have some spectacular morning sickness as we were getting ready...slowed us down to make our arrival there about 5pm. (sorry jamie!) We picked up some flowers, brought the cupcakes, towels, and some umbrellas. On the way there, the sun poked thru and God reminded us of His promise and covenant with a very quick and beautiful rainbow. Ah..that's just like God to do that! We really wanted to create the celebration mood and i think we did! My adopted parents, Jeanne & Duane, even came out in the rain. And, of course, Elizabeth, my crutch, was there too. She brought Cana some daisy's.

Then we came home and enjoyed some Arroz con Pollo, ala Grandma, and just vegged, enjoyed the time together, and honestly...felt a renewed joy...esp. since the first real cold front of the year rolled thru. Mitch and I opened the windows, watched some "HOUSE" and shared how neat it was that God gave us some nice cool weather on her resurrection day anniversary. He said "you know...i wait 365 days for this moment..and He gives it to us tonight." Timing.

Today, Oct. 10, was the MEND "walk to remember." We took travis and shared a quick walk, a really neat sharing by Nancy Guthrie, some praise and worship...and then they call your child's name/s and you are allowed to place the personalized ornament on a tree. Then we all head out to the parking lot for the balloon release. *we had coached travis on this all day....because he's deathly afraid of losing his "other" balloons (free balloons at the grocery store, etc) as we walk to the car, so i told him we were ALL going to let them go..up up up to Heaven, to celebrate Cana's bday. At first, he was pretty panicked, then I think he got it, and we really enjoyed watching him experience this. It was overwhelming to see them all. Pink for girls, Blue for boys, and white for miscarriages. Heartbreaking. But so beautiful to know all our babies are dancing with Jesus.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt - the final hours

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 20:38:00 +0000

As soon as Fr. Bill Young arrived (previous pastor -St. Thomas More, current at St. Vincent De Paul - houston, tx), Mitch and I took him in to meet our girl. Fr. Bill blessed her first. And as we surrounded her nicu box, Fr. Bill held her feet, and studied her stats. He asked for all the details, which we spared none and we shared why we'd called him there, since she had already been baptized. We did as we knew to do...seek wise counsel. We knew in our hearts what God was asking of us..but we also needed the reassurance of someone wiser than us. I just remember Fr. Bill saying..."this is not what God wants for her life. This is not what He wants for YOUR life. You can let her go. You can feel no guilt about the right thing here. The technology is here to prolong her life, but what kind of life will that be. no...she can go home now. " Mitch let out a sob. I turned to him, pulled myself to his side. It was like he had been holding his breath the whole time, and as Fr. released us from our burdens of feeling like we were giving up on her, not fighting for her hard enough, Mitch could finally breathe. I saw the pain of what was to come as well as the relief of not having to watch her suffer any longer..all in that moment.
*mitch's baby sister, Melissa, died on his 14th birthday, of Leukemia. She was 12. I know the memory of her life and the memories that he missed getting with her was wrapped up in this pain. God gave the milbrandt family a little joy back when our first boy, Travis, was born ON Mitch's birthday, and Melissa's resurrection day, 19 years later.

We walked Fr. Bill out and met all those still waiting to say their goodbyes to us. We hugged everyone, told them we'd update them as the night went on. It was around 4pm, as best i can recall. My mom, mitch and i walked down, got some chickfila, and headed to our room to talk about the plan for the coming hours. Mitch made sure i was settled in the room and then told me he was going down to spend some time with Cana alone. I hadn't realized it, but up until that point, mitch still hadn't had ANY time alone with his daughter. That broke my heart. He left me with my mom, we ate. I asked her if she could understand, we needed to do this..just mitch and I. We didn't want other family in the room with us. We needed to let her go..together. just the two of us. She understood completely. Said she'd had a full hour alone with her, told her goodbye. I was grateful she was so supportive of our decision. I called my dad, and he was getting ready to head back out to see us. I told him no. He breathed a sigh of relief. My dad hates funerals, and hated that we had to have the memory of letting her go and all that would mean for us...and what it would look like. but he didn't want the memory himself. I free'd him of it. Told him I'd call him later with updates.

Around 620, i headed down to NICU. I walked my mom to the elevator, and walked myself, alone to do the inevitable. I remember time slowing down. I remember all the noise evaporating. I remember everything i saw, clearer, and at the same time, i remember nothing but the carpet beneath my feet. Alone in the hallway, my heart spoke to God's. I felt peace, i felt anxiety. I felt relief, i felt...fear. I felt alone. I felt His presence. I felt weak. I felt like i was floating the entire way there. I felt like I had cement cinder blocks around my ankles. I felt everything. But i felt nothing.

"God...i do NOT want to do this. I miss the "burden" of not wanting to go work out. I miss the burden of not wanting to get up early in mornings. I missed what i thought was the hard stuff in life. But this...this was unfathomable. To have to turn off a machine and watch my child, my baby, who not 2 days prior was safely within my belly, to watch her breathe her last breath. How was i going to DO THIS? I don't WANT this memory, Lord." Never before was i more in line with Christ and His cross. Never was it clearer to me, that i was suffering WITH Christ. I was right in the garden. I was sweating blood. I was begging God...if it be your will Lord, PLEASE let this cup pass before me. I CAN’T do this.....and He said "not without me, you can't."

I got to NICU, and held Mitch's hand and they began the process of moving us to the private room. it took a while, about 20 minutes. By now, it was around 6:50pm, just before shift change. Our nurse amber, took me to a room as they were getting Cana ready to be moved, and let me pick out a gown she could wear, that had been donated to NICU, so we could have the memory of seeing her in a dress. So we could take pictures of her. Also, while we were gone, they did a cast, a mold of her hands a feet. She still had some of the white casting clay on her hands, under her nails. They took us into the private room, and we turned off as many machines as we could without hurting her...we left her oxygen on as long as possible. We dressed her in the dress and took pictures. I've held back on posting those...and haven't shown hardly anyone in the family because to me, the Trisomy was fully noticable and she didn't look the same as the day before. Also, because i wasn't able to breastfeed her, the jaundice was really taking hold and she was very yellow. I don't see much of the life in her as i'd seen previously. So it's hard for me to look at these. But i wanted to assure you, all the pics you see here, every pic ever taken of her, she was alive in them all. And for that, i'm so grateful.

Amber asked us if we wanted her to stay. We didn't want to make her..she had a family of her own. Looking back, i wish we had let her stay. Since we opted for comfort care, they gave her some meds, and ....this is the hardest part,....this is when we feel she really left us. It all happened so fast. Mitch held her first, i took some pics. We were just talking to her, kissing her, praying the Our Father, and the Hail Mary. We had asked them to turn off the heart monitor so we didn't have to hear it flat line. They had it on outside the room. Amber left, we thought. About 5 minutes later, she came in...and said "it's happening faster than we'd imagined. She's going...." Mitch and I broke..."please...give her to me." Without a flinch, she was in my arms...

