Blessed and Broken

Cana, Grace and Theology of the Body Institute

2011-07-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

After falling in love with Blessed JP2’s teaching on TOB (theology of the body) in 2003, I found out in 2005 that there was a Theology of the Body Institute, where you could attend week long classes/sessions, delving deeper into this truth. I prayed for the opportunity, wondered if I’d ever be able to go.

That same year, I began serving the youth of our parish, and i met a senior girl at mass. I had not seen her before, but here she was, sitting next to me, at her senior send off. She was about to go off to college, in Boston. After mass, i turned to her and said “who are you and where have you been?” Her reverence for the Lord was so apparent and it drew me to ask her about her faith. Her name was Nicole, and I shared how impressed i was with her..and then off she went, far away. We became friends on facebook, but with limited contact. I received a card from her after Cana died. She wrote the most beautiful words. I thought, i hardly know this girl. How beautiful she would take the time to write and share her heart with me. That she would pray for our family! What a gift she continued to be. I had no idea she would have a role in my latest blessing.

In January of this year, i gave a talk at the confirmation retreat. I was no longer working for the church, having been quite wounded during my pregnancy with Cana, feeling abandoned and alone. But I still had a heart for these teens, to continue fighting for THEIR hearts. On January 22, the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, i received an email from a friend of a friend, looking for some consolation as the baby she was carrying had just been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. I tried to reach out to her, since she knew of my time with our Cana, and she denied my help. She told me they were terminating. I continued to reach out to her, pleading for her to wait. To let me share the gift of my daughter with her...but she wouldn’t hear me. I was scheduled that night to give a talk to the teen girls at our confirmation retreat. i shared about femininity, gift of self, and Mary. I was able to share about Cana and her time with us. And felt God using me once again.

A few days later, I received a call from a friend, who shared that someone at our church wanted to send me to TOBI (theology of the body institute)! I had not mentioned it recently and was confused and shocked and thankful and broken and rejoicing! It was over a two week period during this time that i felt daily reminders from the Lord that He was still proud of me. I felt Cana interceding for me.

I celebrated on facebook that someone was anonymously sending me to TOBI. And a few days later, Nicole, the teen from Boston, wrote and asked what session i was going to be attending. I told her the summer tob1, and she simply said she had heard the presenter speak and loved him and was excited for me and she would be praying. Just a day after that, the friend who would be the “go between” for my benefactor and me, said that I had the option to go to the summer session or wait for next year, when Christopher West would be presenting again. I paused. I loved Christopher West! I had only heard him present this teaching. I had never heard of the presenter of the summer session. But Nicole JUST told me....that she loved him. I would stick with summer 1. I began to be filled with what i can only explain was a “holy expectation.” I even shared with a few friends how i was TRYING to just LET God show me, without ANY expectation. I didn’t want to expect anything. I just wanted to be present to what HE wanted me to experience. But i couldn’t shake it!

I knew Cana would be a part of “my story” in sharing with the 65+ people attending. I knew I’d get to share about her, about how God showed us what it meant to truly give ourselves to Him in death of self, only to be renewed in His love and mercy and grace and hope. On the 3rd day, we were in morning session, reading about grace. Blessed Pope John Paul II says

“This is the dilemma of anyone who encounters the teaching of Christ: we don’t have what it takes on our own to fulfill it. “Love and life according to the Gospel [are] beyond man’s abilities. They are possible only as a result of a gift of God who heals, restores, and transforms the human heart by his grace.” Living the Gospel, then, is “a possibility opened to man exclusively by grace, by the gift of God, by his love” (Veritatis Splendor 23, 24).

And this quote brought me to the memory of walking to Cana’s room in the hospital, knowing we were getting ready to turn off her machines, and hand her back to the Lord. We were going to watch her die. I wanted to share this with Bill D, the presenter of the session at the institute. But i didn’t want to be “that girl,” needing to tell my story, etc. But I couldn’t shake the push. So I asked Bill for a moment and he gladly pulled up a chair. I shared the quote first. *It was later that i realized how much “Grace” played a roll in the push from the holy spirit. It was the explanation on GRACE that brought CANA to my mind. I shared with Bill the memory...walking to turn off her machines, and stopping in the hallway with the words “I CAN’T DO THIS.” Having to “love and live according to the Gospel” requires DEATH of self. And so the Lord replied to me with “NOT WITHOUT ME, YOU CAN’T.” I shared with Bill that in 2008, we were told at 13 weeks that our baby girl was not going to live outside my womb. We were given a fatal diagnosis. He stopped me. He put his hand on my arm and said “Chris, so were we.” I was shocked. I almost smiled at the words. My heart had it’s answer. See, since our pregnancy and time and loss with Cana, i’ve been searching for another catholic couple who lived their pregnancy the same way. No amnio, no invasive testing, a full term pregnancy, a live birth. OF COURSE GOD WOULD GIVE THAT GIFT TO ME AT THEOLOGY OF THE BODY INSTITUTE! THIS is where my heart is!!!!

Bill shared that their daughter, GRACE ELIZABETH, was given a fatal diagnosis at 16 weeks. They did no amnio. She was born live and lived for 10 hours. Bill and his wife, Rebecca, were pregnant at the same time we were! Our daughters were born just 3 months apart. They have an older son, (as do we!) and a new subsequent little girl (as do we!!). They named their new little girl Clare Grace, her middle name in honor of their Gracie. We named our new little girl Elizabeth Hope, to remind us and point us to the hope God gave us in Cana..and in the promise new life.

SO MANY CONNECTIONS! So many seemingly small coincidences. So many little details that match up. It was what my heart had longed for..and long forgotten. And when I shared with Nicole, the former teen at Boston U, about Bill’s story being so much like ours,..she simply shared that she knew. My heart leapt again at her gift to me. She could have very easily shared what she knew about Bill back in february. She chose to let God gift me! She knew it wasn’t her gift to give. I am so proud of her!!!

I am still receiving daily blessings from my trip. A renewed desire and passion to teach TOB. An affirming sense that God HAS gifted me with an ability to teach it. But i’ve also found another renewed desire.

After we had Cana, within the first year of grief, another family in our parish tragically lost their daughter. She was the same age as my son, Travis. Mary was almost 3 years old at the time. *this week is the anniversary of her death. Pray for us, sweet Mary. I went to my former spiritual director, who was close with our pastor. I shared how i had been feeling called to form a support ministry for families/mothers of infant death, stillborn, miscarriage, etc. I wanted to make sure this family in particular, since they were new to our parish, and their home/support was far away. I wanted to make sure they weren’t left alone, as we felt we were. I was told that this kind of grief was too private, and that all we need are prayers. I was wounded. But asked God to take that from me...to heal me, and to continue using me in whatever way was possible. I reached out to the family and was received completely, Praise God! But i still had this continued push and desire to start some form of support, to help bring recognition of life to those with empty arms. At TOBI, two different women shared with me about The Elizabeth Ministry. (I KNOW!, ELIZABETH!!!) http://www.elizabethministry.com/

I looked up the website and found that it was everything i had envisioned before! It included teachings and education on theology of the body, infertility and adoption, chastity and healing from past relationships, bereavement support...and especially, support DURING a fatal diagnosis pregnancy. Support for families who continue to live the pregnancy! WHAT?!!! Lord, you still surprise me!

I write this with the main purpose being to shower grace upon grace on the person who anonymously and generously sent me to The Theology of the Body Institute. I don’t know that i can fully ever express my hearts gratitude and overflowing joy at the gift and opportunity. God’s hand lead you to gift me..and I am thankful for you both! I am grateful for every hand that moved at God’s leading in getting me to TOBI. I am humbled and in awe at how God placed people in my life years ago..that played a role in my time spent there. I know that I am not worthy to receive such graces from God. I know that He placed all these desires on my heart and that if He wills me to move forward with this passion and desire, then He will show me when and how. I just pray I am blessed and broken enough to continue hearing His call on my heart. My time at TOBI truly was “a result of a gift of God who heals, restores, and transforms the human heart by his grace.” Cana Lynn, pray for us.

“This is the dilemma of anyone who encounters the teaching of Christ: we don’t have what it takes on our own to fulfill it. “Love and life according to the Gospel [are] beyond man’s abilities. They are possible only as a result of a gift of God who heals, restores, and transforms the human heart by his grace.” Living the Gospel, then, is “a possibility opened to man exclusively by grace, by the gift of God, by his love” (Veritatis Splendor 23, 24).

Out of these ashes

2010-08-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

I have been silently grieving these last few weeks/months. because how do you explain to family and friends who don't really get it..that just because I hold this beautiful new life and revel in God's Hope and mercy and promise...that i'm still missing her? How do I not feel guilty for the rise and fall of new emotions on this journey with another life to hold in my before empty arms? How can i not only just feel gratitude all the time? Some of you get it. I thank you.

So on my way to walmart last night for a quick formula and diaper run, i heard "Beauty will Rise" from scc (steven curtis chapman). And for those of you who don't know, he lost his 5 year old adopted daughter Maria in a tragic accident in 2008. The same year our Cana beat us to heaven. He wrote this song as a form of therapy and witness as they travel thru their grief. I sat in the car and cried, realizing i hadn't been allowing myself time to grieve my daughter's death..Or praise God for her life. So in a stolen moment in the walmart parking lot, I sobbed. I looked up the lyrics this morning...and gasped at the connection to my girl. It seems as tho he wrote this song just for us....

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.

Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
"It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new"

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.

That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that He's made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of this darkness... new life will shine
and we'll know the joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise!

Our Cana was named after the wedding at Cana. A wedding feast. The first of HIS signs...the first sign of the coming glory! The promise of what Heaven will be like...a wedding feast!

New life IS shining. I hear her now. Thank you Lord for the healthy cries of a newborn baby girl.

Renewed in Hope!

2010-07-14T13:20:00.000-07:00

I have thought about how i wanted to share EHM's birth story...well, for 12 weeks now. And life (a toddler and a newborn) just hasn't allowed me the time i want to give to the details. Even now, naptime is a struggle for travis, and she won't nap longer than 20 minutes today. But i couldn't let any more time go by without thanking my photographer and friend, Linda. She is a local photographer and graciously donates her time and talents (and some treasures) to the NILMDTS ministry. I found her thru another friend / blogger / family from church. I asked her if she'd be willing to take some photos of our family and friends meeting ehm. Especially those who met our Cana during her short time here with us. I wanted the people who met cana and walked with us thru that loss to be there to witness God's mercy and renewal in our 2nd daughter. To not be focused on who's taking the pictures, if they got any with her..etc. So Linda....wouldn't even let me give her a dime. I am hoping she will let me grace her sweet babies with some of my handiwork but...

She is amazing. These are just a few of the shots i got from her. She gave so much of herself in these photos. She went above and beyond, staying with us the entire day. I'm so blessed and thankful. I hardly think writing about her is enough...So i ask you to please consider her the next time you local readers need a photographer. She is wonderful.

more to come...

new for Fall/Winter 2010

2010-07-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

Super excited and loving this new style offered for 2010!

Remember college and team colors for fall!

and since i just couldn't post here without an update to my 2nd princess:

EHM is 12 weeks today. and quite the eating machine. And as "big e" would say "little e has a figure to keep up with..." She sleeps from 7-8.5 hours a night (praise the Lord!)

and is starting her laughing (mostly at Big e).

Travis, as expected, is a great big brother..always helping cram her paci in her mouth, or a blanket over her head...and most recently, he's started covering his ears when she cries. The neatest thing tho..he started sharing how he is going to take some of us with him in his rocket ship so we can go visit Cana in Heaven....with a pit stop on Jupiter.

Do you miss me?

2010-06-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

With my computer on the fritz, i haven't been able to post like i want..or share more of my beautiful family with you. I have a TON of pics to transfer over and many sweet stories to share..but i don't feel right sharing them without attaching some pics along the way. be patient with me. Till then:

almost 9 weeks ago, my baby girl was born into our arms and renewed our Hope in the Lord. She was baptized into our faith on sunday, father's day, June 20, 2010. Her big brother was baptized on father's day, 2007. I like this tradition!

She is giving me 5-6 glorious hours of rest each night and we have my Lola (my grandmother) staying with us again after a 3 week hiatus. Not sure of how long she will hang this go round, but we'll take what we can get! It's such a blessing to have her with us. Not for all she does, which is a lot! that woman will not sit still! but the blessings are in watching her special friendship with her "travisito" and her "lil chinita." We love our Lola!!!

EHM - at 8 weeks: 13.5 lbs., 23inches.

TJM - at 3 years old: 42.5 lbs, 41 inches.

my boy is a giant. my little girl is a chunky monkey! I love this life.

conflict

2010-05-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

How do you handle conflict? Or a better question might be "how do you RESOLVE it?" Do you dive in, head on, even in the discomfort of the situation, because you know in the end the relationship will be stronger for it? (or at least, that is the hope) or do you cower, run and hide, avoid all discussion and hope it just all goes away? Or do you stand to the side and talk to everyone else about what should be done to make things right, never telling the one person who could have the power to do just that?

*this is my blog, this is how i deal. So please don't jump all over me if you think this is about you. It's not. It's about ME.

Over the last year, (in my grief and more..) i've lost more relationships..or at least bruised them to almost the point of no return. And i have NO CLUE how. I am the person who hates conflict and confrontation but gets right to it if I feel i've hurt someone, or if i feel hurt..and even in that hurt, i love the person enough to sit down IN THE DISCOMFORT and talk it out. I care more about the relationship than i do the awkwardness. OR THE BLAME. But i do feel very strongly...almost in conviction, that if the relationship means anything, then you sit and deal. get it over with. Don't ignore it. The enemy just loves that.

Now i also recognize that some people aren't wired quite like me. I acknowledge that some relationships and people can't be changed just with a talk. And if that's the case, i let it go...recognizing who they are and that i can't fix it. Love them regardless and let go of expectations. BUT..with family, i struggle with this. I struggle with needing to understand a situation and not being allowed to. I struggle with closure.