"cana. we love you. we love you so much. you. are. perfect. I'm sorry you didn't get to meet your big brother. pray for him. pray for all of us. You run to Jesus, baby girl. you RUN to Him. You don't have to stay here. We love you enough to send you home. I'm so glad you get to go. I'm so glad you stayed with us so long. I'm so grateful we got to meet you. You are so beautiful. You are so beautiful. "

I kept my fingers on her chest. I couldn't see it moving up and down, she wasn't breathing. but i could feel her heartbeat....every so often. After a while, she took one last gasp....and the heart beats stopped. It was around 740pm. A nurse came in, and apologized for interrupting. He said he needed to check her, that they were no longer getting a heart beat on the monitor. He put a stethescope on her and confirmed it was just more like "electrical firing" than beating. She was gone. He stood there for what felt like a full minute, just awkwardly waiting for...we don't know what...so i asked him "are you calling it? i need to know the official time." He said yes. It was 745.

We stayed with her for a bit. Sometimes i wish we'd stayed longer. Sometimes i am assured we stayed just the right amount. But we both felt holding her now was just...too hard. She was gone. God's mercy was present. God gave us everything we'd asked for. A full term pregnancy, a live and natural birth, great doctors, a baptism, wise counsel, an end to her suffering, a peace that we loved her right back to His arms.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt - Oct. 9, 2008 pt 1

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:56:00 +0000

I was awakened at 6:40 am to a visit from the attending OB. You know, that fun "Oh you want to stick your hand into my uterus to make sure it's not smooshy" check up. She comes in, rather abruptly, and as she does the vitals, she asks "is your baby in the nursery?" "no. nicu." She says nothing. I have my very first experience with the "what say." That's what i call them now. The thought of "what do i tell her to not make her uncomfortable. what do i say right now?" Then she says "I like your crucifix. I thank her and then do the typical chris + 6:40 am thing. "Are you Catholic?" I ask. She nods. "me too." I say. (DUH!) then i proceed to laugh at myself for a moment.
I fall back asleep for about and hour before breakfast comes in. I can't eat..much. We get up and slowly get ready to head down to NICU because they are doing rounds at 9 and we need to be there to hear what they are seeing, thinking, diagnosing. I hate that i didn't sleep in NICU with her. I hate more that she didn't sleep in my bed with me.

I remember there was this whole process of having to call first, talk to the nurse at our/her station, find out if there was any updates before we head down. I still have the little piece of paper that mitch wrote the number down on. It's interesting how we (humans) work. Not having her here..means this tiny piece of paper is like gold to us.

We got down to NICU in time to see/hear the team talking about her. About 6 interns/docs standing around her unit, speaking softly in terms we don't understand. "mumble mumble MITRAL VALVE...mumble mumble VSD...mumble mumble TRISOMY 18." Wait..that one we know! We had both just been staring at our girl in her box, just feet away, but we were unable to get to her. When we heard "looking like Trisomy 18, we'll know more in 24 hours." It was like we could each feel each others heart drop into our stomachs. He looked into my eyes...and whispered..."wasn't expecting to hear that again." It was like we were running a marathon, and someone had put out trip wire. We fell flat on our faces. As soon as they dispersed, I ran to her side. We talked for a moment, Cana and I. She was sleeping. I told her i missed her, was sorry i didn't stay with her longer in the night. I held her hand. Touched her feet, her head, her ears. She looked different in the morning. As soon as they said T18, i could see it so clearly. Up until then, i just saw tiny features and crooked ears. That was a rough moment.

We met the new nurse, Amber.

We left to get something in our stomachs, some coffee and a bagel. We sent out a text with what we'd heard, and then offered that visitors were not welcome until further notice. We ate outside of NICU and then headed back in. Around the corner from NICU was the milk station. I wondered if I'd be able to pump and i wondered if I'd need to. I had that thought 15 times in those 2 days we were there. When we got to our girl, a Dr. Ivory and another nurse asked us to meet. They had the results from Cana's heart echo from the night before. We sat in a tiny office within the NICU. Dr. Ivory started out by drawing a heart, and how it was supposed to work. I smiled. He noticed. I stopped him and pulled out the drawing/write up that Dr. Arne had given us in July at my first echo. (I remember Dr. Ivory was very relieved. He said later that that meeting with us could have been so much harder on HIM and he was proud of us and proud to know us and told us we were very brave and that if it was he and his wife having to go thru this, he thought they would live it the same way. It felt so good to know the dr. who is overseeing your daughters life..is a Christian. We could see he was touched by our faith. It strengthened us to know God would use us in this.) As we looked at the paper together, Dr. Ivory confirmed everything Dr. Arne had drawn. I had made it my mission to understand the workings of each abnormality as best i could and it seemed to help me.....to let go, to see that we'd given her every chance. There was no mention of T18 at this meeting. The genetic testing would take awhile.

We stopped back by the computers on the way out, Dr. Ivory showed us Cana's echo, confirming what we'd seen back in July. I asked Dr. Ivory if he knew/met the Cantrell's. Charlie and Ali's Cate had been there just a few months before, but in the cardiac picu. (i think.) Dr. Ivory lit up. He said "Cate!" I smiled. Charlie and Ali's strength was before us as was their brokenness. In their sacrifice and surrender, they taught us so much. Dr. Ivory mentioned their blog, asked how they were. It was strengthening to have a connection to the Cantrell's thru Dr. Ivory.

After this meeting, we stayed with Cana at her station in NICU. I asked if I could hold her and Amber (our nurse) had to help because of all the stuff hooked up to our girl. Mostly it was the line from her belly cord and the oxygen. I sat in a chair and held her for almost an hour, Mitch stood and watched as he only wanted that time to be mine. I've never shared the video below. it's one of my favorites, minus my singing. :) It's the song i sing (or hum) to travis every night at bedtime. I realized during pregnancy that when i would rock travis at night, it would probably be the only time i would have both travis and cana "on my lap" together. So i couldn't think of anything else to do when i rocked her for the first...and last time. Her oxygen levels would drop a lot during this time...because i would try to hold her closer or i would feel I was moving too much and the o2 would come out of her nose. I panicked a lot, just trying to enjoy her but i was worried i was hurting her (suffocating). She would cry out when the o2 would drop.