There is a book my dear Elizabeth just told me about...and i think we are going to read it together..because we both struggle with our needs within / after disagreements and hurts. The 5 apology languages...(or something like that..i'm too tired to even google it.) but it's gary chapman, same author as 5 love languages. (mine is quality time in case you were wondering....except from my dad. with him i throw in affirmation) Anyhoos..i'll let you know how it goes.

I know this blog has quite the angry vibe. and i AM angry. but i'm hurt above all. I'm allowed to be hurt. I'm moving thru it. This is one way for me.

facebook album so far...

2010-05-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

since i've failed you in posted new pics of baby girl, here is the link to the facebook album..so far. Many more to post shortly. but the high from the first few weeks has quickly dwindled to complete insanity from sleep deprivation. Please pray for me.

Sing for Hope

SO PROUD OF MY FRIENDS!

2010-05-21T22:36:00.001-07:00

I am so proud of my friends, Matt and Cameron Fradd. Listen to their amazing witness and hope story!!!

http://tv3.ie/shows.php?request=themorningshow&gclid=CMyBgOuW46ECFR6Z2AodJFuwKA

Look what she did...

2010-04-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

I wish i could take more time at this moment to sing praises of the photographer (and now friend, sister in Christ..and midwife stand in) who freely gave of her time and encouragement and support and prayers and gifts in photography..to spend tuesday with us as we delivered Elizabeth Hope. Miss Linda....may you be richly blessed..in this life and in the one we live for!
Here are a couple she let me sneak at peak at. We're so blessed!!!

Never a dull moment

2010-04-24T13:09:00.000-07:00

Travis is apparently not going to allow his new baby sister to overshadow him. On friday morning, the first morning home with our 2 babes, around 1030 am, i jumped in the shower to get ready to take miss E for her first pediatrician visit to check up on her jaundice. Travis was going to stay home with Lola. I heard a very loud thump. I hurried out of the shower, opened the door and asked, kind of half pleading that nothing drastic was wrong, what had happened. Big E was here and she very calmly stated that travis had fallen in the kitchen and his front tooth fell out. SERIOUSLY?! I could hear lola and mitch asking travis to spit in the sink while he was screaming and saying "my tooth...my tooth!" My poor boy. I got upstairs as fast as i could and saw the damage. Ugh...my sweet baby boys smile....

So we got in touch with the dentist who saw travis when he was 14 months and had crawled up onto a chair and then tried to climb across the window sill, only to come crashing down ON the window sill and push his two front teeth back up into his gums.

1st tooth injury: july 4, 2008

This newest injury/loss is a result of the root of those teeth being weak and so the break was clean.. Dentist said he will most likely get his big boy teeth in sooner than normal and that they may be weak at first too.

1st tooth out: April 25, 2010

My fragile emotional state just can't take another accident. I think there is a blue moon beer in the fridge calling my name. :)

so much more to share with you all. How God moved so clearly in the room as miss E was being born. How Big E was affected by her new goddaughter's birth and what she did with that new experience. How "everyone poops" has become a joke within a story. How i can see a little bit of Cana when i look into the face of our little girl, finally in our arms.

Elizabeth Hope is here

2010-04-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

It's the morning after we welcomed Elizabeth Hope into our arms and right now i am watching her daddy feed her some formula because, like travis, she is not latching...as if she knows her main milk supply won't come from mommy. (mommy had reduction surgery in 2000 and there is lots of damage to the milk ducts so they have not learned how to produce entirely enough..yet.) But it's all good. We are holding our 2nd baby girl, our 3rd baby, travis' 2nd little sister. And just wait till you see the pictures of him meeting her for the first time. I can hardly write it out without getting all misty. :) it was just as we'd hoped. too beautiful for words. And until we see the pictures that this amazing woman gifted us with, i joyously introduce:

Elizabeth Hope Milbrandt

8 lbs. 19.5 inches.

thank you Lord for your faithfulness & mercy & enduring love & sacrifice.

& Hope.

Your Mom!

2010-04-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

So i had come catching up to do, i know! (5th post today!!!)

Enjoy a little misc. catchup post from the last 2 weeks...

April 1st, i had my 36 week appt and found we had dilated to 4.5cm. Stricter bedrest and just 5 days till Lola would be here, praise the Lord! Elizabeth had watched travis for us that afternoon and we came home and visited on the deck with her for a bit before she went on her way..quite abruptly, but sometimes she's weird like that. :) So after letting travis get nice and dirty with the sand and water tables, we decided to get him in the tub. He stripped himself down on the deck because hey, who wants sand all over the house when you can't vacuum! As he ran down the hall to the bath, mitch and i noticed...something was just a LITTLE bit different about our boys naked bum.

Can you tell what it is?

Then just a couple from the last few days of "celebration Lola" as we rejoice in her return visit,

3rd summer, 3rd great grandbaby from this growing family. Thank you for all the love and service and guidance and support you give us all, Lola! Travis and Lola have such a special bond. The first night she was here, he would just grab her over and over again and say "i love you lola"...and "give me more hugs, Lola." Mitch and i would laugh in awe at this neat connection travis has to his great grandmother.

Easter Saturday and Sunday

2010-04-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

Egg coloring saturday afternoon

and one casualty became....

a snack!

Easter Morning!

This is how we look for eggs at my house!

Resurrection Weekend

2010-04-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

Being on bedrest had just gotten so old as i looked out the window on that beautiful Easter Saturday...so i fluttered my eyelashes as best i could and Mitch let me talk him into all of us (mema included) going to the little area "spring celebration", as long as i kept my butt on a blanket. Most of the pictures i take lately are from the view from my couch, a chair on the deck, or, as was the case this saturday, my view from a blanket in a park. :) We only stayed long enough for me to be uncomfortable. and satisfied.

mema tried to get travis to do the bunny hop

Do you have..."ice ice baby?"

You are my sunshine

2010-04-13T08:01:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, i was finishing up travis' bathtime fun and he had left this easter card one of our adopted mom's had given him in the bathroom. One of those cards that you open up and it sings to you...
So it sang "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy....when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much i love you......" And i just LOST IT. I tried to sing it to him, but then he started singing it to me. I think I sat there with him while he opened it and closed it over 20 times, just learning the song and singing it back to me, while i tried thru garbled throat and tears streaming, to join in. Elizabeth poked her head in to see if I needed her help getting him dressed and she saw me crying and laughing as travis was holding this card. I'm sure it was a strange sight for her. :) but I told her i was ok, and i was. I was just so overtaken by this emotion of praise...that God let us have this little baby boy to come home to after we lost our Cana. That during those gray sky days, he really was our only sunshine. And now that we are about to become 5-1, and travis is going to get to love on that baby sister he's only heard about, i just reflect over the last 18 + months and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for this little life that brought us a little sunshine in our darkest days.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.....

Thank you Lord for this beautiful life, full of sorrow, full of joy. I'll gladly take both. Because without the sorrow, it might be harder to recognize the joy. and the promise of Hope.

THIS is what bedrest does to me....

2010-04-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, i browsed THIS blog, and she mentioned THIS wonderful woman. Then I was at THIS friends house and she gave me half of her dough from THIS recipe. So that inspired me to make my own and it's all i can think about now. What can i top our pizza with next? It can only get better, honestly. Elizabeth and I were probably more impressed than were Mitch and Lola. *thank you for affirming me, E! And so i guess i'll take it as a challenge to impress them more next time. Maybe they can at least be impressed with the picture? :)

please pray for us...

2010-04-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

Here we sit (or lay) on bedrest for week 6 and i'm dilated to 4.5cm as of holy thursday. 5 days later and i'm pretty certain we are progressing along at a pace faster than my heart desires. But let me be clear...i'm not AFRAID of losing her. I'm not fearful of the what if's and believe me, there are many. That's one of the catches of attending a support group (MEND) and hearing about all the other things that can go wrong. But what i'm most concerned about and most need your prayers for is my heart IF we deliver her so early that she has to spend any amount of time in NICU. I just don't want to be back there again. I don't WANT to come home empty handed....again. Even for just a night, a week, etc. And what hurts the most is that one of the most important members of my family...this just doesn't seem to cross his mind. It's more about "well, if that's what God wants..." I'm sorry but i have to disagree. We are under the laws of this world and i can't believe that God WANTS her to be born early. Yes, good comes from all things...esp. if we submit to the Lord and surrender our wants to His. BUT...if the reason i deliver early is because i had to do more because, hey, let's face it....stuff gots to get done!because that one family member couldn't be here...to offer anything...well, then yes, i guess you need to believe it's God's will.
Here i go, venting again. Lola comes in today. But i worry she isnt going to be able to keep up with travis like years past. Please pray for her. Please pray for travis to listen better, be more obedient, to be safe in whoever's care he's in. Please pray for us as we ask God for clarity (if we should induce early so we are in the hospital when she's born)...for all the things we missed out on with Cana (normal delivery, family able to hold her, no time in nicu)...but especially for us, just our strength in dealing with family who doesn't get it, who thinks a tear shed for the life we miss is some sort of weakness in our faith or belief that God moves in all things, esp. in our suffering. For me to surrender this cross and to surrender the hope that this person would be all i want them to be..to just accept them and to see Christ in them.

please pray for us.

E

2010-03-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

This is Elizabeth.

I wish i could honor her more to thank her for all her service and help and love and time she has freely given to our family over these last couple of years, but esp. the last 4 weeks. She was one of the few to meet our Cana. She calls her her "patron saint." She thinks of her daily and we're pretty sure she has visited Cana's grave more than we have. I HOPE she knows that by naming our 2nd daughter after her, that we recognize all that she's done for us, but more importantly..all that she is TO us. We trust her completely with all our babies. Travis does like to take advantage of her, but i think it's because he knows she makes fun of how he runs. Just one of the things we love about her.

Will it matter? - no judgement please...

2010-03-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

So as we celebrate one more hour/day/week into this pregnancy, having her safe in my tummy, cooking just a lil bit longer, I sit here on the couch on day one of week 34 and listen to travis fight out his naptime - kicking walls, opening and closing doors, playing with various sound machine noises...oh wait..here he is now...i guess i will give in and just let him sit on the couch for the remainder of the time mitch is gone to the grocery store. Mitch is gone from home 12+ hours a day, my family works, and the family that doesn't work just can't seem to find the time to offer grocery shopping, meals, babysitting, or just a visit to help travis get thru the day. I want to give shout outs to those who have helped and offered, even with youth ministry jobs, babies to tend to PLUS babies in bellies, kids in high school and college-but still make us dinner, even letting travis help them prep the meals for us here, chasing travis around the house, helping me keep him from climbing into his sisters crib, keeping him out of Lola's room (when are you coming to visit again, Lola?) and just the gentle reminder from you givers that i'm NOT a burden to you. Yet, it is glaringly obvious that we are a burden.

When we were pregnant with travis, we had placenta previa at 13 weeks and i had to stay on bedrest till week 20. Then at week 34, bedrest again for preterm labor. While pregnant with Cana, we had 2 drs appts a week from week 12 till delivery. Teens worked in our yard after Hurricane Ike ripped every branch from almost every tree in our yard, while mitch and i had to keep our 2nd and confirming heart echo on Cana. Meals were brought for weeks after we had her and returned her to the Lord. A fundraiser to help us pay the medical bills was put on by dear friends at thanksgiving 2008. People have stepped up consistantly and now i just feel as tho we have used up "that card." It's not anyones fault that we are where we are. But you throw grief on top of a subsequent pregnancy where bedrest is yet AGAIN required in order to keep this life growing in me...just feels unbearable right now. Its not fair that we get stupid letters from HOA that some brick surrounding our house needs to be power washed asap..just a reminder that life outside of this bedrest situation goes on. but not for us. The only thing that SHOULD matter right now is doing whatever it takes to let this baby bake as long as she can. Another NICU visit is not what we want. Coming home without our baby girl in our arms, for however long that would be, is not what we want. But there is a tree in the back yard, and only $800 to get it down before it falls on our house, is all it will take.
Part of me is writing this to just vent it all out. Even tho i know there will be some who will read this and feel i am having a pity party, or i'm making some sort of personal attack. I'm just over bedrest. I'm over feeling like a burden. I'm tired of having to call on the same 4 people to help, when those 4 people have JOBS and BABIES and pregnancies of their own to protect and endure.

and i have to somehow find the HOPE that what this all points me back to is Christ. "could you not wait with me 1 hour?" Dear Lord, my heart longs for your compassion and mercy. Help me to be grateful for all we have, to not want OR NEED for anything but for more of you.

turning into...

2010-03-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

Is this blog turning into just a photo blog? Again I ask you to bare with me (by the way, is it "bear" or "bare" with me?..that has always confused me..and i HATE typos!)
but if you could just bare/bear with me while i get thru the lust stage of my relationship with my camera. :) Here are a few from my bedrest at mema's house with travis. Thanks for all your help the last 3 wednesdays, mom! We had a blast there today! Beautiful weather, a somewhat cooperative travis - even without the nap, and some great shots to capture the day.

time out is for sissies

" throw me that weak stuff, Meat! "- bull durham

I only wish I still had "her" around to show these pictures to. My best friend and I no longer speak and i wonder if she would be proud of my work. She is an amazing photographer and taught me everything i know..and everything i do right with this camera, i owe to her. I wish i could share these with her.

a few from our weekend

2010-03-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

you'll have to forgive me. since we got the new camera, ...well, let's just say i've been hearing a lot more of "mommy, take another picture of me" from travis. And i'm glad! He might at well get used to seeing a camera in front of my face.

all of these were taken during my favorite time of day: dusk. just a few perks of daylight savings.

A conversation with Elizabeth

my little sister. 7 years old. pretty darn easy to photograph!

little sister. freckles.

who taught you to pose like this?

Rebel!

2010-03-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

It's a Canon Rebel fo sho! Here is a recent fav!

Just lovin' my boys.

a thousand words...

2010-03-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

I am loving our new camera!

when you're on bedrest, taking pics of the dog and the fam are the only options..mostly. Then friday night, we went to a lil french bakery and i ordered this fruit tart. Seriously...it looked that good! I just LOVE this camera. (my valentines, anniversary, birthday and christmas gift..for the next 5 years!)