After that hour, we left NICU and found our friend Kelly.We took her in to meet Cana. We didn't stay long. During this time, I asked Mitch to text a few and let them know it was ok to come out to meet her. Kelly came back to our room with us for a bit to rest and then my mom came out. We filled her in and went back to NICU and we met Dr. Nelson. He asked us to meet with him and Dr. Ivory about what our next move would be. So mom went in to see her granddaughter and we went to a meeting room outside of NICU.
It's this meeting that i can hardly remember...i have huge holes in my story at this point. I'll just share what i can recall. We sat across from Dr. Ivory, Dr. Nelson and what i believe was like an HR person. It was a big meeting table. There was a phone, a big white dry erase board. Not much else. They told us their specialist was 99% sure it was T18. But that the testing would take a few days. There was no surgery that would save her. They would do whatever we wanted. The technology was available to us but we already knew we wouldn't be putting her thru any. We asked if we should wait for the genetic testing to come back before we made any decisions. They said no. They knew. We asked what would happen next. With comfort care, they said it was up to us when to turn everything off. They would give us a private room to have our time with her and I asked how long we would have with her after the machines turned off. Dr. Nelson said prob. a few hours. Maybe 3, but there was no way to know for sure. I asked if she'd have any pain. He said with comfort care, they would make sure she didn't. (this meeting was much longer than i explain it here, but like i said, there is a lot i can't remember.) Mitch and I asked for some time to talk about what we wanted. They left us in the room. All i could think was "oh crap..people are coming up here to meet her. We need OUR time with her. We have to call everyone and tell them not to come out." I felt so bad. We decided that whoever was there already, we would take them in to meet her...and we would call Fr. Bill Young, seeking wise counsel, to make sure we weren't giving up on her. That just because the technology was available to us, didn't make it God's will for her, for us. I went out to see who was there, and mitch called Fr. Bill and called those we thought may be coming out. I walked out to see Patsi, Bethany and Derek and Elizabeth. Patsi and Bethany are dear friends (mother/daughter), Derek is Cana's Godfather, and Elizabeth is my best friend. My mom was still with Cana.
*mom told me later that Dr. Nelson went in, and told my mom that she must have done something right with me, because my faith was admirable. Praise God.

We brought Patsi, Bethany, Derek and Elizabeth in to meet her and bless her if they wanted. We explained what we would have to do. Asked them to understand we would have to ask them to go so we could have our time with her. Fr. Bill arrived within 20 minutes and we went in to see her.

*i will post this today and leave the remainder of our journey WITH Cana for tomorrow..or later. if you are still with us, thank you. I know this is a long story/read. I'm honored if you are following along.

I'll try..tomorrow.

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 01:50:00 +0000

Before I try to post my promised (and i'm sure much anticipated) :)Oct. 9th - Cana's Resurrection Day retelling....i just wanted to let you know
I'm doing...better. I am still offering up my sad moments in faith and for Cana's little bro/sis in my tummy. And for all unborn babies..and especially all moms with fatal diagnosis pregnancies.

But today, i share that today is PRO-LIFE sunday in my faith and Oct. is Respect Life month. I LOVE that my Cana was born in October. I love that i have my entire faith community listening to homilies and gospel readings on how we recognize life IS life from conception to natural death. For us, that gap was too close for comfort. The conception to natural death for Cana was less than 10 months. It was just 37 weeks. But what an amazing 37 weeks. It was hard not to think just all about her today. And as I stood outside for just an hour at 230 this afternoon with about (wow, i'm terrible at judging crowds...and distances, just an fyi)...i'd say about 75?...well, as we stood and heard mostly honks of encouragement and just a couple reminders of the enemy, i would say i felt overjoyed to stand there, knowing what i know today..knowing i gave her every chance to live. That she gives me my purpose to live every pregnancy just the same way. Knowing I wouldn't trade her Heaven for my missing...Knowing my merciful Lord and His hand in my life. and on my heart. and in my sorrow.

We are hoping to celebrate both her earthly birthday and her resurrection day differently. We are hoping to create memories that will bring us joy..as we watch travis enJOY his little sister's first birthdays.

enduring the cross. embracing it as best i can today. And i remember always...suffering + obedience = glory.

hurting. angry. scared. alone. frustrated. abandoned.......faithful.

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 20:31:00 +0000

As I type all the title of this post, i feel each and every one of those words...well, ALMOST all those words. With my entire being. My whole entire body feels the effects of being hurt, angry, scared, alone, frustrated. abandoned. But i don't necessarily FEEL faithful. I want to feel faithful. I just don't when i feel all those other things. I'm begging God to show me the truth in my brokenness. Today is a hard day. Again.

I know being pregnant again brings not just the hormonal ride of my life, but add to it the grief and the timing of being less than 2 weeks away from the 1st year anniversary of holding our baby girl as she breathed her last..and i'm just lost in this.

I also know that I am still responsible for my emotions and my responses to others, whether they get it or not. I cannot expect the world to stop spinning and just run to my aid as we prepare for that 1 year mark. But even tho i can't expect it...i want it. I want it so badly.

But while i feel all those things...while i feel so completely alone in this journey...even if its just for a day, an hour, a moment...I KNOW that God is still God. I KNOW that HIS will is perfect. I don't even know how to pray another way now. I don't want what I want. I recognize that if I can't even figure out if what i'm feeling is rational....then how the heck can i know what is best for me. I am trusting that all of this emotion is part of a greater good. A witness. A willingness to be open to life.....again. A sacrifice in giving up my body again, so that life may grow within me..and asking God to bring me healing as i surrender to His will.

I pray that even in my pain, you will see the faithfulness of God to me. Just because He asked me to carry a life i couldn't "keep here," doesn't mean He isn't faithful and merciful and perfect. Even in the broken babies, God is still so good to us.

Please remember us and remember our Cana and the wedding feast she is celebrating with her bridegroom every moment of eternity....on Oct. 8/9.

John 2:11

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : Her Birthday - Oct. 8, 2008 pt2

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 02:57:00 +0000

Mitch had traveled to NICU with Cana and the team and i stayed in the room for about an hour to recover before they moved me to my room on the mommy floor. My dad, terri, and my little sister allissa were in the room, and my grandma and my mom stayed too. After a few, the hospital chaplain came in. We had requested our parish priest to come to baptize her, but he had too many meetings. So the chaplain was requested and it was about 5 pm when he came in. Cana was born at 432pm, i forgot to mention that! Fr. David Noble was a twin australian priest! He is adorable! He had been the TCH chaplain for almost 20 years if i remember correctly. It was so neat because Cana's godmother - my sister, was IN australia...so it made me feel better to hear that accent. Just a nice touch, Lord. When i told him our daughter's name, he paused..."you mean, as in the wedding at Cana?" "yes, father." "oh, i will never forget that. What a beautiful name." He explained that when he did marriage encounter weekends, the saturday night is called "Cana." It's a renewing night for the married couples of those retreats. I have a whole talk on why we named her Cana, but it goes pretty long...you know me...so i'll save that for another time too.

Fr. asked me if i wanted him to wait to baptize her till i could get there..i said no. I didn't want any time wasted. He explained that he had actually waited for us to deliver and he was suppose to leave at 4. So it was approaching 530 and it was time. He prayed with me, We video'd it. For diana, my sister in australia. He left for NICU, to find Mitch and Cana. The rest of my family left for NICU with him and my mom and grandma stayed with me. It felt like hours till they got me to my room. They had to wheel me..but i could walk..it's so humbling to be wheeled around. So after we checked into the room, the nurse there had to release me so I wasn't so patient to get her in there to have the niceties and then get me on my way! I told my mom if she didn't wheel me any faster, i was going to jump out and wheel myself. We were a short walkway to NICU. about 4 minutes.

When we got there, my whole family was at Cana's side. Along with the priest...even tho it was already 645 and he was overdue to go home. He stayed for us. I jumped out of the wheelchair and got to cana's side. I called her name. She opened her eyes to the sound of my voice...to the sound of me saying her name. (video below) it's one of my favorite moments with her. That sounds so funny...because i didn't know how limited our moments would be at this moment in time. I just treasure her looking up at me....