It's not supposed to be easy...

2010-03-02T08:22:00.000-08:00

We are sitting at 31 weeks gestation with Elizabeth Hope still safely within my womb. But as i "sit" here, I really should be laying down. As if the last two pregnancies didn't remind me enough of how little control we actually have on this ride of life, we are now dilated to a 3 (possibly more) and on bedrest for the duration of this pregnancy.

I am overwhelmed at the emotions flooding my soul so please forgive my scatterings. I offer them up.

This may be TMI for some of you but i have often thought that my deepest thoughts and clearest messages from the Lord come thru when I'm in the shower. I have a "theology" about it, if you will. It is when we are in our purest form, our most vulnerable. It's when we are most able, in body and soul, to return to how it was supposed to be in paradise. So naturally, that is when we hear the Lord speak to our hearts. At least, that's how it's always been for me. :) So this morning, during my shower, I again spoke...and then listened. And what is pulling at my heart right now is that Love isn't SUPPOSED to be EASY. God has given us the most perfect example of what LOVE LOOKS like...and that most beautiful and broken body upon that most beautiful cross is what reminds us that LOVE MEANS SACRIFICE. It's just not supposed to be roses all the time. It's:

Blessed be Your name

when the sun's shining down on me

when the world's all as it should be

blessed be your name

on the road marked with suffering

though there's pain in the offering

blessed be your name

It's more like this for us right now. It's more of an offering on a road marked with suffering. Today it's less like the world's all as it should be. But still we will say "blessed be your name. So even tho it's not so easy to love when you have to give up your body for the life within, even if that life is not meant to breathe even one breath in this world, still we sacrifice and suffer and offer it up. Still we say blessed be your name. Even when our neighbors judge us, still we love them. Even when we have to look at our spouses and say "i don't really like you right now..." but still we love them. Even when friends leave, the banks are calling, the cars are broken, still we say blessed be your name.

Honestly, this post was more for me than for me to preach at ya. I needed to be reminded of this as i journey on this road that sometimes feels to narrow for anyone to walk it with me. Then i look to my side, and see those friends...who just sacrifice right along with me. Even when it's not so easy to love ME.

Her own identity

2010-02-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

Elizabeth has been moving for what feels like non stop since early january. Last night, I commented to Mitch that I can't figure out what would cause her to punch me in the inerds, outerds, downwards, upwards....for 3 full hours. I don't remember travis being this active,...it's almost like she's making up for what i missed out on with Cana. And it's finally allowing my heart to see and connect with Elizabeth's own identity. My previous post was more about how we were struggling with not reliving all things Cana with every hiccup with E. Now i laugh at her joyful stirring in my womb. I revel in remembering about Cana more than in painful reminder. I am able to connect more with my daughter in her savior's arms and therefore draw closer to Him because of her...and am able to connect to my baby girl, growing healthily in my tummy. Praise God!

Early January, I took travis in for a rash with no fever. I had googled it, found that the only thing it seemed it could be was called "fifth disease." It presents as sort of a cold, followed by a rash. That rash is the only real way to know what you've got. Most of us have gotten it as children. And once that rash presents, we are no longer contagious. And while it's mostly a non issue, it can be dangerous for pregnant women, for the babies. Unless you've had it before. As soon as i read that, i knew..i KNEW that i hadn't ever had it. We already had an appt scheduled and i told her about travis and the fifths. She drew some blood and a day later, she told me i was positive for the virus. What they meant was that we would have "serial" ultrasounds again to monitor EHM (elizabeth hope) for up to 8-12 weeks. I went in the following week, and all looked beautiful. Dr. said most likely if it was going to be a problem, we would have already seen it but to have one just u/s as a precaution. In the days leading up to the first u/s, i had these fleeting thoughts of "Lord, did i not learn the lessons you wanted me to get with Cana? Was i not faithful enough? Did i not learn how to wait on you, Lord?' I felt that i had failed in His mission to me. But then i thought, maybe you are asking me to remain faithful to show others your faithfulness to us yet again.... (and then i laughed and said "isn't that arrogant?") but..my hearts desire IS to be used as an instrument of His peace, mercy, joy in suffering, and redemption in Christ. So...bring it on.

Our last u/s (to watch for the fifths) was yesterday. She's measuring perfectly in line with our NFP calendar conception date (Natural Family Planning) and she's active, smaller than travis (YES! no almost 9 pounder this time) and just...gosh, she's just perfect.

why have i hesitated?

2010-01-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

I have pulled up the blog many many times since november and wondered why i just couldn't find the words to share where my heart was at. Thanksgiving was enjoyable and quiet. Mitch was blessed to be able to attend the Texas A&M / UT game and he had a blast. I enjoyed some time hanging with mom and travis, and then later, going to the Moore's home (elizabeth's family) and shared a feast with them while travis ran amuck. Around 930 or so, a few of the girls from youth groups past were able to come by for some Dulce De Leche hot cocoa and we had some great girl chats. It was a nice distraction and i hardly noticed how i was feeling....
then came our ultrasound, finding out we are having another baby girl. As many of you can probably attest, this is such a strange place to be. You want to be celebrating and thinking about all the girl stuff you get to buy, the decorating, the presents...but there is a hole in your heart that speaks "i wish it was cana." And while i do fully understand the spiritual realm of where she is and not wanting to trade her forever for my missing, my worldly heart and mind wonder...what life would have been like with her here.

We have named Travis' and Cana's new baby sister Elizabeth Hope. We wanted her middle name to point her, us and everyone who cares to ask..right back to her big sister. We wanted her middle name to tell Cana's story. And the scripture that brings it all to light and truth for us "For i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future."

The week of christmas was a rough one for me/us. I was sitting on the couch, having been grouchy and mad at various situations all day long. A dear friend and fellow mom of loss shared with me a few months ago as we got thru the 1 year anniversary pretty smoothly, that in the days and months to come, i may find myself angry for no reason, unable to get out of a funk, and then realize that it had been too long since i'd spoken of her, shared about her, or even talked about her with Mitch. She helped me to realize that if i don't allow myself time to continue to grieve, that it would creep in without me noticing. And to allow myself time to battle those triggers before they surface. Mitch and i sat on the couch a few days before christmas and i told him thru tears that i had been thinking about Cana so much more lately. I had been haunted by the last moments with her, reliving them almost hourly in my days. I couldn't get the thoughts of her last breath, or even her cry out of my head. He asked me why. It was in that exact moment i realized that with every kick or punch or hiccup i felt our little elizabeth give me...it brought me rushing back to my time with Cana. Thru sobs, i said "how do i NOT think about Cana with every feeling i have about Elizabeth?" It was like we both realized it then. Here we were, back in the bittersweet.

I don't deny the beauty and grace and mercy of our Lord giving us another baby girl. I don't deny how joyful it makes me to know I (prayerfully) get that memory of watching her dance on her daddy's feet at some wedding years from now. I also don't deny the beauty of knowing our baby girl is dancing on her daddy's feet right now in glory. I know that God has been and is going to continue to renew our brokenness. But it's still a process. I just never saw this part of it coming.

Remembering and Celebrating

2009-12-27T13:27:00.000-08:00

Read this on the mooney's blog, and had to "borrow" it, as it really does reflect our hearts as well.

"This year we remember the One

sent to earth as a child as we ourselves:

Remember one. Enjoy one. Anticipate one."

Christina (with baby #3 - Elizabeth Hope in tummy),

Wrigley, Travis - 2.5years old, Mitch

Defining?

2009-11-29T12:54:00.000-08:00

"The experience of loss does not have to be the defining moment of our lives. Instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss. It is not what happens to us that matters so much as what happens in us. It's about the grace that can transform us in the midst of sorrow. and joy not after the darkness, but even in the midst of it."

I read this late last night as i browsed some blogs and sites on mothers of infant loss. This was prob. on the book jacket of some grief book, forgive me for not knowing exactly which one. but this spoke directly to my heart and convicted me to the point that i felt i must post it. I had a friend tell me back in august that no one thing should define us, responding to me feeling like all i was in that moment was a mom of loss. That first year of loss was defining. It was/is a process and there were days i felt like i couldn't burden one more person with my grief. And then there were days where i felt a great witness, for His glory, as i celebrated the life God let me carry. Then i read this quote and it brought it all home for me....

The experience of the loss isn't what defined me/us. It happened to us..and it's the beginning of a new journey...but it's how I'm living her life and death now. And how I'm responding to it. That could mean that I live it with joy even in the darkness, or it's in the moments where we really struggle to see the light. Either way, if we LET Him, His grace WILL transform us. We have a free will in all of this. We have to decide to glorify God even in the darkness. We don't go to church for ourselves. We go to church to show our God how grateful we are that HE IS GOD. full stop. For me, it's about how grateful i am that i am NOT God. I am able to surrender this pain at the foot of His cross, knowing that i place it in very capable hands. God continues to show me over and over again that He's got my back. It may not be in my time line. And in certain situations where i long for answers, it may not even be in this LIFE time..but I will know as i am known. and that's enough for me.

About a week ago, we had a playdate at a friend's house. This friend brought me into their already existing circle of friends/playgroup of boys and they all welcomed me, warts and all i always say. With our first year of loss finally behind us, i felt more like my old self and more like the friend i wanted to be to others. (in that first year,i felt like i couldn't be anything but someone who sucked all the air out of a room when i was sad or needed to cry. I felt like i COULDN'T be a friend.) but they kept me around anyways. At the playdate, we took a picture of all the kiddos. and each one was with their little brother or sister (we've all since had 2 babies, which is totally awesome! and two of us are cooking our 3rd). When the picture was emailed around later that day, my first thought was how fun it was to see each of them growing into the little men (and woman) they will become. Then i saw that travis was sitting without his little sister. And just that fact that it wasn't my FIRST thought is progress in itself. As i let it sink it that it was ok to notice it, and that it was ok to mention it to close family, i really just asked God to bring His peace into my heart because He was going to fill that space of missing. He would have to be ENOUGH for me until i get to see her again.

The next morning, I received two gifts from Him, reminding me and in a way, rewarding me for trusting in Him and letting Him be enough. (it's something i've struggled with all my spiritual life) The first gift came from THIS BLOG, Jamie - mom to Asher and my boy Jude + #3. She took the time to recognize that travis is a big brother too, even tho Cana was not pictured. This small gift of remembering our girl was a HUGE offering to me. And in that moment, i saw God use her to remind me that what matters to me matters to Him. A few moments later, an email popped in from Patsi/Bethany and it said "So very cute of all the boys, but so sad that Cana is not there with Travis...." and again, God is telling me He will put it on the hearts of those who love me and He will use them to remind me over and over again that He is near. I am just so grateful to those who took me in, while in the midst of the grief, and have walked with me as i journey out of the darkness, learning to walk in the joy and celebration of life again.

An email Prayer Request

2009-11-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

Fr. David Noble (LEFT-glasses) and Fr. Bruce Noble (RIGHT)

Hello friends and family
i call on you once again to join me in prayer for Fr. David Noble and brother Bruce (see email below). Fr. David, if you remember from our journey with Cana, was the priest on hand for her baptism last Oct. 8 at Texas Children's. We had never met, and when i told him our daughter's name, he stopped in his tracks, then sharing that he had been very involved in marriage encounter and that the sat. night experience during the weekend retreats are called "Cana." He then stayed 4 hours past his schedule to baptize her and then sat with us in the cafeteria and prayed with us and over us, sharing in our story and even sharing a bit about theology of the body. It was just as God had ordained so now i ask you all, as I ask our daughter to intercede for God's perfect will to be done, ultimately healing Fr. David in whichever way God plans. For strength and for beauty in the suffering to be seen as a witness to all.

peace of Christ,
c.

Dear All,

UPDATE on the NOBLE FATHERS:

You may not be aware but Fr. Bruce Noble recently attended a Marriage Encounter weekend. He and his identical twin, Fr. David Noble, were Marriage Encounter priest years ago and presented over 1000 weekends on 5 continents! Fr. Bruce has recently discerned to become a presenting priest again and just attended his Deeper weekend.

Much to our shock and sadness, his brother, Fr. David very recently was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with colon & kidney involvement. He is slated to go to MD Anderson tomorrow to start therapy. After the Deeper Weekend, a week ago, both Fr. Bruce & David flew to Tampa for a retreat /conference in regard to the Anglican entrance into the Catholic church. While there, David got ill and was taken to the hospital where they performed emergency colon surgery. He now has an ostomy bag. Everything is happening very fast and they are greatly in need of prayer. They are still in Tampa and are hoping to get home today or tomorrow and go straight to MDA. Fr. Bruce sounded upbeat this morning when I talked to him.

Our hearts and prayers go out to Fr. David and Fr. Bruce, who have a very special relationship, living and working together, serving the God's people in marriage and hospital ministries all their lives. Let us pray that God may, in His great mercy and love, heal Fr. David.

Storm the heavens with prayer!

Please pass this to all your parish prayer groups and all you know.

2009-11-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

I promise, I'm still here. Just to give you the quick run down of the latest happenings:

• Halloween was fun! Here's our lil spider man. He also got a haircut that day, his first professional faux and let me just say, he rocked it out! He was so impressed with himself, first admiring the do' and then...almost holding back the look of "dang! I look goood!" It was a pretty hilarious sight.

• We are 16 weeks (+ a few) along with our #3 and we'll find out what we're having on Dec. 2! So excited! A bit to share on how the last ultrasound went but more how i felt during it. Baby is healthy and super active. Every once in a while, i think i feel a flutter. I just have to wait to see if it's just gas. :)

• Travis and I enjoy our time together a little bit more now that the first trimester is over. I have my energy back and we take more walks. Of course, the 70 degree weather helps a bit. We talk a lot more and it's a joy to see him "work it out" as he forms the sentences and chooses just the right words.

• I am preparing for CRAFT SHOW #2, St. Anthony of Padua in the woodlands, tx, DEC. 4/5, 09. I am uber pumped and as i fill orders (thank you Lord for your provision in orders and in this gift), i am trying to also build up more inventory for the show. Mostly, i'm excited to be in the woodlands and at one of my home parishes, as this is where Mitch and I got married and where i met my dear friends Courtney and Cameron. Looking forward to lots of familiar faces. And i'd love to see a few new faces too! (i.e. buy! buy! buy!)

• Mitch and I are enjoying the little boy we are watching grow up and we anticipate with little anxiety the day travis will meet his new little. Because travis was so young when his little sister Cana was born, he really won't have the memory of her in my belly or out. But with this new life, i love that he is so involved and questioning and concerned and thinking of new things to ask:

"is there a baby in there?

"baby not ready yet. too small.
baby needs to grow and grow and grow."

"where's yer belly button? that's how baby eats."

"Is there a lot of water in there?"

"Can i take the baby to the park for a walk? On the slide?
I'll share my toys."

"ssshhhh..baby sleeping."

And my personal favorite:

"mommy needs rest."

As time goes by...

2009-10-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

As time goes by, i find that i've thought more and more about the days after Cana's bday and resurrection day. What helped to focus so much on that time was my dear friend Nikki was sharing her journey as they prepared for and gave birth to their baby girl Johanna. Sweet girl lived for 63 minutes and i'm humbled to be walking with them as they journey forward in grief and celebration, sorrow and joy. I found my heart longs to be received as i reach out to walk with others on the same road we are on. It offers healing to not only my heart but theirs, i pray. It's my joy to carry the cross as others have shown us and walked with us. And it gives me comfort in my own pain, to know God can use us even in our brokenness,..if we LET Him. And that is when the joy returns. What a God we serve that gives us a taste of His grace and glory as we encourage the body of Christ, even when it's not so easy. It's never easy to approach suffering. But the gifts He gives us..the strength in the battle....it's all Him. I'm so proud of this family. Something i feel we need to hear often during this time. To give our bodies so completely to the Lord, and to have the life that grew within us..to have to hand that life back to the Lord, as He has asked...may seem impossible. But God makes all things new! And we get to witness that in faith...our girls have been made new. Nikki, i am so proud of you. I am so humbled to call you friend. I hope you can heal as we walk together....United in Christ.

Celebrations

2009-10-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been filled with more grace than I could have imagined. And while it's true what they say, the lead up and anticipation of the 1 year anniversary of the death of your child is worse than the day/s itself....i can only imagine how much harder these past few days would have been without all your prayers. We truly felt covered by all of you. I personally feel DIFFERENT today. I actually felt different as we drove away from the gravesite. It was like "ok. we got thru that year. It's time to look ahead now." That one year anniversary was just a huge black cloud..a black hole, if you will, which seemed to just suck the life and joy out of my days. I really do FEEL like i can walk a little lighter. I thank you all for carrying this burden and sorrow these last few days. I felt every single prayer, and every offering. I know the body of Christ spent some time at the gates of Heaven for us this week.

Oct. 8 - we went to The Aquarium Restaurant for lunch.

After lunch, we picked up cupcakes for cana's bday. And at 432pm, we sang happy birthday and let travis blow out the candle.

For dinner, we ordered Italiano's and shared some time with family at home. Elizabeth included, of course. Cause she's family.

Oct. 9 - I slept in, then mitch took a nap. We all woke up late from naps to rush around trying to get out of the house in the pouring rain, to be at the gravesite around 415/430 but I decided to have some spectacular morning sickness as we were getting ready...slowed us down to make our arrival there about 5pm. (sorry jamie!) We picked up some flowers, brought the cupcakes, towels, and some umbrellas. On the way there, the sun poked thru and God reminded us of His promise and covenant with a very quick and beautiful rainbow. Ah..that's just like God to do that! We really wanted to create the celebration mood and i think we did! My adopted parents, Jeanne & Duane, even came out in the rain. And, of course, Elizabeth, my crutch, was there too. She brought Cana some daisy's.

Then we came home and enjoyed some Arroz con Pollo, ala Grandma, and just vegged, enjoyed the time together, and honestly...felt a renewed joy...esp. since the first real cold front of the year rolled thru. Mitch and I opened the windows, watched some "HOUSE" and shared how neat it was that God gave us some nice cool weather on her resurrection day anniversary. He said "you know...i wait 365 days for this moment..and He gives it to us tonight." Timing.

Today, Oct. 10, was the MEND "walk to remember." We took travis and shared a quick walk, a really neat sharing by Nancy Guthrie, some praise and worship...and then they call your child's name/s and you are allowed to place the personalized ornament on a tree. Then we all head out to the parking lot for the balloon release. *we had coached travis on this all day....because he's deathly afraid of losing his "other" balloons (free balloons at the grocery store, etc) as we walk to the car, so i told him we were ALL going to let them go..up up up to Heaven, to celebrate Cana's bday. At first, he was pretty panicked, then I think he got it, and we really enjoyed watching him experience this. It was overwhelming to see them all. Pink for girls, Blue for boys, and white for miscarriages. Heartbreaking. But so beautiful to know all our babies are dancing with Jesus.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt - the final hours

2009-10-09T13:38:00.000-07:00

As soon as Fr. Bill Young arrived (previous pastor -St. Thomas More, current at St. Vincent De Paul - houston, tx), Mitch and I took him in to meet our girl. Fr. Bill blessed her first. And as we surrounded her nicu box, Fr. Bill held her feet, and studied her stats. He asked for all the details, which we spared none and we shared why we'd called him there, since she had already been baptized. We did as we knew to do...seek wise counsel. We knew in our hearts what God was asking of us..but we also needed the reassurance of someone wiser than us. I just remember Fr. Bill saying..."this is not what God wants for her life. This is not what He wants for YOUR life. You can let her go. You can feel no guilt about the right thing here. The technology is here to prolong her life, but what kind of life will that be. no...she can go home now. " Mitch let out a sob. I turned to him, pulled myself to his side. It was like he had been holding his breath the whole time, and as Fr. released us from our burdens of feeling like we were giving up on her, not fighting for her hard enough, Mitch could finally breathe. I saw the pain of what was to come as well as the relief of not having to watch her suffer any longer..all in that moment.
*mitch's baby sister, Melissa, died on his 14th birthday, of Leukemia. She was 12. I know the memory of her life and the memories that he missed getting with her was wrapped up in this pain. God gave the milbrandt family a little joy back when our first boy, Travis, was born ON Mitch's birthday, and Melissa's resurrection day, 19 years later.

We walked Fr. Bill out and met all those still waiting to say their goodbyes to us. We hugged everyone, told them we'd update them as the night went on. It was around 4pm, as best i can recall. My mom, mitch and i walked down, got some chickfila, and headed to our room to talk about the plan for the coming hours. Mitch made sure i was settled in the room and then told me he was going down to spend some time with Cana alone. I hadn't realized it, but up until that point, mitch still hadn't had ANY time alone with his daughter. That broke my heart. He left me with my mom, we ate. I asked her if she could understand, we needed to do this..just mitch and I. We didn't want other family in the room with us. We needed to let her go..together. just the two of us. She understood completely. Said she'd had a full hour alone with her, told her goodbye. I was grateful she was so supportive of our decision. I called my dad, and he was getting ready to head back out to see us. I told him no. He breathed a sigh of relief. My dad hates funerals, and hated that we had to have the memory of letting her go and all that would mean for us...and what it would look like. but he didn't want the memory himself. I free'd him of it. Told him I'd call him later with updates.

Around 620, i headed down to NICU. I walked my mom to the elevator, and walked myself, alone to do the inevitable. I remember time slowing down. I remember all the noise evaporating. I remember everything i saw, clearer, and at the same time, i remember nothing but the carpet beneath my feet. Alone in the hallway, my heart spoke to God's. I felt peace, i felt anxiety. I felt relief, i felt...fear. I felt alone. I felt His presence. I felt weak. I felt like i was floating the entire way there. I felt like I had cement cinder blocks around my ankles. I felt everything. But i felt nothing.

"God...i do NOT want to do this. I miss the "burden" of not wanting to go work out. I miss the burden of not wanting to get up early in mornings. I missed what i thought was the hard stuff in life. But this...this was unfathomable. To have to turn off a machine and watch my child, my baby, who not 2 days prior was safely within my belly, to watch her breathe her last breath. How was i going to DO THIS? I don't WANT this memory, Lord." Never before was i more in line with Christ and His cross. Never was it clearer to me, that i was suffering WITH Christ. I was right in the garden. I was sweating blood. I was begging God...if it be your will Lord, PLEASE let this cup pass before me. I CAN’T do this.....and He said "not without me, you can't."

I got to NICU, and held Mitch's hand and they began the process of moving us to the private room. it took a while, about 20 minutes. By now, it was around 6:50pm, just before shift change. Our nurse amber, took me to a room as they were getting Cana ready to be moved, and let me pick out a gown she could wear, that had been donated to NICU, so we could have the memory of seeing her in a dress. So we could take pictures of her. Also, while we were gone, they did a cast, a mold of her hands a feet. She still had some of the white casting clay on her hands, under her nails. They took us into the private room, and we turned off as many machines as we could without hurting her...we left her oxygen on as long as possible. We dressed her in the dress and took pictures. I've held back on posting those...and haven't shown hardly anyone in the family because to me, the Trisomy was fully noticable and she didn't look the same as the day before. Also, because i wasn't able to breastfeed her, the jaundice was really taking hold and she was very yellow. I don't see much of the life in her as i'd seen previously. So it's hard for me to look at these. But i wanted to assure you, all the pics you see here, every pic ever taken of her, she was alive in them all. And for that, i'm so grateful.

Amber asked us if we wanted her to stay. We didn't want to make her..she had a family of her own. Looking back, i wish we had let her stay. Since we opted for comfort care, they gave her some meds, and ....this is the hardest part,....this is when we feel she really left us. It all happened so fast. Mitch held her first, i took some pics. We were just talking to her, kissing her, praying the Our Father, and the Hail Mary. We had asked them to turn off the heart monitor so we didn't have to hear it flat line. They had it on outside the room. Amber left, we thought. About 5 minutes later, she came in...and said "it's happening faster than we'd imagined. She's going...." Mitch and I broke..."please...give her to me." Without a flinch, she was in my arms...

"cana. we love you. we love you so much. you. are. perfect. I'm sorry you didn't get to meet your big brother. pray for him. pray for all of us. You run to Jesus, baby girl. you RUN to Him. You don't have to stay here. We love you enough to send you home. I'm so glad you get to go. I'm so glad you stayed with us so long. I'm so grateful we got to meet you. You are so beautiful. You are so beautiful. "

I kept my fingers on her chest. I couldn't see it moving up and down, she wasn't breathing. but i could feel her heartbeat....every so often. After a while, she took one last gasp....and the heart beats stopped. It was around 740pm. A nurse came in, and apologized for interrupting. He said he needed to check her, that they were no longer getting a heart beat on the monitor. He put a stethescope on her and confirmed it was just more like "electrical firing" than beating. She was gone. He stood there for what felt like a full minute, just awkwardly waiting for...we don't know what...so i asked him "are you calling it? i need to know the official time." He said yes. It was 745.

We stayed with her for a bit. Sometimes i wish we'd stayed longer. Sometimes i am assured we stayed just the right amount. But we both felt holding her now was just...too hard. She was gone. God's mercy was present. God gave us everything we'd asked for. A full term pregnancy, a live and natural birth, great doctors, a baptism, wise counsel, an end to her suffering, a peace that we loved her right back to His arms.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt - Oct. 9, 2008 pt 1

2009-10-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

I was awakened at 6:40 am to a visit from the attending OB. You know, that fun "Oh you want to stick your hand into my uterus to make sure it's not smooshy" check up. She comes in, rather abruptly, and as she does the vitals, she asks "is your baby in the nursery?" "no. nicu." She says nothing. I have my very first experience with the "what say." That's what i call them now. The thought of "what do i tell her to not make her uncomfortable. what do i say right now?" Then she says "I like your crucifix. I thank her and then do the typical chris + 6:40 am thing. "Are you Catholic?" I ask. She nods. "me too." I say. (DUH!) then i proceed to laugh at myself for a moment.
I fall back asleep for about and hour before breakfast comes in. I can't eat..much. We get up and slowly get ready to head down to NICU because they are doing rounds at 9 and we need to be there to hear what they are seeing, thinking, diagnosing. I hate that i didn't sleep in NICU with her. I hate more that she didn't sleep in my bed with me.

I remember there was this whole process of having to call first, talk to the nurse at our/her station, find out if there was any updates before we head down. I still have the little piece of paper that mitch wrote the number down on. It's interesting how we (humans) work. Not having her here..means this tiny piece of paper is like gold to us.

We got down to NICU in time to see/hear the team talking about her. About 6 interns/docs standing around her unit, speaking softly in terms we don't understand. "mumble mumble MITRAL VALVE...mumble mumble VSD...mumble mumble TRISOMY 18." Wait..that one we know! We had both just been staring at our girl in her box, just feet away, but we were unable to get to her. When we heard "looking like Trisomy 18, we'll know more in 24 hours." It was like we could each feel each others heart drop into our stomachs. He looked into my eyes...and whispered..."wasn't expecting to hear that again." It was like we were running a marathon, and someone had put out trip wire. We fell flat on our faces. As soon as they dispersed, I ran to her side. We talked for a moment, Cana and I. She was sleeping. I told her i missed her, was sorry i didn't stay with her longer in the night. I held her hand. Touched her feet, her head, her ears. She looked different in the morning. As soon as they said T18, i could see it so clearly. Up until then, i just saw tiny features and crooked ears. That was a rough moment.

We met the new nurse, Amber.