We baptized her and my whole family got to stay in the room/unit. In NICU, it has to be so sterile, and after this moment, we were only allowed 1 visitor at a time...so looking back, it was so kind of our nurses to allow this. But i think they knew.

Around 745, we finished her baptism, and we were asked to leave NICU. They had to start a line in her belly button. Because she was so tiny (found out then that she was 4 pounds, 16" long), that it was better to keep the umbilical cord long on her belly because the line was better there, than starting her on an iv and poking at her all the time. This was painless. But it was a sterile procedure. we all were asked to leave. We took it as a chance to get momma some food. I know it seems so strange to want to eat at a time like that...but at the same time, i think human nature longs for something NORMAL because seeing your newly born baby in some sick box is just too horrible to conceive.

After travis was born, all i wanted was a burger and fries. I'm all about tradition..so burger and fries it was. Mitch wheeled me down to the cafe, and we grabbed a bite. It felt weird to eat. We were waiting for our friends Courtney and Jeremy to come up to meet her. They were the only one's we wanted that first night. As we were finishing up, we looked over and saw Fr. David at another table. He was eating. I felt so badly that we ran into him because he looked so tired, like he just wanted to go home. But he was happy to see us, came over to sit with us, asked us how we came up with Cana...and prayed over us. He was wonderful. As he was praying over us, court and jer walked up. I love that they came in to find us being prayed over. Court and J are a strong Catholic couple and it's one of the things that unifies our friendship. It's how court and i met too..at church..serving together, in LIFETEEN.

Fr. David finally went home. And we took court and J to meet her. We couldn't wait to show her off. They weren't done getting the line started in Cana so we had to wait another 45 minutes outside of NICU. We enjoyed that time with our friends. It was so encouraging to have them there with us. It was around 10 pm when we were able to introduce our daughter to them. They both got to bless her with some purified, sterile blessed water.

We spent some time kissing on her. We found out from her night nurse Amanda, that Cana had already had her heart echo and we had to wait until morning for the doctors to look and determine what came next. But Amanda said "but you can see that she is syndromic, right?" it seemed a funny thing to say...all we saw was tiny tiny tiny feet, pink cheeks, black hair, and the cutest little crooked ears. It wasn't until the morning that we heard "trisomy 18" again.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : Her Birthday - Oct. 8, 2008.

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:36:00 +0000

Even tho we just found out we are expecting again, all i seem to think about is Cana. I don't say this with any real surprise in my heart. I mean, the last life i carried was her. But it still surprises me, these highs and lows. I still wonder how much people think about me. I still wonder if I'm walking the road the way God intended me to. I still know that i know that i know...that i would never trade where she is for my need to hold her. "Lord, if you were to give me the power for that one word to bring her back, i would not speak it." (i'm paraphrasing but...man, does that lay it all out for me!) I am grateful for the gift of faith that God has given me..i've never struggled with knowing the Lord and knowing that I need a savior. I often forget to thank Him for that gift, tho. I forget that it IS easier for me than for some. I need to remember this when I begin to question the journey of others...i need to offer the grace and compassion that God has extended to me. Lord, help me to grow..and may I always be closer to you today than i was yesterday.

Cana was induced on Wed. Oct, 8th, 2008. We were told to get to St. Luke's Medical Center in Houston around 530am by the hospital when we "signed up" a few days before. We were told by the OB that was scheduled to deliver me (i had to have a new dr. for this deliver because of the conditions unknown), that i didn't have to be there till 9. Well, we are SO not morning people so 9 it was. More like 915 but whatevs...

We checked in and Anna, my great friend who worked in Texas Children's just a walkway connected to St.Luke's, met us at the check in counter. She works in the PICU heart unit. We got to the room we would deliver Cana in. I was already 3.5cm dilated and fully effaced. Same as with travis. I was already almost 1/2 way there. Because it had only been 15 months since i'd delivered travis, i could (and still can) remember every single detail (and contraction) of his birth. But he was almost 9 pounds. they told me we'd be lucky if cana was close to 5 pounds.

Around 10 am, they started my pitocin. I remember just eating ice, listening to some old school rap on my mp3 and asking Mitch if he was texting, who he was hearing from, if our priest had called yet, had diana called yet (from australia-my sister was gone for a year doing mission work).

I found out that the OB who was going to deliver cana was NOT going to be delivering her. I had some "new guy." Dr. Ivey was great but i had never had a guy doc and wasn't all about sharing my "biz" with some stranger..esp. in this situation. But he was great. A little....shall we say...in touch with his feminine side, but just lovely. We talked about our birth plan - as long as we could go natural, that was what we wanted. He said as long as Cana's heart didnt' show any distress, we could. But many many babies with heart abnormalities die in the birth canal. We still felt this was God's mercy and if we could keep me from being cut open so that i could get to NICU fast, that was how it would go down. Ultimately, we trusted the docs could hear God too and if they said cut, we cut. But our prayer was to push her on out, God's way.

Around 330, dr. Ivey came in and said that he was going to break my water at 4. I was only at 6.5 or 7 and really needed to progress. Like clockwork, at 4, he broke it. And water was EVERYWHERE! Mitch jumped back, dr. ivey shouted to "get another one"..meaning that pad that is supposed to soak up....the nurse was scrambling,,i was apologizing. I felt like i was peeing all over the place. And as it all gushed out, i felt Cana kick me harder than ever! Maybe it was a punch but i felt her just kind of go "what the?????!" Dr. Ivey looks at me very sternly and says, "i'm just going to pull up a chair and do some work over here. She is going to be here fast. " I kind of laughed. He was dead serious. He pulled up a chair, did some paper work...and within 20 seconds, the contractions started. I mean..i hadn't felt hardly a thing all day,..then all of a sudden, it all came flooding back to me. Oh, yes..i REMEMBER THIS! Craaaap!

I didnt' drop any f-bombs. I only dropped one with travis. :) I was listening to Matt Maher on my mp3 player. Your grace is enough. As it is in Heaven. I rejoice.
I just focused on those words...i rejoice. i rejoice. i rejoice in you. in you. in you. I rejoice in you.

I have found that i absolutely love remembering every detail of cana's birthday and birth story. I also know that i love laughing about the little things that are completely embarassing but totally worth sharing. See, i delivered travis in what my nurse sarah called "knee chest" position. Don't let that fool you..i call it "ass up." I delivered travis on my hands and knees. It was awesome and i don't remember hardly any pain in that..but it was humiliating! With Cana, i had the standard...feet in stirrups. And i remember thinking "i don't know how to do this..." but it was actually fine. Except for this part.....
My dr. told me to focus on my breathing..to which i replied "DUH!!!" But i hadn't been doing a very good job....and he just reminded me not to push yet. Then mitch decided to repeat that every 5 seconds! I told him i wasn't and as soon as the words escaped my lips, i said "oh God..i have to push RIGHT NOW." Mitch shouted "DON'T" and dr. Ivey turned around, saw my face, and checked and said "GO!" and i did. I pushed once...and farted. Then, instead of just laughing or just letting it flee from my mind,....no not me..I decided the BEST thing to do would be to ANNOUNCE to everyone in the room (just the 2 nurses, mitch, my dr. and the nicu team) that i had indeed ...just farted. My dr. said "GO!" and a push later, she came flying out. The dr. had to tell me to stop pushing.