We left to get something in our stomachs, some coffee and a bagel. We sent out a text with what we'd heard, and then offered that visitors were not welcome until further notice. We ate outside of NICU and then headed back in. Around the corner from NICU was the milk station. I wondered if I'd be able to pump and i wondered if I'd need to. I had that thought 15 times in those 2 days we were there. When we got to our girl, a Dr. Ivory and another nurse asked us to meet. They had the results from Cana's heart echo from the night before. We sat in a tiny office within the NICU. Dr. Ivory started out by drawing a heart, and how it was supposed to work. I smiled. He noticed. I stopped him and pulled out the drawing/write up that Dr. Arne had given us in July at my first echo. (I remember Dr. Ivory was very relieved. He said later that that meeting with us could have been so much harder on HIM and he was proud of us and proud to know us and told us we were very brave and that if it was he and his wife having to go thru this, he thought they would live it the same way. It felt so good to know the dr. who is overseeing your daughters life..is a Christian. We could see he was touched by our faith. It strengthened us to know God would use us in this.) As we looked at the paper together, Dr. Ivory confirmed everything Dr. Arne had drawn. I had made it my mission to understand the workings of each abnormality as best i could and it seemed to help me.....to let go, to see that we'd given her every chance. There was no mention of T18 at this meeting. The genetic testing would take awhile.

We stopped back by the computers on the way out, Dr. Ivory showed us Cana's echo, confirming what we'd seen back in July. I asked Dr. Ivory if he knew/met the Cantrell's. Charlie and Ali's Cate had been there just a few months before, but in the cardiac picu. (i think.) Dr. Ivory lit up. He said "Cate!" I smiled. Charlie and Ali's strength was before us as was their brokenness. In their sacrifice and surrender, they taught us so much. Dr. Ivory mentioned their blog, asked how they were. It was strengthening to have a connection to the Cantrell's thru Dr. Ivory.

After this meeting, we stayed with Cana at her station in NICU. I asked if I could hold her and Amber (our nurse) had to help because of all the stuff hooked up to our girl. Mostly it was the line from her belly cord and the oxygen. I sat in a chair and held her for almost an hour, Mitch stood and watched as he only wanted that time to be mine. I've never shared the video below. it's one of my favorites, minus my singing. :) It's the song i sing (or hum) to travis every night at bedtime. I realized during pregnancy that when i would rock travis at night, it would probably be the only time i would have both travis and cana "on my lap" together. So i couldn't think of anything else to do when i rocked her for the first...and last time. Her oxygen levels would drop a lot during this time...because i would try to hold her closer or i would feel I was moving too much and the o2 would come out of her nose. I panicked a lot, just trying to enjoy her but i was worried i was hurting her (suffocating). She would cry out when the o2 would drop.

After that hour, we left NICU and found our friend Kelly.We took her in to meet Cana. We didn't stay long. During this time, I asked Mitch to text a few and let them know it was ok to come out to meet her. Kelly came back to our room with us for a bit to rest and then my mom came out. We filled her in and went back to NICU and we met Dr. Nelson. He asked us to meet with him and Dr. Ivory about what our next move would be. So mom went in to see her granddaughter and we went to a meeting room outside of NICU.
It's this meeting that i can hardly remember...i have huge holes in my story at this point. I'll just share what i can recall. We sat across from Dr. Ivory, Dr. Nelson and what i believe was like an HR person. It was a big meeting table. There was a phone, a big white dry erase board. Not much else. They told us their specialist was 99% sure it was T18. But that the testing would take a few days. There was no surgery that would save her. They would do whatever we wanted. The technology was available to us but we already knew we wouldn't be putting her thru any. We asked if we should wait for the genetic testing to come back before we made any decisions. They said no. They knew. We asked what would happen next. With comfort care, they said it was up to us when to turn everything off. They would give us a private room to have our time with her and I asked how long we would have with her after the machines turned off. Dr. Nelson said prob. a few hours. Maybe 3, but there was no way to know for sure. I asked if she'd have any pain. He said with comfort care, they would make sure she didn't. (this meeting was much longer than i explain it here, but like i said, there is a lot i can't remember.) Mitch and I asked for some time to talk about what we wanted. They left us in the room. All i could think was "oh crap..people are coming up here to meet her. We need OUR time with her. We have to call everyone and tell them not to come out." I felt so bad. We decided that whoever was there already, we would take them in to meet her...and we would call Fr. Bill Young, seeking wise counsel, to make sure we weren't giving up on her. That just because the technology was available to us, didn't make it God's will for her, for us. I went out to see who was there, and mitch called Fr. Bill and called those we thought may be coming out. I walked out to see Patsi, Bethany and Derek and Elizabeth. Patsi and Bethany are dear friends (mother/daughter), Derek is Cana's Godfather, and Elizabeth is my best friend. My mom was still with Cana.
*mom told me later that Dr. Nelson went in, and told my mom that she must have done something right with me, because my faith was admirable. Praise God.

We brought Patsi, Bethany, Derek and Elizabeth in to meet her and bless her if they wanted. We explained what we would have to do. Asked them to understand we would have to ask them to go so we could have our time with her. Fr. Bill arrived within 20 minutes and we went in to see her.

*i will post this today and leave the remainder of our journey WITH Cana for tomorrow..or later. if you are still with us, thank you. I know this is a long story/read. I'm honored if you are following along.

I'll try..tomorrow.

2009-10-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

Before I try to post my promised (and i'm sure much anticipated) :)Oct. 9th - Cana's Resurrection Day retelling....i just wanted to let you know
I'm doing...better. I am still offering up my sad moments in faith and for Cana's little bro/sis in my tummy. And for all unborn babies..and especially all moms with fatal diagnosis pregnancies.

But today, i share that today is PRO-LIFE sunday in my faith and Oct. is Respect Life month. I LOVE that my Cana was born in October. I love that i have my entire faith community listening to homilies and gospel readings on how we recognize life IS life from conception to natural death. For us, that gap was too close for comfort. The conception to natural death for Cana was less than 10 months. It was just 37 weeks. But what an amazing 37 weeks. It was hard not to think just all about her today. And as I stood outside for just an hour at 230 this afternoon with about (wow, i'm terrible at judging crowds...and distances, just an fyi)...i'd say about 75?...well, as we stood and heard mostly honks of encouragement and just a couple reminders of the enemy, i would say i felt overjoyed to stand there, knowing what i know today..knowing i gave her every chance to live. That she gives me my purpose to live every pregnancy just the same way. Knowing I wouldn't trade her Heaven for my missing...Knowing my merciful Lord and His hand in my life. and on my heart. and in my sorrow.

We are hoping to celebrate both her earthly birthday and her resurrection day differently. We are hoping to create memories that will bring us joy..as we watch travis enJOY his little sister's first birthdays.

enduring the cross. embracing it as best i can today. And i remember always...suffering + obedience = glory.

hurting. angry. scared. alone. frustrated. abandoned.......faithful.

2009-09-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

As I type all the title of this post, i feel each and every one of those words...well, ALMOST all those words. With my entire being. My whole entire body feels the effects of being hurt, angry, scared, alone, frustrated. abandoned. But i don't necessarily FEEL faithful. I want to feel faithful. I just don't when i feel all those other things. I'm begging God to show me the truth in my brokenness. Today is a hard day. Again.

I know being pregnant again brings not just the hormonal ride of my life, but add to it the grief and the timing of being less than 2 weeks away from the 1st year anniversary of holding our baby girl as she breathed her last..and i'm just lost in this.

I also know that I am still responsible for my emotions and my responses to others, whether they get it or not. I cannot expect the world to stop spinning and just run to my aid as we prepare for that 1 year mark. But even tho i can't expect it...i want it. I want it so badly.

But while i feel all those things...while i feel so completely alone in this journey...even if its just for a day, an hour, a moment...I KNOW that God is still God. I KNOW that HIS will is perfect. I don't even know how to pray another way now. I don't want what I want. I recognize that if I can't even figure out if what i'm feeling is rational....then how the heck can i know what is best for me. I am trusting that all of this emotion is part of a greater good. A witness. A willingness to be open to life.....again. A sacrifice in giving up my body again, so that life may grow within me..and asking God to bring me healing as i surrender to His will.

I pray that even in my pain, you will see the faithfulness of God to me. Just because He asked me to carry a life i couldn't "keep here," doesn't mean He isn't faithful and merciful and perfect. Even in the broken babies, God is still so good to us.

Please remember us and remember our Cana and the wedding feast she is celebrating with her bridegroom every moment of eternity....on Oct. 8/9.

John 2:11

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : Her Birthday - Oct. 8, 2008 pt2

2009-09-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

Mitch had traveled to NICU with Cana and the team and i stayed in the room for about an hour to recover before they moved me to my room on the mommy floor. My dad, terri, and my little sister allissa were in the room, and my grandma and my mom stayed too. After a few, the hospital chaplain came in. We had requested our parish priest to come to baptize her, but he had too many meetings. So the chaplain was requested and it was about 5 pm when he came in. Cana was born at 432pm, i forgot to mention that! Fr. David Noble was a twin australian priest! He is adorable! He had been the TCH chaplain for almost 20 years if i remember correctly. It was so neat because Cana's godmother - my sister, was IN australia...so it made me feel better to hear that accent. Just a nice touch, Lord. When i told him our daughter's name, he paused..."you mean, as in the wedding at Cana?" "yes, father." "oh, i will never forget that. What a beautiful name." He explained that when he did marriage encounter weekends, the saturday night is called "Cana." It's a renewing night for the married couples of those retreats. I have a whole talk on why we named her Cana, but it goes pretty long...you know me...so i'll save that for another time too.

Fr. asked me if i wanted him to wait to baptize her till i could get there..i said no. I didn't want any time wasted. He explained that he had actually waited for us to deliver and he was suppose to leave at 4. So it was approaching 530 and it was time. He prayed with me, We video'd it. For diana, my sister in australia. He left for NICU, to find Mitch and Cana. The rest of my family left for NICU with him and my mom and grandma stayed with me. It felt like hours till they got me to my room. They had to wheel me..but i could walk..it's so humbling to be wheeled around. So after we checked into the room, the nurse there had to release me so I wasn't so patient to get her in there to have the niceties and then get me on my way! I told my mom if she didn't wheel me any faster, i was going to jump out and wheel myself. We were a short walkway to NICU. about 4 minutes.

When we got there, my whole family was at Cana's side. Along with the priest...even tho it was already 645 and he was overdue to go home. He stayed for us. I jumped out of the wheelchair and got to cana's side. I called her name. She opened her eyes to the sound of my voice...to the sound of me saying her name. (video below) it's one of my favorite moments with her. That sounds so funny...because i didn't know how limited our moments would be at this moment in time. I just treasure her looking up at me....

We baptized her and my whole family got to stay in the room/unit. In NICU, it has to be so sterile, and after this moment, we were only allowed 1 visitor at a time...so looking back, it was so kind of our nurses to allow this. But i think they knew.

Around 745, we finished her baptism, and we were asked to leave NICU. They had to start a line in her belly button. Because she was so tiny (found out then that she was 4 pounds, 16" long), that it was better to keep the umbilical cord long on her belly because the line was better there, than starting her on an iv and poking at her all the time. This was painless. But it was a sterile procedure. we all were asked to leave. We took it as a chance to get momma some food. I know it seems so strange to want to eat at a time like that...but at the same time, i think human nature longs for something NORMAL because seeing your newly born baby in some sick box is just too horrible to conceive.

After travis was born, all i wanted was a burger and fries. I'm all about tradition..so burger and fries it was. Mitch wheeled me down to the cafe, and we grabbed a bite. It felt weird to eat. We were waiting for our friends Courtney and Jeremy to come up to meet her. They were the only one's we wanted that first night. As we were finishing up, we looked over and saw Fr. David at another table. He was eating. I felt so badly that we ran into him because he looked so tired, like he just wanted to go home. But he was happy to see us, came over to sit with us, asked us how we came up with Cana...and prayed over us. He was wonderful. As he was praying over us, court and jer walked up. I love that they came in to find us being prayed over. Court and J are a strong Catholic couple and it's one of the things that unifies our friendship. It's how court and i met too..at church..serving together, in LIFETEEN.

Fr. David finally went home. And we took court and J to meet her. We couldn't wait to show her off. They weren't done getting the line started in Cana so we had to wait another 45 minutes outside of NICU. We enjoyed that time with our friends. It was so encouraging to have them there with us. It was around 10 pm when we were able to introduce our daughter to them. They both got to bless her with some purified, sterile blessed water.

We spent some time kissing on her. We found out from her night nurse Amanda, that Cana had already had her heart echo and we had to wait until morning for the doctors to look and determine what came next. But Amanda said "but you can see that she is syndromic, right?" it seemed a funny thing to say...all we saw was tiny tiny tiny feet, pink cheeks, black hair, and the cutest little crooked ears. It wasn't until the morning that we heard "trisomy 18" again.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : Her Birthday - Oct. 8, 2008.

2009-09-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

Even tho we just found out we are expecting again, all i seem to think about is Cana. I don't say this with any real surprise in my heart. I mean, the last life i carried was her. But it still surprises me, these highs and lows. I still wonder how much people think about me. I still wonder if I'm walking the road the way God intended me to. I still know that i know that i know...that i would never trade where she is for my need to hold her. "Lord, if you were to give me the power for that one word to bring her back, i would not speak it." (i'm paraphrasing but...man, does that lay it all out for me!) I am grateful for the gift of faith that God has given me..i've never struggled with knowing the Lord and knowing that I need a savior. I often forget to thank Him for that gift, tho. I forget that it IS easier for me than for some. I need to remember this when I begin to question the journey of others...i need to offer the grace and compassion that God has extended to me. Lord, help me to grow..and may I always be closer to you today than i was yesterday.

Cana was induced on Wed. Oct, 8th, 2008. We were told to get to St. Luke's Medical Center in Houston around 530am by the hospital when we "signed up" a few days before. We were told by the OB that was scheduled to deliver me (i had to have a new dr. for this deliver because of the conditions unknown), that i didn't have to be there till 9. Well, we are SO not morning people so 9 it was. More like 915 but whatevs...

We checked in and Anna, my great friend who worked in Texas Children's just a walkway connected to St.Luke's, met us at the check in counter. She works in the PICU heart unit. We got to the room we would deliver Cana in. I was already 3.5cm dilated and fully effaced. Same as with travis. I was already almost 1/2 way there. Because it had only been 15 months since i'd delivered travis, i could (and still can) remember every single detail (and contraction) of his birth. But he was almost 9 pounds. they told me we'd be lucky if cana was close to 5 pounds.