She wasn't breathing. The plan was that i would get to hold her first. But because she wasn't breathing on her own, they held her tiny purple body up to show me, and then snatched her to the nicu team and out the door.

Mitch and i cried. I said "i can't believe she's already out of me. I can't believe it was so easy. I'm all done already." Dr. Ivey sewed my one stitch, and I told Mitch i was fine, to go out to the hallway to see her and see what is happening. It was about 20 seconds since i delivered her. I needed him to be with her. They wheeled her in in a tiny box, hooked up to tubes and i reached in and held her hand and said hello to my cana. She was so tiny! I couldn't really see her face. But she knew i was there. I told her i'd see her in a few moments. It was 2.5 hours later when i finally got to her side in NICU.

Just before they took her, mitch handed me the camera. He told me he took video of her.

she is just so perfect.

New Blog Open for Biz!

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:04:00 +0000

Crochet Away!

is open for business! Took me a little while to figure out what i wanted to do as far as a site, but i think that's where i'll park it for a bit. I have paypal set up so any orders emailed will receive a paypal email for payment so you aren't wondering how some stranger is going to take your money.

I have asked God to take this where His will desires...it's more about a hobby that we can pay bills with rather than my desire to be on the cover of TIME magazine. It's more about God giving me something to find purpose in again, after stepping down from youth ministry for the first time in 10 years.

I am going to get back to my Cana's story this week. I have lots to share. And we are in countdown mode...less than a month to go till her sweet 1st birthday....and resurrection day.

Crochet Away

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:47:00 +0000

About a month ago, my amazing Grandma Mary (Lola) taught me how to crochet. Apparently, after years of watching her, God used my hands in such a way that I took to it very quickly. I have found that crocheting is therapy for my heart and soul. It has allowed my mind to focus so intently on the hook, yarn, pattern..that God can then work on my heart and the things i struggle with. It's also so fun to see how they turn out and pray for the little one's who will one day wear them. I don't know how far i'll take this, but we are enjoying it so far. If you are local, one of the baby consignment shops is selling them for me...i call it a 'market test' to see how they will do. At the very least, we'll make a bit to pay for christmas.

They are selling for $15. Or 2 for $25.

or if you bring me 4 orders (just tell them to reference you), i'll give you 1 free!

May again?

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 20:13:00 +0000

I want to start this entry by sharing that i have learned and healed so much with the help and prayers and new friendships of those blogs listed to the right. Many of them are mommies of loss and/or mommies of trisomy 18 babies. It was by the unknown encouragement of some friends who took me into their play date group of boys all around the same age, and the fun they seemed to have with their blogs that got me on here, and then God took it to a whole other level when i was able to connect and share with moms and families who knew the grief journey too well. I have been reminded of the community of faith, that i am not alone, and that we are all in this together, no matter if we never meet on this earth. You have all helped me to "build my muscles", "rehab" this heart that is learning to beat again, and "doggie paddled" along side me as we swim back to shore. I preface this entry because before this week, even when a mommy of loss announced she was pregnant, i struggled. I WANTED so desperately to just celebrate. i felt SO behind.

Today, it is with great joy and a TINY bit of "what if" that i share with you all that we are expecting again! We are very early on (may-ish) but if Cana has taught us anything, it's that Life is to be celebrated from day 1. I will not live this pregnancy in fear...i will treasure the gift that God has again worked His miracle, allows US..a taste of glory as He shows me how to lay down my life so another may live. I feel grateful that we have been able to conceive 3 babies..with no trouble with infertility..i don't want this to be "in your face" for those who do struggle with infertility, longing for more babies. I just want those mommies to know that this heart knows how blessed we are.

I know that it's early..and believe me...we know anything can happen. But we also have shown ourselves that we can trust. And no matter what, i'm a mom of 3 now.

thank you for celebrating with us. Please pray for us as we journey down this new path.

I will still be posting the last of Cana's days with us. Her grave marker will be in soon. I can't wait.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From 26 weeks to 32 weeks

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:39:00 +0000

After the last appt (the heart echo and first diagnosis), we had just the regular appts, even tho always with ultrasounds. That was such a beautiful part of my pregnancy and time with Cana. I got to see her so much as she lived in my belly. As August 08 passed and Sept 08 rolled in, we were faced with some pretty big battles. My church asked me to not participate in serving the youth. I felt abandoned, forgotten about, crushed. Where was the community i had served alongside? Did we not join the "right" ministry, in order to have their help as we faced our darkest days? We felt like we were on some island where they'd pass us by every sunday to offer their "we're praying for you" and their pitiful looks, and then once we were out of sight, we were out of their thoughts. It may not be what was truth, but it was, without a doubt, how we FELT. Oh how satan tried to remind us of his hardwork to break our spirits.

Then a friend, a dear dear friend and really, a woman i admired for years, who reached out to me during our pregnancy more than anyone else, Maria...wrote to ask if she could email those who helped her family during their journey of grief after losing their #3 daughter, Moriah. She wanted to offer financial help and started sending her family of 6's own tithe and wow..God just blew us away with their faithfulness to Him and their hands and feet of Christ to us. She would send us cards almost every day, words of encouragement and hope! I pray she always knows what her friendship means to me.

During this time, another friend, in connection with Maria, started a facebook group called "prayers for cana lynn" and i would see "my" teens join the group, offering encouragement to us. It was quite beautiful to see the teens i'd served reach out to us! On Sept. 11th, I wrote an email to maria this night/morning i was really struggling to stay "afloat" and shared this, in regards to the struggle with being asked to not serve in youth ministry:

"Its caused me to question and doubt every good thing i THOUGHT i did in the name of the Lord. I wonder...i doubt...my heart. My hearts intention. Was it for MY glory? Was i so controlling that the ministry is better without me? That the teens are better without me. Even as i sit here and type that...i can look over and SEE how many of "my" teens signed up for the group on facebook for Cana. It's one teen in particular who will write me often and bring me cupcakes in july on my birthday, and say she is praying for me. Then there is the teen who went to college and thanked God for me bringing TOTB to stmarthas. I see how many of them have girded up in that truth before they left for the world of "college" or as i like to call it "the world who waits to devour them." I am sweetly broken on their behalf right now..because it was FOR THEM that i can sit here now and feel this way..knowing i did let God use me..even just for the one life."

That was Sept 11, and on Sept. 12, Hurricane IKE hit galveston/houston. Sept. 12 was supposed to be our 2nd echo to confirm the first and to plan better for our remaining time with Cana. It was LAUGHABLE because of the lesson of learning to wait on the Lord was something we talked about and laughed about struggling with. This time of waiting was so completely OUT OF OUR HANDS..there was absolutely NOTHING we COULD do..but wait on Him. It just so happened we were to wait on Him through a hurricane and WITHOUT power for the next 8 days....