Around 10 am, they started my pitocin. I remember just eating ice, listening to some old school rap on my mp3 and asking Mitch if he was texting, who he was hearing from, if our priest had called yet, had diana called yet (from australia-my sister was gone for a year doing mission work).

I found out that the OB who was going to deliver cana was NOT going to be delivering her. I had some "new guy." Dr. Ivey was great but i had never had a guy doc and wasn't all about sharing my "biz" with some stranger..esp. in this situation. But he was great. A little....shall we say...in touch with his feminine side, but just lovely. We talked about our birth plan - as long as we could go natural, that was what we wanted. He said as long as Cana's heart didnt' show any distress, we could. But many many babies with heart abnormalities die in the birth canal. We still felt this was God's mercy and if we could keep me from being cut open so that i could get to NICU fast, that was how it would go down. Ultimately, we trusted the docs could hear God too and if they said cut, we cut. But our prayer was to push her on out, God's way.

Around 330, dr. Ivey came in and said that he was going to break my water at 4. I was only at 6.5 or 7 and really needed to progress. Like clockwork, at 4, he broke it. And water was EVERYWHERE! Mitch jumped back, dr. ivey shouted to "get another one"..meaning that pad that is supposed to soak up....the nurse was scrambling,,i was apologizing. I felt like i was peeing all over the place. And as it all gushed out, i felt Cana kick me harder than ever! Maybe it was a punch but i felt her just kind of go "what the?????!" Dr. Ivey looks at me very sternly and says, "i'm just going to pull up a chair and do some work over here. She is going to be here fast. " I kind of laughed. He was dead serious. He pulled up a chair, did some paper work...and within 20 seconds, the contractions started. I mean..i hadn't felt hardly a thing all day,..then all of a sudden, it all came flooding back to me. Oh, yes..i REMEMBER THIS! Craaaap!

I didnt' drop any f-bombs. I only dropped one with travis. :) I was listening to Matt Maher on my mp3 player. Your grace is enough. As it is in Heaven. I rejoice.
I just focused on those words...i rejoice. i rejoice. i rejoice in you. in you. in you. I rejoice in you.

I have found that i absolutely love remembering every detail of cana's birthday and birth story. I also know that i love laughing about the little things that are completely embarassing but totally worth sharing. See, i delivered travis in what my nurse sarah called "knee chest" position. Don't let that fool you..i call it "ass up." I delivered travis on my hands and knees. It was awesome and i don't remember hardly any pain in that..but it was humiliating! With Cana, i had the standard...feet in stirrups. And i remember thinking "i don't know how to do this..." but it was actually fine. Except for this part.....
My dr. told me to focus on my breathing..to which i replied "DUH!!!" But i hadn't been doing a very good job....and he just reminded me not to push yet. Then mitch decided to repeat that every 5 seconds! I told him i wasn't and as soon as the words escaped my lips, i said "oh God..i have to push RIGHT NOW." Mitch shouted "DON'T" and dr. Ivey turned around, saw my face, and checked and said "GO!" and i did. I pushed once...and farted. Then, instead of just laughing or just letting it flee from my mind,....no not me..I decided the BEST thing to do would be to ANNOUNCE to everyone in the room (just the 2 nurses, mitch, my dr. and the nicu team) that i had indeed ...just farted. My dr. said "GO!" and a push later, she came flying out. The dr. had to tell me to stop pushing.

She wasn't breathing. The plan was that i would get to hold her first. But because she wasn't breathing on her own, they held her tiny purple body up to show me, and then snatched her to the nicu team and out the door.

Mitch and i cried. I said "i can't believe she's already out of me. I can't believe it was so easy. I'm all done already." Dr. Ivey sewed my one stitch, and I told Mitch i was fine, to go out to the hallway to see her and see what is happening. It was about 20 seconds since i delivered her. I needed him to be with her. They wheeled her in in a tiny box, hooked up to tubes and i reached in and held her hand and said hello to my cana. She was so tiny! I couldn't really see her face. But she knew i was there. I told her i'd see her in a few moments. It was 2.5 hours later when i finally got to her side in NICU.

Just before they took her, mitch handed me the camera. He told me he took video of her.

she is just so perfect.

New Blog Open for Biz!

2009-09-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

Crochet Away!

is open for business! Took me a little while to figure out what i wanted to do as far as a site, but i think that's where i'll park it for a bit. I have paypal set up so any orders emailed will receive a paypal email for payment so you aren't wondering how some stranger is going to take your money.

I have asked God to take this where His will desires...it's more about a hobby that we can pay bills with rather than my desire to be on the cover of TIME magazine. It's more about God giving me something to find purpose in again, after stepping down from youth ministry for the first time in 10 years.

I am going to get back to my Cana's story this week. I have lots to share. And we are in countdown mode...less than a month to go till her sweet 1st birthday....and resurrection day.

Crochet Away

2009-09-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, my amazing Grandma Mary (Lola) taught me how to crochet. Apparently, after years of watching her, God used my hands in such a way that I took to it very quickly. I have found that crocheting is therapy for my heart and soul. It has allowed my mind to focus so intently on the hook, yarn, pattern..that God can then work on my heart and the things i struggle with. It's also so fun to see how they turn out and pray for the little one's who will one day wear them. I don't know how far i'll take this, but we are enjoying it so far. If you are local, one of the baby consignment shops is selling them for me...i call it a 'market test' to see how they will do. At the very least, we'll make a bit to pay for christmas.

They are selling for $15. Or 2 for $25.

or if you bring me 4 orders (just tell them to reference you), i'll give you 1 free!

May again?

2009-08-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

I want to start this entry by sharing that i have learned and healed so much with the help and prayers and new friendships of those blogs listed to the right. Many of them are mommies of loss and/or mommies of trisomy 18 babies. It was by the unknown encouragement of some friends who took me into their play date group of boys all around the same age, and the fun they seemed to have with their blogs that got me on here, and then God took it to a whole other level when i was able to connect and share with moms and families who knew the grief journey too well. I have been reminded of the community of faith, that i am not alone, and that we are all in this together, no matter if we never meet on this earth. You have all helped me to "build my muscles", "rehab" this heart that is learning to beat again, and "doggie paddled" along side me as we swim back to shore. I preface this entry because before this week, even when a mommy of loss announced she was pregnant, i struggled. I WANTED so desperately to just celebrate. i felt SO behind.

Today, it is with great joy and a TINY bit of "what if" that i share with you all that we are expecting again! We are very early on (may-ish) but if Cana has taught us anything, it's that Life is to be celebrated from day 1. I will not live this pregnancy in fear...i will treasure the gift that God has again worked His miracle, allows US..a taste of glory as He shows me how to lay down my life so another may live. I feel grateful that we have been able to conceive 3 babies..with no trouble with infertility..i don't want this to be "in your face" for those who do struggle with infertility, longing for more babies. I just want those mommies to know that this heart knows how blessed we are.

I know that it's early..and believe me...we know anything can happen. But we also have shown ourselves that we can trust. And no matter what, i'm a mom of 3 now.

thank you for celebrating with us. Please pray for us as we journey down this new path.

I will still be posting the last of Cana's days with us. Her grave marker will be in soon. I can't wait.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From 26 weeks to 32 weeks

2009-08-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

After the last appt (the heart echo and first diagnosis), we had just the regular appts, even tho always with ultrasounds. That was such a beautiful part of my pregnancy and time with Cana. I got to see her so much as she lived in my belly. As August 08 passed and Sept 08 rolled in, we were faced with some pretty big battles. My church asked me to not participate in serving the youth. I felt abandoned, forgotten about, crushed. Where was the community i had served alongside? Did we not join the "right" ministry, in order to have their help as we faced our darkest days? We felt like we were on some island where they'd pass us by every sunday to offer their "we're praying for you" and their pitiful looks, and then once we were out of sight, we were out of their thoughts. It may not be what was truth, but it was, without a doubt, how we FELT. Oh how satan tried to remind us of his hardwork to break our spirits.

Then a friend, a dear dear friend and really, a woman i admired for years, who reached out to me during our pregnancy more than anyone else, Maria...wrote to ask if she could email those who helped her family during their journey of grief after losing their #3 daughter, Moriah. She wanted to offer financial help and started sending her family of 6's own tithe and wow..God just blew us away with their faithfulness to Him and their hands and feet of Christ to us. She would send us cards almost every day, words of encouragement and hope! I pray she always knows what her friendship means to me.

During this time, another friend, in connection with Maria, started a facebook group called "prayers for cana lynn" and i would see "my" teens join the group, offering encouragement to us. It was quite beautiful to see the teens i'd served reach out to us! On Sept. 11th, I wrote an email to maria this night/morning i was really struggling to stay "afloat" and shared this, in regards to the struggle with being asked to not serve in youth ministry:

"Its caused me to question and doubt every good thing i THOUGHT i did in the name of the Lord. I wonder...i doubt...my heart. My hearts intention. Was it for MY glory? Was i so controlling that the ministry is better without me? That the teens are better without me. Even as i sit here and type that...i can look over and SEE how many of "my" teens signed up for the group on facebook for Cana. It's one teen in particular who will write me often and bring me cupcakes in july on my birthday, and say she is praying for me. Then there is the teen who went to college and thanked God for me bringing TOTB to stmarthas. I see how many of them have girded up in that truth before they left for the world of "college" or as i like to call it "the world who waits to devour them." I am sweetly broken on their behalf right now..because it was FOR THEM that i can sit here now and feel this way..knowing i did let God use me..even just for the one life."

That was Sept 11, and on Sept. 12, Hurricane IKE hit galveston/houston. Sept. 12 was supposed to be our 2nd echo to confirm the first and to plan better for our remaining time with Cana. It was LAUGHABLE because of the lesson of learning to wait on the Lord was something we talked about and laughed about struggling with. This time of waiting was so completely OUT OF OUR HANDS..there was absolutely NOTHING we COULD do..but wait on Him. It just so happened we were to wait on Him through a hurricane and WITHOUT power for the next 8 days....

A few days after the hurricane, when power came back up slowly around town, they rescheduled our echo and another high end ultrasound. It was during this appt that my specialist reiterated that he was pretty certain it was NOT Trisomy 13, 18, or Turner Syndrome. Then, at the echo, another doctor...Dr. Altman (my maiden name, btw) confirmed the results and said that it was about 90% inoperable. Then we were told we needed to take the NICU tour and possibly meet the neonatologist. We walked into NICU and i remember squeezing mitch's hand so tight. It felt like the room was spinning, i tried not to make eye contact with the parents there with their babies. Those tiny babies, all hooked up to machines, some alone in their NICU unit, alone and so tiny in those tiny boxes, alone. all alone. I was starting to lose my breath, i don't remember anything the nurse who toured us said. Not a word. It's almost dream like to remember it. I hated it. I remember that. Just a month later, we would be sitting there, in NICU B-38, with our Cana.

When we came home, still without power, two teens and the new youth minister had cleaned up our yard, and our neighbors yard. Marco and Jonathon and Elizabeth worked all day to pick up all the debris the storm had dropped in our front and back yard. We have about 15 tall pines and about 50% of those limbs and needles were all over the place. They may never know the impact of that small act of love.

Back Home Safely

2009-08-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

just a pic to share that we made it back from our mini safely.

thank you for praying for us. Fun pics and stories to share later in the week. and then it's back to Cana's story. As i go thru the dates, i realize i am exactly one year from the dates in the story now. It's an honor to share her with you.

Galveston Mini Vacay...

2009-08-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

Just a quick prayer request...

please pray first for our trip to galveston for a mini. We are meeting Mitch's Oregon fam at a friend's beach house and it's over the canals on the bay side of galveston. The house, that is. The deck is above water. It's over water....i keep repeating this in my mind because i'm FREAKING out about having the water so close and the pending fear of losing our one living child in some horrific accident.

I know this is morbid, and i haven't gotten to this part in Cana's story yet, but when you lose a child, when they die in your arms, it becomes very easy to picture losing another. It's dark. It's not where i want to be. but it's very real to us right now at this part of the journey.

Travis is 2 years, 2 months. He is independant and stubborn. And he's SUPER tall for his age. (39") so he can reach and open doors like a stealth. We have been drilling into his head that he does NOT open doors, or run away. (he doesn't WALK ANYWHERE! he RUNS!).

I'm just afraid. Please pray for travis to miraculously just GET IT. And for our hearts to be cautious but free of anxiety. And with hope.

thank you for being with us this long.

couldn't wait...

2009-07-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

Those of you who are following my retelling of our journey with Cana,
I just couldn't wait to share some pics of her time with us.

we miss her.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From 22 weeks to 26 weeks

2009-07-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

On July 16th, 2008, one day before my 32nd birthday, Mitch and I traveled south to Houston's Medical Center (about 30 min drive for us) for our appt with the high level ultrasound with Dr. Johnson. At the time, i did not know that this drs. office tends to not only high risk pregnancies so i was unaware that there would be other women in the waiting room with healthy babies. I thought that every look from them was a "knowing" look. It wasn't. I guess i was already searching for connection and support.

The ultrasound lasted about an hour. They had a monitor on the wall in front of us so we could watch in color with them as they scanned and searched, whispered and stared.

After about an hour, Dr. Johnson went thru all the images they'd collected and showed us all the abnormalities and concerns. He started out by saying "whatever you decide, we're with you to the end." I knew he meant "continuing the pregnancy." We would have many many more appts with Dr. Johnson.

He started out by saying that Cana's heart chambers were messed up. He explained that for certain one chamber was opening to another and the blood just had no direction and was going "all over the place in there." We would have to go to the fetal echo doc to get the whole picture. But it didn't look good. Then he said she only had one working kidney and most likely the other one would be absorbed back into her body. But we can "work" with one kidney. Unfortunately, this issue only pointed to lots of other things...He said her brain was forming irregularly. Too small for her gestational age (3 weeks too small) and it was oblong for no reason. And we had single artery umbilical chord.

When we got home, i immediately wrote an email to all those following our journey and felt a ton of peace. I spent a lot of time back then in worship. I mean, what else was there to do? We just wanted to live in humble obedience and joyful suffering.