A few days after the hurricane, when power came back up slowly around town, they rescheduled our echo and another high end ultrasound. It was during this appt that my specialist reiterated that he was pretty certain it was NOT Trisomy 13, 18, or Turner Syndrome. Then, at the echo, another doctor...Dr. Altman (my maiden name, btw) confirmed the results and said that it was about 90% inoperable. Then we were told we needed to take the NICU tour and possibly meet the neonatologist. We walked into NICU and i remember squeezing mitch's hand so tight. It felt like the room was spinning, i tried not to make eye contact with the parents there with their babies. Those tiny babies, all hooked up to machines, some alone in their NICU unit, alone and so tiny in those tiny boxes, alone. all alone. I was starting to lose my breath, i don't remember anything the nurse who toured us said. Not a word. It's almost dream like to remember it. I hated it. I remember that. Just a month later, we would be sitting there, in NICU B-38, with our Cana.

When we came home, still without power, two teens and the new youth minister had cleaned up our yard, and our neighbors yard. Marco and Jonathon and Elizabeth worked all day to pick up all the debris the storm had dropped in our front and back yard. We have about 15 tall pines and about 50% of those limbs and needles were all over the place. They may never know the impact of that small act of love.

Back Home Safely

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 03:03:00 +0000

just a pic to share that we made it back from our mini safely.

thank you for praying for us. Fun pics and stories to share later in the week. and then it's back to Cana's story. As i go thru the dates, i realize i am exactly one year from the dates in the story now. It's an honor to share her with you.

Galveston Mini Vacay...

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 17:18:00 +0000

Just a quick prayer request...

please pray first for our trip to galveston for a mini. We are meeting Mitch's Oregon fam at a friend's beach house and it's over the canals on the bay side of galveston. The house, that is. The deck is above water. It's over water....i keep repeating this in my mind because i'm FREAKING out about having the water so close and the pending fear of losing our one living child in some horrific accident.

I know this is morbid, and i haven't gotten to this part in Cana's story yet, but when you lose a child, when they die in your arms, it becomes very easy to picture losing another. It's dark. It's not where i want to be. but it's very real to us right now at this part of the journey.

Travis is 2 years, 2 months. He is independant and stubborn. And he's SUPER tall for his age. (39") so he can reach and open doors like a stealth. We have been drilling into his head that he does NOT open doors, or run away. (he doesn't WALK ANYWHERE! he RUNS!).

I'm just afraid. Please pray for travis to miraculously just GET IT. And for our hearts to be cautious but free of anxiety. And with hope.

thank you for being with us this long.

couldn't wait...

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 14:15:00 +0000

Those of you who are following my retelling of our journey with Cana,
I just couldn't wait to share some pics of her time with us.

we miss her.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From 22 weeks to 26 weeks

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 20:11:00 +0000

On July 16th, 2008, one day before my 32nd birthday, Mitch and I traveled south to Houston's Medical Center (about 30 min drive for us) for our appt with the high level ultrasound with Dr. Johnson. At the time, i did not know that this drs. office tends to not only high risk pregnancies so i was unaware that there would be other women in the waiting room with healthy babies. I thought that every look from them was a "knowing" look. It wasn't. I guess i was already searching for connection and support.

The ultrasound lasted about an hour. They had a monitor on the wall in front of us so we could watch in color with them as they scanned and searched, whispered and stared.

After about an hour, Dr. Johnson went thru all the images they'd collected and showed us all the abnormalities and concerns. He started out by saying "whatever you decide, we're with you to the end." I knew he meant "continuing the pregnancy." We would have many many more appts with Dr. Johnson.

He started out by saying that Cana's heart chambers were messed up. He explained that for certain one chamber was opening to another and the blood just had no direction and was going "all over the place in there." We would have to go to the fetal echo doc to get the whole picture. But it didn't look good. Then he said she only had one working kidney and most likely the other one would be absorbed back into her body. But we can "work" with one kidney. Unfortunately, this issue only pointed to lots of other things...He said her brain was forming irregularly. Too small for her gestational age (3 weeks too small) and it was oblong for no reason. And we had single artery umbilical chord.

When we got home, i immediately wrote an email to all those following our journey and felt a ton of peace. I spent a lot of time back then in worship. I mean, what else was there to do? We just wanted to live in humble obedience and joyful suffering.

2 weeks later:

August 6, 2008, We had our ECHO at texas children's fetal center in the medical center.
Dr. Arni took us into the very small room and asked us to please not talk to him during the ultrasound. I half jokingly asked if it was ok for Mitch and i to talk to each other. He said yes but didn't smile. After an hour of awkward silence and mitch and I trying not to "church laugh" (you know, when you aren't supposed to laugh so it makes wanting to laugh that much worse..so you laugh thru your nose, and giggle...and speaking of which, i kept jiggling the equipment so the tech kept pausing..i really got the "holy spirit" giggles that day). ahem..ok back to the story...
Dr. Nutting asked us to come into his office. We felt prepared.

When we sat down, he began drawing on a photocopy of a healthy heart. Red ink for oxygenated blood, blue for non. Then he began listing and listing and listing...

(click images to see enlarged)

Double Outlet RV • Normally related great arteries • Large Conoventricular VSD w/ inlet extension • Dysplastic Pulmonary Valve • Hypoplastic Aortic Arch

Then he flipped the paper over and began drawing what Cana's heart looked like. Two of her valves (DORV) were stacked on top of each other. The arch was closed off, not sending any blood to the lungs. Her heart just kept recycling it's blood back into itself. There were holes in between all her chambers. It was very VERY medical. But he was kind. It was just hard to understand the heart when it's on a piece of paper. AND it's YOUR daughter's heart. and her life. I asked if he'd ever seen this before. He said "No." He said he had seen these abnormalities on several hearts..but NEVER had he seen ONE heart have all of them. I asked if it was operable. He said they would go in with a plan. The plan: After she was born, she was be taken immediately to Texas Children's NICU to administer the PGE (prostaglandin) which would tell her heart to keep beating outside of the womb. (see PDA-patent ductus arteriosus) Then they would do an ECHO for her and see if the heart had changed. Pending no change, her first surgery would be at 3 days to keep the PDA open and open up her hypoplastic aortic arch (to get oxygenated blood to her lungs). However, if the ECHO showed that the DORV (double outlet right ventricle) had not changed...she would be inoperable.

I asked if I could deliver her natural with such extensive heart problems. Dr. Arni said he thought it best if we leave the option for Csec open...But if we had her natural, i could get to the NICU and by her side in 2 hours. If we had a csec, it could be as long as 12 hours. And no, i couldn't hold her before they took her there. Out of all that news, that was what hurt my heart...that i would lose the option to meet her before she left..and maybe even before she dies.

I remember sitting there, feeling pretty strong..but almost forgetting entirely that Mitch was there too. I still feel badly about that. We were holding hands, that much i remember. The rest was just trying to understand the medical jargon. Then we walked out, got in the elevator and was greeted by a cheery mom who asked if this was our first. We shared we had travis, 14 months, at home. "awww..and is this a girl or a boy?" she asked. "a girl." "awww....you get one of each." yes. yes we did. Because no matter what we faced in the pregnancy..no matter what was to come....God had already given us one of each. Cana already counted.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From 15 weeks to 22 weeks

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 21:21:00 +0000

After the last appt showed her heart rate @ 163, Dr. Laden recommended we make an appt with a fetal specialist at the medical center and also schedule an echo-cardiogram. (i've seen this EKO and ECHO---we'll stick with ECHO for the remainder of her story.) I was almost 16 weeks along when i got a call to schedule the echo but when i asked if i could hold off a month because the appt was going to be intensive and long and we'd need babysitting all day for Travis, they told me no problem. We would call back at the end of June when my grandma, Travis' Lola would be here. (this is Lola with Travis on his bday-May '07)

In between appts w/ Dr. Laden showed no changes, heart beat was always good. Growth was always behind. She showed to be around 17%. Arms and legs were short. Looked to be a kidney issue. But heart seemed to be pumping well.

So when we knew Lola's arrival date, (early july) I called to schedule the echo and specialist ultrasound. And this is where i was faced with the world's view on my baby girl for the first time. Even now, as i type this...almost 1 year to the day..it still makes my heart sink, my stomach flip flop.

I spoke with a woman at the Baylor Clinic (obstetrics and gyn) and she was the coordinator for that office/specialist who would perform the high end ultrasound. I had to go to a different office for the echo. It was a bit confusing because I had to coordinate the appts and try to make them the same day for the drive and parking fees. It went like this:

me: Hi, my name is Christina. I was told to call you to schedule an appt for an ultrasound, referred by Dr.Laden in the woodlands.

she: ~ is pleasant, goes to get my file..when she returns
she says : um....soooooooo....how can i help you?

me: well, i was just told to call you to schedule this. I'm......not quite sure what you mean.

she:well, you are 22 weeks, right? I mean, why didn't you do this last month? You called us a month ago, that would have put you at 15-16 weeks. You know abortions aren't legal in Texas after 22 weeks, right?

me: *stunned silence

she: *she's starting to sound irritated with my "irresponsibility" and says "you know, you are showing signs of Trisomy 13 or 18 and those babies don't live outside the womb. If you proceed with this pregnancy, you are going to have to have a c-section. do you REALLY want to be cut open for a baby that isn't going to live?"

me: Can i please make my appt for the ultrasound? i was told there was no problem for me to schedule this at this time in my pregnancy.

her: *exasperated..."sigh...okaaay."

When i hung up with her, i cried. I cried for my hurt. I cried for the realization that it was going to be us against the world. WE would be her advocates. WE would FIGHT for her life. And we could fight FOR her..and AGAINST the world.

I remember kind of laughing at satan.."oh you are going to have to work harder than this, little man. You are going to have to work a lot harder to defeat me..."

But i DID feel defeated. and alone. And sad. so sad that other women had chosen that option. How could we give up the best 9 months and the best 27 hours God gave us in our daughter's life?

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From 13 weeks to 15 weeks

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 19:00:00 +0000

It seemed like every appointment offered a different hope along with a different concern. At the 13 week appt, Dr. Laden requested that I return weekly to make sure i wasn't starting to miscarry. I remember that appt was a thursday and that friday night, i went up to the youth center (i was still working as a youth minister at the time and really loved being around the teens to remind me how much God was asking us to show them His glory thru us) and i told mitch before i left the house, i was spotting. We both thought, well..this might be it. And we were thankful for the mercy if that was His will. See, i stupidly went home after that appt and did the internet research. WORST thing i ever did. sort of. You want to be informed, but you don't want to be scared out of your mind that your baby is going to be deformed and you won't be able to be strong enough to look at her face..it's a horrid thought. But we are human. And i want to be honest with you all, in hopes that i will offer you the consolation that you aren't horrible if you've thought it, too. So when we thought i was losing her, we were a bit relieved.

It turned out it was nothing. I had placenta previa (partial) with Travis so we had our fair share of scares that go 'round. When the spotting was gone by bedtime, we just watched and took it easy and waited for the next appt. That appt was the beginning of the "good news, bad news" journey. Dr. Laden said the fluid sacs around her neck (cystic hygromas) were almost gone and that could point to a heart condition instead of any chromosome abnormalities. And her heart rate was 163, so the fear of miscarriage was pretty much gone too! Good News! But i had selective hearing at the last appt. and apparently we could still be looking at Trisomy 21, Downs. Bad News. But anything was better than hearing we would most likely lose her before ever meeting her....

Which leads me to the most important thing Mitch and I discerned over the course of the pregnancy. Of course, an amnio would have confirmed all the questions we had. It would have limited the drs. appts, and the medical bills and would have allowed us the chance to better plan for our time with her, should God give us a full term pregnancy and live birth. But it also would have robbed us of the hope we carried along the way. This is just how WE felt about this. I see both sides of being able to have the certainty. I would have had NILMDTS there taking pics for us. I would have held her more, given her a bath, had travis meet his baby sister and held her. We would have done so much differently. But we also believe with all our hearts that would we have had that amnio, we would have lost her then. We were so convicted of this that even today, i have absolutely no regrets in just living the pregnancy. After all, we were going to live it out no matter what the world said.

Mitch and I were united in what we felt God was telling us and preparing our hearts for. We felt God was preparing us for a daughter we would have to give back to Him. But even with the hope at each appt, we....just...knew.

Wait for the LORD;

Be strong and let your heart take courage;

Yes, wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

And even tho we thought we "knew"....we had no idea just how much courage it was going to take to get us down that road..that hallway...that room...in texas children's NICU.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From Conception to 13 weeks

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:19:00 +0000

Writing this is keeping me "afloat." And if you are reading it, thank you...for jumping in to paddle next to me, which encourages us to just keep swimming.

January 26, 2008, some of our very best friends were getting married. I was in the wedding and it was at the same beautiful church Mitch and I said our vows in. So it was a renewal of sorts for us. Travis was just 8 months old. I told mitch, half jokingly, that i was going to be wearing a pretty dress AND was going to be ovulating....so hand's off! Neither of us was ready to be parents of 2 under 2. Fast foward 14 days later, and the test was positive. We laughed at each other...and as i swatted at him with my "i told you!", deep in my belly, i knew something was off.

When i made the appt. with my o/b, we scheduled for march 4th. I was 5.5 weeks pregnant. But no heartbeat was heard. We could see it on the screen and all seems normal in terms of being that early. She rescheduled me for a week later, and assured me that our date was just wrong. (those of you who practice NFP, we always know our conception dates). So a week later, a faint heart beat was found. Dr. Laden told us that our approx. due date would be Nov. 1st. But i knew it would be more like Oct. 20th. She wasn't buying that the conception date was later than i said. I joked that unless i slept thru it......

Dr. Laden asked that I keep returning until our dates line up with baby #2's size. She was measuring at 6 weeks. I was 8 weeks. I was 10 weeks, she measured at 7. My friend Jen and I were pregnant with our #1's together, delivery just 3 days apart. Experiencing all the same stuff bonded us and our friendship grew from there...So when i called her to give her the news, I told her "i'm gonna need a favor. Could you go ahead and get knocked up so we can do this together again?" We laugh today about that conversation. I shared my heart was scared.....i mean, people always say that you forget about the delivery and pain once the child was born. Well, 8 months after Travis and i can retell the story, pain and all. I can STILL remember it. IT HURTS!