2 weeks later:

August 6, 2008, We had our ECHO at texas children's fetal center in the medical center.
Dr. Arni took us into the very small room and asked us to please not talk to him during the ultrasound. I half jokingly asked if it was ok for Mitch and i to talk to each other. He said yes but didn't smile. After an hour of awkward silence and mitch and I trying not to "church laugh" (you know, when you aren't supposed to laugh so it makes wanting to laugh that much worse..so you laugh thru your nose, and giggle...and speaking of which, i kept jiggling the equipment so the tech kept pausing..i really got the "holy spirit" giggles that day). ahem..ok back to the story...
Dr. Nutting asked us to come into his office. We felt prepared.

When we sat down, he began drawing on a photocopy of a healthy heart. Red ink for oxygenated blood, blue for non. Then he began listing and listing and listing...

(click images to see enlarged)

Double Outlet RV • Normally related great arteries • Large Conoventricular VSD w/ inlet extension • Dysplastic Pulmonary Valve • Hypoplastic Aortic Arch

Then he flipped the paper over and began drawing what Cana's heart looked like. Two of her valves (DORV) were stacked on top of each other. The arch was closed off, not sending any blood to the lungs. Her heart just kept recycling it's blood back into itself. There were holes in between all her chambers. It was very VERY medical. But he was kind. It was just hard to understand the heart when it's on a piece of paper. AND it's YOUR daughter's heart. and her life. I asked if he'd ever seen this before. He said "No." He said he had seen these abnormalities on several hearts..but NEVER had he seen ONE heart have all of them. I asked if it was operable. He said they would go in with a plan. The plan: After she was born, she was be taken immediately to Texas Children's NICU to administer the PGE (prostaglandin) which would tell her heart to keep beating outside of the womb. (see PDA-patent ductus arteriosus) Then they would do an ECHO for her and see if the heart had changed. Pending no change, her first surgery would be at 3 days to keep the PDA open and open up her hypoplastic aortic arch (to get oxygenated blood to her lungs). However, if the ECHO showed that the DORV (double outlet right ventricle) had not changed...she would be inoperable.

I asked if I could deliver her natural with such extensive heart problems. Dr. Arni said he thought it best if we leave the option for Csec open...But if we had her natural, i could get to the NICU and by her side in 2 hours. If we had a csec, it could be as long as 12 hours. And no, i couldn't hold her before they took her there. Out of all that news, that was what hurt my heart...that i would lose the option to meet her before she left..and maybe even before she dies.

I remember sitting there, feeling pretty strong..but almost forgetting entirely that Mitch was there too. I still feel badly about that. We were holding hands, that much i remember. The rest was just trying to understand the medical jargon. Then we walked out, got in the elevator and was greeted by a cheery mom who asked if this was our first. We shared we had travis, 14 months, at home. "awww..and is this a girl or a boy?" she asked. "a girl." "awww....you get one of each." yes. yes we did. Because no matter what we faced in the pregnancy..no matter what was to come....God had already given us one of each. Cana already counted.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From 15 weeks to 22 weeks

2009-07-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

After the last appt showed her heart rate @ 163, Dr. Laden recommended we make an appt with a fetal specialist at the medical center and also schedule an echo-cardiogram. (i've seen this EKO and ECHO---we'll stick with ECHO for the remainder of her story.) I was almost 16 weeks along when i got a call to schedule the echo but when i asked if i could hold off a month because the appt was going to be intensive and long and we'd need babysitting all day for Travis, they told me no problem. We would call back at the end of June when my grandma, Travis' Lola would be here. (this is Lola with Travis on his bday-May '07)

In between appts w/ Dr. Laden showed no changes, heart beat was always good. Growth was always behind. She showed to be around 17%. Arms and legs were short. Looked to be a kidney issue. But heart seemed to be pumping well.

So when we knew Lola's arrival date, (early july) I called to schedule the echo and specialist ultrasound. And this is where i was faced with the world's view on my baby girl for the first time. Even now, as i type this...almost 1 year to the day..it still makes my heart sink, my stomach flip flop.

I spoke with a woman at the Baylor Clinic (obstetrics and gyn) and she was the coordinator for that office/specialist who would perform the high end ultrasound. I had to go to a different office for the echo. It was a bit confusing because I had to coordinate the appts and try to make them the same day for the drive and parking fees. It went like this:

me: Hi, my name is Christina. I was told to call you to schedule an appt for an ultrasound, referred by Dr.Laden in the woodlands.

she: ~ is pleasant, goes to get my file..when she returns
she says : um....soooooooo....how can i help you?

me: well, i was just told to call you to schedule this. I'm......not quite sure what you mean.

she:well, you are 22 weeks, right? I mean, why didn't you do this last month? You called us a month ago, that would have put you at 15-16 weeks. You know abortions aren't legal in Texas after 22 weeks, right?

me: *stunned silence

she: *she's starting to sound irritated with my "irresponsibility" and says "you know, you are showing signs of Trisomy 13 or 18 and those babies don't live outside the womb. If you proceed with this pregnancy, you are going to have to have a c-section. do you REALLY want to be cut open for a baby that isn't going to live?"

me: Can i please make my appt for the ultrasound? i was told there was no problem for me to schedule this at this time in my pregnancy.

her: *exasperated..."sigh...okaaay."

When i hung up with her, i cried. I cried for my hurt. I cried for the realization that it was going to be us against the world. WE would be her advocates. WE would FIGHT for her life. And we could fight FOR her..and AGAINST the world.

I remember kind of laughing at satan.."oh you are going to have to work harder than this, little man. You are going to have to work a lot harder to defeat me..."

But i DID feel defeated. and alone. And sad. so sad that other women had chosen that option. How could we give up the best 9 months and the best 27 hours God gave us in our daughter's life?

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From 13 weeks to 15 weeks

2009-07-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

It seemed like every appointment offered a different hope along with a different concern. At the 13 week appt, Dr. Laden requested that I return weekly to make sure i wasn't starting to miscarry. I remember that appt was a thursday and that friday night, i went up to the youth center (i was still working as a youth minister at the time and really loved being around the teens to remind me how much God was asking us to show them His glory thru us) and i told mitch before i left the house, i was spotting. We both thought, well..this might be it. And we were thankful for the mercy if that was His will. See, i stupidly went home after that appt and did the internet research. WORST thing i ever did. sort of. You want to be informed, but you don't want to be scared out of your mind that your baby is going to be deformed and you won't be able to be strong enough to look at her face..it's a horrid thought. But we are human. And i want to be honest with you all, in hopes that i will offer you the consolation that you aren't horrible if you've thought it, too. So when we thought i was losing her, we were a bit relieved.

It turned out it was nothing. I had placenta previa (partial) with Travis so we had our fair share of scares that go 'round. When the spotting was gone by bedtime, we just watched and took it easy and waited for the next appt. That appt was the beginning of the "good news, bad news" journey. Dr. Laden said the fluid sacs around her neck (cystic hygromas) were almost gone and that could point to a heart condition instead of any chromosome abnormalities. And her heart rate was 163, so the fear of miscarriage was pretty much gone too! Good News! But i had selective hearing at the last appt. and apparently we could still be looking at Trisomy 21, Downs. Bad News. But anything was better than hearing we would most likely lose her before ever meeting her....

Which leads me to the most important thing Mitch and I discerned over the course of the pregnancy. Of course, an amnio would have confirmed all the questions we had. It would have limited the drs. appts, and the medical bills and would have allowed us the chance to better plan for our time with her, should God give us a full term pregnancy and live birth. But it also would have robbed us of the hope we carried along the way. This is just how WE felt about this. I see both sides of being able to have the certainty. I would have had NILMDTS there taking pics for us. I would have held her more, given her a bath, had travis meet his baby sister and held her. We would have done so much differently. But we also believe with all our hearts that would we have had that amnio, we would have lost her then. We were so convicted of this that even today, i have absolutely no regrets in just living the pregnancy. After all, we were going to live it out no matter what the world said.

Mitch and I were united in what we felt God was telling us and preparing our hearts for. We felt God was preparing us for a daughter we would have to give back to Him. But even with the hope at each appt, we....just...knew.

Wait for the LORD;

Be strong and let your heart take courage;

Yes, wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

And even tho we thought we "knew"....we had no idea just how much courage it was going to take to get us down that road..that hallway...that room...in texas children's NICU.

Cana Lynn Milbrandt : From Conception to 13 weeks

2009-07-13T12:19:00.001-07:00

Writing this is keeping me "afloat." And if you are reading it, thank you...for jumping in to paddle next to me, which encourages us to just keep swimming.

January 26, 2008, some of our very best friends were getting married. I was in the wedding and it was at the same beautiful church Mitch and I said our vows in. So it was a renewal of sorts for us. Travis was just 8 months old. I told mitch, half jokingly, that i was going to be wearing a pretty dress AND was going to be ovulating....so hand's off! Neither of us was ready to be parents of 2 under 2. Fast foward 14 days later, and the test was positive. We laughed at each other...and as i swatted at him with my "i told you!", deep in my belly, i knew something was off.

When i made the appt. with my o/b, we scheduled for march 4th. I was 5.5 weeks pregnant. But no heartbeat was heard. We could see it on the screen and all seems normal in terms of being that early. She rescheduled me for a week later, and assured me that our date was just wrong. (those of you who practice NFP, we always know our conception dates). So a week later, a faint heart beat was found. Dr. Laden told us that our approx. due date would be Nov. 1st. But i knew it would be more like Oct. 20th. She wasn't buying that the conception date was later than i said. I joked that unless i slept thru it......

Dr. Laden asked that I keep returning until our dates line up with baby #2's size. She was measuring at 6 weeks. I was 8 weeks. I was 10 weeks, she measured at 7. My friend Jen and I were pregnant with our #1's together, delivery just 3 days apart. Experiencing all the same stuff bonded us and our friendship grew from there...So when i called her to give her the news, I told her "i'm gonna need a favor. Could you go ahead and get knocked up so we can do this together again?" We laugh today about that conversation. I shared my heart was scared.....i mean, people always say that you forget about the delivery and pain once the child was born. Well, 8 months after Travis and i can retell the story, pain and all. I can STILL remember it. IT HURTS!

Week after week, Dr. Laden assured me that most mommies of 2nd pregnancies with healthy #1's almost always have MORE fear than with the first pregnancy. "Maybe because you know better now what you could lose, " she said. "it's natural to be scared but everything looks good right now." Then we got to week 13. Mitch and I had gone to this appt together and Travis was with my mom on her lunch break...she works very close to my drs. office. The previous appt was just the week before and the dr. said she saw some "extra fluid" around the neck. She said sometimes it goes away..it was still so early, but to be safe, bring mitch to the next appt. As we watched the clock, it was getting painfully close to the 1 hour mark. Time to get Travis. Phew! My name was called and as we got me prepped for the ultrasound, the nurse came back in and asked if we could come back in 1 hour. Dr. Laden was called out for an emergency delivery. We had no option. We picked up Travis, grabbed lunch, and then mitch waited downstairs while i went to the appt. alone. I remember this appt. the most. I remember the deafening sound after Dr. Laden said "well, it's a girl." At 13 weeks, we had never even considered knowing the sex of our #2 that early. She said "it doesn't look good, chris." She proceeded to share that it also showed some chromosomal issues. There are three possibilities. Turner Syndrome (TS) which is the least threatening of the three....is what we are "hoping" for. it would take a lot to explain but for time's sake, let's just say that instead of our baby girl having the XX chroms., she could only have 1 X. This would mean most likely that she will be short in stature, and probably won't be able to have children. There are other problems associated but... we won't know for now.

The other two possibilities are quite severe. Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18...both of which show a great risk of not carrying to full term...or live birth. If the child does live outside the womb, there is a great chance that we would lose her to Heaven within a year...most within the first 24 hours.

I took a deep breath and asked Dr. Laden if she would like to know her name. "Cana Lynn" for the wedding at Cana where Jesus performed his first miracle at the request of his mother, changing water into wine. (John 2:11) and Lynn for her godmother Diana Lynn. My sister and best friend. I walked out of the room, and broke. I tried so hard to keep it together. Seeing all those nurses who i'd spent so much time with over the last pregnancy and years...it was torture not being able to get ahold of myself so that they didn't look so pitifully at me. I don't fault them..it's just that their faces and expressions are locked in now. I just had one floor to go before the doors opened and mitch would be standing there with travis, waiting for the news. As the doors opened, he looked over his shoulder, holding our 8 month old son. Our perfect boy. I walked those 20 steps shaking my head and holding my breath. As i fell into his chest, i told him the news and we just held each other.

We believed that God would be glorified through this..and we didn't have to know "why." We just had to say "yes."

Cana Lynn Milbrandt March 27th, 2008.

Her story as i remember it...

2009-07-06T18:01:00.001-07:00

I'd love for this post to be about my girl. But i just don't think my emotional state can handle it. So this blog is a PROMISE (to me? or to you who care to read it?) that i will write and share her story soon.

Today marks day 8 of travis' "sleep strike" (thanks jamie). He takes great naps (2 hours exactly...every day) and he goes down at night without a fight (he gave that fight up at 8 months).
But for the last week, it's been no sleep from 11ish till 4 or 5 am. No breaks. (i don't count 15-25 mins a break.) Then we sleep in seeing as we are both drained from crying..yes, both of us being me and travis....and ok, mitch too. So we all sleep in till 8 or 9 or as late as 1030. It's not a fair trade if you ask me.

So this might be the reason (MIGHT be??) for my lack of emotional stability these last few days.

I'm praying and hoping that tonight will mark the turn of events that will allow us to enjoy my friend Jen and her sweet daughter, Erin..who is coming to visit us for a week, starting tomorrow.
Jen and i were preg. together and delivered 3 days apart. Her friendship came just in time and she's carried my heart in her hands many many times! This is her 2nd visit in less than a year and she's rescuing me and my sanity, i think!

So the life story of Cana Lynn could be up in a week or so. But don't hold me to it.

One more thing,..i recently read a blog on "drowning" and it spoke what i haven't been able to...and i really pray my friends and family can understand what we need and what we long for.

www.lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2009/06/drowning.html

Those of you who have been there with us thru all this,..you know i count you as my "Simon's."