Week after week, Dr. Laden assured me that most mommies of 2nd pregnancies with healthy #1's almost always have MORE fear than with the first pregnancy. "Maybe because you know better now what you could lose, " she said. "it's natural to be scared but everything looks good right now." Then we got to week 13. Mitch and I had gone to this appt together and Travis was with my mom on her lunch break...she works very close to my drs. office. The previous appt was just the week before and the dr. said she saw some "extra fluid" around the neck. She said sometimes it goes away..it was still so early, but to be safe, bring mitch to the next appt. As we watched the clock, it was getting painfully close to the 1 hour mark. Time to get Travis. Phew! My name was called and as we got me prepped for the ultrasound, the nurse came back in and asked if we could come back in 1 hour. Dr. Laden was called out for an emergency delivery. We had no option. We picked up Travis, grabbed lunch, and then mitch waited downstairs while i went to the appt. alone. I remember this appt. the most. I remember the deafening sound after Dr. Laden said "well, it's a girl." At 13 weeks, we had never even considered knowing the sex of our #2 that early. She said "it doesn't look good, chris." She proceeded to share that it also showed some chromosomal issues. There are three possibilities. Turner Syndrome (TS) which is the least threatening of the three....is what we are "hoping" for. it would take a lot to explain but for time's sake, let's just say that instead of our baby girl having the XX chroms., she could only have 1 X. This would mean most likely that she will be short in stature, and probably won't be able to have children. There are other problems associated but... we won't know for now.

The other two possibilities are quite severe. Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18...both of which show a great risk of not carrying to full term...or live birth. If the child does live outside the womb, there is a great chance that we would lose her to Heaven within a year...most within the first 24 hours.

I took a deep breath and asked Dr. Laden if she would like to know her name. "Cana Lynn" for the wedding at Cana where Jesus performed his first miracle at the request of his mother, changing water into wine. (John 2:11) and Lynn for her godmother Diana Lynn. My sister and best friend. I walked out of the room, and broke. I tried so hard to keep it together. Seeing all those nurses who i'd spent so much time with over the last pregnancy and years...it was torture not being able to get ahold of myself so that they didn't look so pitifully at me. I don't fault them..it's just that their faces and expressions are locked in now. I just had one floor to go before the doors opened and mitch would be standing there with travis, waiting for the news. As the doors opened, he looked over his shoulder, holding our 8 month old son. Our perfect boy. I walked those 20 steps shaking my head and holding my breath. As i fell into his chest, i told him the news and we just held each other.

We believed that God would be glorified through this..and we didn't have to know "why." We just had to say "yes."

Cana Lynn Milbrandt March 27th, 2008.

Her story as i remember it...

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 01:01:00 +0000

I'd love for this post to be about my girl. But i just don't think my emotional state can handle it. So this blog is a PROMISE (to me? or to you who care to read it?) that i will write and share her story soon.

Today marks day 8 of travis' "sleep strike" (thanks jamie). He takes great naps (2 hours exactly...every day) and he goes down at night without a fight (he gave that fight up at 8 months).
But for the last week, it's been no sleep from 11ish till 4 or 5 am. No breaks. (i don't count 15-25 mins a break.) Then we sleep in seeing as we are both drained from crying..yes, both of us being me and travis....and ok, mitch too. So we all sleep in till 8 or 9 or as late as 1030. It's not a fair trade if you ask me.

So this might be the reason (MIGHT be??) for my lack of emotional stability these last few days.

I'm praying and hoping that tonight will mark the turn of events that will allow us to enjoy my friend Jen and her sweet daughter, Erin..who is coming to visit us for a week, starting tomorrow.
Jen and i were preg. together and delivered 3 days apart. Her friendship came just in time and she's carried my heart in her hands many many times! This is her 2nd visit in less than a year and she's rescuing me and my sanity, i think!

So the life story of Cana Lynn could be up in a week or so. But don't hold me to it.

One more thing,..i recently read a blog on "drowning" and it spoke what i haven't been able to...and i really pray my friends and family can understand what we need and what we long for.

www.lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2009/06/drowning.html

Those of you who have been there with us thru all this,..you know i count you as my "Simon's."

The 5th station of the cross
With every step that Jesus took, the cross seemed to become heavier and heavier.
A soldier notices that Jesus is so weak, that He is stumbling and will no longer be able to carry the cross by Himself.The soldier sees Simon of Cyrene, who is not one of Jesus' followers, and forces him to help Jesus carry the cross the rest of the way.
Simon of Cyrene shouts out to the crowd in fear that he is not guilty of any crime like Jesus was accused of, but that he was being forced to help Jesus carry his cross.
Out of fear, he refused to help, but too frightened, he picked up the cross and began to walk with Jesus to Calvary.

A wedding...trying not to make it about me.

noreply@blogger.com (christina) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:16:00 +0000

This past saturday, Mitch, Travis and I were able to attend the wedding of some friends of ours from church. *sidebar: it was travis' first wedding and he did a pretty good job. The fact that it was our home church made things easier on him/us, i think. Anyways, I was a basket case. I started out good. I was just happy to be in a dress and fancy shoes. It had been a while. Mitch called it "another pregnancy dress." To which i responded with "WHAT???" grabbing my belly and thinking he meant "you look pregnant" or "you can wear that when you're pregnant." But what he meant was the last two times we went to a wedding, we got pregnant. I guess that's a compliment. :)
Ahem,...as i was saying, i started out good. But as soon as i saw that beautiful bride walk down the aisle, i lost it. And it was again..the most overused descriptive word of my year, "bittersweet."

A flood of emotions filled my heart and eyes. (yes, emotions can fill your eyes.) I kept it together for the most part..not wanting to make it about me. I have shared in the past that i feel closest to my daughter IN mass or in our church...unified with her as we receive communion..Christ's own body and blood...as we worship in union with all the saints and angels. But this is a wedding. "This is THEIR beginning. Don't make it about you, Chris. Surrender. Sacrifice. Shut it down. Do whatever you need to do to keep it together." So i did. And i think i've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing this grief. I only let it out with certain people. *thank you, you know who you are. i love you.

What i am able to express about how i felt goes like this:
never would i wish what we've experienced on anyone. But i remember our wedding day. I remember the optimism, the hope, the joy. And lately...it's so hard to pull up that memory without the taste of death. I know that's just par for the course and let me tell you..it SUCKS. But it's our reality now. And some days I receive it with joy and obedience. And some days i want to flip every one off. The anger is natural. yes. But i feel like i'm somehow failing God when i get angry or impatient with our healing. Somehow, i feel like if God has asked us to carry this cross, and someone who may not know the joy of the Lord comes into my path, and it's an angry day, or hour or minute, then somehow i've let God down in glorifying him.

So i don't wish this newlywed couple to ever know the sorrow of losing your child. But a part of me looks at them and longs for the naive wedding day we had. Before we knew of Oct. 9th, 7:45 pm.