The 5th station of the cross
With every step that Jesus took, the cross seemed to become heavier and heavier.
A soldier notices that Jesus is so weak, that He is stumbling and will no longer be able to carry the cross by Himself.The soldier sees Simon of Cyrene, who is not one of Jesus' followers, and forces him to help Jesus carry the cross the rest of the way.
Simon of Cyrene shouts out to the crowd in fear that he is not guilty of any crime like Jesus was accused of, but that he was being forced to help Jesus carry his cross.
Out of fear, he refused to help, but too frightened, he picked up the cross and began to walk with Jesus to Calvary.

A wedding...trying not to make it about me.

2009-06-22T14:16:00.001-07:00

This past saturday, Mitch, Travis and I were able to attend the wedding of some friends of ours from church. *sidebar: it was travis' first wedding and he did a pretty good job. The fact that it was our home church made things easier on him/us, i think. Anyways, I was a basket case. I started out good. I was just happy to be in a dress and fancy shoes. It had been a while. Mitch called it "another pregnancy dress." To which i responded with "WHAT???" grabbing my belly and thinking he meant "you look pregnant" or "you can wear that when you're pregnant." But what he meant was the last two times we went to a wedding, we got pregnant. I guess that's a compliment. :)
Ahem,...as i was saying, i started out good. But as soon as i saw that beautiful bride walk down the aisle, i lost it. And it was again..the most overused descriptive word of my year, "bittersweet."

A flood of emotions filled my heart and eyes. (yes, emotions can fill your eyes.) I kept it together for the most part..not wanting to make it about me. I have shared in the past that i feel closest to my daughter IN mass or in our church...unified with her as we receive communion..Christ's own body and blood...as we worship in union with all the saints and angels. But this is a wedding. "This is THEIR beginning. Don't make it about you, Chris. Surrender. Sacrifice. Shut it down. Do whatever you need to do to keep it together." So i did. And i think i've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing this grief. I only let it out with certain people. *thank you, you know who you are. i love you.

What i am able to express about how i felt goes like this:
never would i wish what we've experienced on anyone. But i remember our wedding day. I remember the optimism, the hope, the joy. And lately...it's so hard to pull up that memory without the taste of death. I know that's just par for the course and let me tell you..it SUCKS. But it's our reality now. And some days I receive it with joy and obedience. And some days i want to flip every one off. The anger is natural. yes. But i feel like i'm somehow failing God when i get angry or impatient with our healing. Somehow, i feel like if God has asked us to carry this cross, and someone who may not know the joy of the Lord comes into my path, and it's an angry day, or hour or minute, then somehow i've let God down in glorifying him.

So i don't wish this newlywed couple to ever know the sorrow of losing your child. But a part of me looks at them and longs for the naive wedding day we had. Before we knew of Oct. 9th, 7:45 pm.

Hey Chief! What's happenin...?

2009-06-03T19:02:00.001-07:00

If you know me, you know that I'm pretty good at articulating my feelings. So i myself find it so strange that i've yet to post just a regular blog on how we are doing on this journey of grief and loss. Maybe that's cause the few of you who actually read this already know and i didn't want to bore you with repetition and sadness. But i've just gotta...

The days leading up to Mitch and Travis' bdays were odd. Mitch and I were pretty distant, unable to express any emotions or even get a grasp on how to handle (or not handle) them. It wasn't until a week or so after that weekend that we kind of realized how angry we were and the reasons for it.

I was looking at the pictures of the birthday party. There was a family shot. And it was kind of the first one i didn't mind posting of myself. (hard on myself with the baby(s) weight) But i sat there and just let it wash over me that our family of 4 is only visible to US. When you look at a family pic of us, you might say "oh how sweet." or even "oh..that would have been nice..if she didn't have icing in her teeth." But i look at it and say "one of us is missing..." And i wonder now...will i ALWAYS feel that way? Will i ever, for the rest of my life, ever look at a family shot of us and not immediately think of the one who isn't there? And then comes the anger....

When we have the birthdays, the gatherings, the what should have been HER firsts...when i think about this year (oct9,08 - 0ct9,09)...when i think about it being almost 8 months, i LONG for that 1 year anniversary. I LONG for this FIRST year to be OVER. I want it to be the day after the one year anniversary. I want to be done with these firsts. They SUCK. In the past, i didn't want any time to pass because it meant it was one more day since i'd held her in my arms. It meant it was further away from her. But now, i just want this year to be done. Made it threw year one, check. Next....

Most of my friends who were pregnant with me for baby #1...have had or are having their #2's. So i feel like i'm missing out on the conversations and sharing on how hard it is to juggle two now. Or watching my friends walk out with their babies in the stroller and their firsts tagging along behind. I wonder how travis would be with his little sister. I wonder if he knows he's a big brother. The reason i wonder this is because my friend Kathy came over yesterday with her #2, a baby girl - Naomi Jane. She is, so far, the only baby GIRL i've held...will hold. So far. So travis has been asking about her a LOT. When i mention going to play with the kids, he always asks if 'baby nomi" will be there. So when Kathy laid Naomi on the couch, travis crawled pretty much over kathy, to perch up on top of baby Naomi and just say, over and over again "hi baby girl...hi...hi baby girl.." It was gut wrenching and glorious all at once. Even later, when Mitch got home, and i asked travis to tell daddy what he said to the little girl that was here, he repeated it just the same.

Last night, i went to my little sisters dance recital. Allissa is almost 7. This is, i believe, her 4th recital. But i always go. I'd never miss it. But this year...was almost painful. I wasn't feeling particularly sad that day. I didn't feel like i'd been holding back or anything. But when i saw all those little girls dancing, and all the family that gathered around to praise the girls and oooh and aww over them...it hit me that i might not ever get to be a mommy to a baby girl here on earth. What if Cana was my only? What if years down the road, when i have all boys, someone asks me "so do you want to try for a girl?" and i want to shout "but i HAVE a girl!" (this happened to a girl in my support group.)

All in all, we still don't have anger towards God for this..but i realize that if we are angry with PEOPLE, then aren't we angry with God? I don't want to be angry, but in our trying to find hope in people, we've just been so let down. How do you have hope without expectation? We are still learning. Still growing. Still grieving. Please don't stop asking us how we are. And if you haven't asked us because you are afraid we'll "get sad," please be assured that we LOVE sharing about her. We LOVE when people ask. Or when people share a thought they had of her, esp. out of the blue. We love knowing she might have had an impact on your life. It really does make it better, even if just for that moment.

Travis' 2nd bday (oh and Mitch's bday too!)

2009-06-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

A little something to make the family happy..some pics of our memorial weekend,which fell on Travis' 2nd and Mitch's 37th bday's.

We enjoyed a small gathering at the house on friday, 22nd, and then the rest of the weekend, we basically just hung around here enjoying all the fun new toys and the beautiful weather.

Travis got some much needed new clothes and a pretty decent start up collection of match box cars. We also treated him to a water table and a sand table. He likes to mix the two. Mom doesn't like the clean up of that neat trick. But my OCD is learning to take a backseat to the fun in the mess. I'm finding the joy in just watching him get messy. And wrigley likes the fact that she now has a giant water bowl that she doesn't have to bend down to drink from.

We also had a play date here at the house last friday. Bethany and her boys, Tye (2.5) and Jax (4 mo's) , Jamie and her boys Asher (2+) and Jude (10 mo's). They were a blast! Most of the time, it's independent play, but every once in a while, they'd scuffle over who gets to hold the birthday balloons still floating around. I, however, am enamored with Jude (my dude) and he is just as in love with me. The best part about us is that he doesn't mind that I haven't lost the baby weight yet, and i don't mind that he hasn't.

Easter Sunday

2009-05-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

Our Easter celebration was full of new memories to hold on to and cherish. We went to the 11 o'clock mass at st. martha's and for the first time, had to attend the "spill over" mass in the FLC. It was bilingual..which was....neat. I really wouldn't call it bilingual since every song we sang was in spanish but...it's the same Jesus. And we still celebrate the resurrection, so hey, let's not be picky. Alleluia sounds the same in spanish anyways.

After mass, we were invited to Jeanne's oldest daughter's house..the Brown's...and they had quite the spread! Melanie and Kevin have 3 children and Jeanne's other daughter, Bridget (she sang at our wedding and Cana's funeral) and Steve have 3 children too...so lots of fun for travis! He really tries to keep up. The grownup boys coordinated the egg hunt, outside, on the lake side/shore ...Travis remembered "uncle ray" teaching him how to skip rocks. So that must be what he should do with the eggs. Mitch spent pretty much the entire time blocking travis' shots into the water. It was hilarious!

We had also had our own egg hunt at home that morning, so travis learned pretty quickly that the eggs that make "noise" have "moneys" in them. So when we got to melanie's, at the egg hunt, he would pick up an egg, shake it, and if it didn't make noise, his first response was to put it back down. Guess he doesn't have a sweet tooth?

HA HA TOLD YOU SO! (Mitch's First blog)

2009-05-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

WOW!!!
I spent a week listening to Chris tell me that she really believed she had type II diabetes, and well I know she felt anxious and concerned that her blood sugar was too high and for me to come home with a tub of Pralines and Cream ice cream didn't help, but I wasn't as convinced as she was. So she went to see her doctor today and it turns out that she doesn't have it and that she was worrying her pretty little mind over a reading she was basing off of her gestational diabetes score. Turns out she was just tired. Travis seems to do that to even the most energetic of people.

While Chris was gone today, Travis locked himself, Wrigley (our dog) and Eliza (babysitter) out of the house for 3 hours!!! It's cool cause Eliza kept him hydrated with sips from the waterhose outside (Eliza you rule!!!).

Chris took a well deserved night off and spent it with friends while I took Travis out to dinner. We went to La Madeline where he flirted with the girls around us and ate half a quiche. He's such an awesome boy...amazes me that he's our son! I think he really digs riding around in daddy's truck as he likes to brag in public about it.

Thanks for keeping us in your prayers and please continue to do so! We love and pray for y'all as well! Good Night!

One more week 'til Travis and I share our B-Days!

2 in 2

2009-05-14T06:50:00.000-07:00

So i'm two for two..and that's not in blogs, it's days to the gym. today is day 3. however, a rough night makes for no motivation. BUT, (and it's a big butt).....i made a committment and while YOU don't need me telling you every time i go to the gym, it does help ME to get er done.

I'm having a hard time listening to "Imagination Movers" while i work out tho. Mitch uploaded a TON of "travis mix" onto the mp3 player for our drive to rockport this past weekend. AND deleted my "work out mix."

There are some sweet jams on there tho.

Can i get a what-what?

2009-05-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

what-what! Two posts in two days. that's right. I'm awesome.

So let's just put it out there, shall we? I'm pretty sure i have TYPE II diabetes. Now, let me be clear on something. I used to be a gym rat. I have yo yo lost weight (i won't say yo yo dieting because i never really could take on the food limitations) but i HAVE lost 50 pounds and 48 pounds at two different times in my life.

Once at 16 and once at 26. Now i'm not waiting till 36 to do this again.
And we're gonna attempt to double that number.

Here is my commitment to the few of you who read this...and to myself...
I'm going to lose 100 lbs.
However, i will not put a time limit on myself. Just gonna do it. It could take a year. Which would be ideal because we want to get pregnant again. Or i might break it up into two 50's cause we DO want to get on that baby bus before next summer.

so if you see me around, wink. I need all the encouragement i can get.

toldja.

2009-05-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

Ok ok...i told you this would wind up on the "stuff i feel guilty for neglecting" list...but seriously, jamie, i can't take the pressure of coming up with fun stuff that i think people would actually WANT to read...the way i feel when i'm with you.....wait, WHAT? i just went into dirty dancing quotes there...sorry, lack of sleepishness. yes, it's a word.

I guess i can share how we just spent the weekend with mitch's parents for mother's day...and how i thought that sunday was the 9th, so when i realized it was the 10th, it was like the 9th never existed, so i never got the chance to "be sad." (for those of you newbies, the 9th is the anniversary "date" of my daughter's death) Anyhoosits, the overnight visit was blessed and even tho it's a lot of work to get down there (rockport) and then chase travis the whole time, it was wonderful to get to witness travis' awesomeness through the eyes of his grandparents. they met the need that mitch and i have to have that "normal" grandparent experience. They are enamored with him..not afraid to interact and bond..and it was just so fun!

on a side note, travis LOVES raw onions! Yeah..i'm starting to wonder if i dreamt birthing him and maybe he's some one else's offspring. because i HATE raw onions. I will even pick them off of a mcdonald's reg. hamburger...if i ate mcdonald's. cause i don't. nope. i'm stronger than that. no no..wait..i'm not. i not so secretly LOVE mcdonald's. i'm sorry. judge me.

oh..ok so getting back to travis...we were eating burgers (NOT mcdonalds) at home and he stuck his hand in the bowl of onions and just started munching. Like full on, grabbing for more. Then he picked up a sliced onion, and laid it on his face, even tilting his head back a bit so as to not let it fall. Then he made sure everyone at the table saw it before it fell. He's never done this with food before. He was quite the ham this weekend. And we got a refresher course on our abc's because that is the ONLY song he would sing. The entire drive there.

happy now, jamie?

jumping on

2009-04-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

So i'm feeling the pressure of coming up with some quick and witty first line of our blog. Obviously, i've failed. But i'm jumping on this bandwagon nonetheless. I like to use the word "nonetheless" daily. Let's check that off our list for today.

I'm not sure this won't be just another "to do" for me to not do. But if you'll have me, I'd like to share my life stories and struggles, joys and sorrows with you.

Let's get this party started....

titled "blessed and broken."
Or..."still blessed and broken" since the first was taken. thanks a lot. 2nd best. story of my life.

Now seriously, folks....I am blessed....in that i am found in the Lord. In the shadow of His wings, i shall rejoice. I am broken. And in my brokenness, God has asked me to give myself in humble obedience. Some days not so humble. Some days not so obedient. But I'll do my best to point you towards Heaven with my life.