Tuesday, January 5, 2010

why have i hesitated?

I have pulled up the blog many many times since november and wondered why i just couldn't find the words to share where my heart was at.  Thanksgiving was enjoyable and quiet.  Mitch was blessed to be able to attend the Texas A&M / UT game and he had a blast.  I enjoyed some time hanging with mom and travis, and then later, going to the Moore's home (elizabeth's family) and shared a feast with them while travis ran amuck.  Around 930 or so, a few of the girls from youth groups past were able to come by for some Dulce De Leche hot cocoa and we had some great girl chats.  It was a nice distraction and i hardly noticed how i was feeling....
then came our ultrasound, finding out we are having another baby girl.  As many of you can probably attest, this is such a strange place to be.  You want to be celebrating and thinking about all the girl stuff you get to buy, the decorating, the presents...but there is a hole in your heart that speaks "i wish it was cana."  And while i do fully understand the spiritual realm of where she is and not wanting to trade her forever for my missing, my worldly heart and mind wonder...what life would have been like with her here.

We have named Travis' and Cana's new baby sister Elizabeth Hope.  We wanted her middle name to point her, us and everyone who cares to ask..right back to her big sister.  We wanted her middle name to tell Cana's story. And the scripture that brings it all to light and truth for us "For i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future." 

The week of christmas was a rough one for me/us.  I was sitting on the couch, having been grouchy and mad at various situations all day long.  A dear friend and fellow mom of loss shared with me a few months ago as we got thru the 1 year anniversary pretty smoothly, that in the days and months to come, i may find myself angry for no reason, unable to get out of a funk, and then realize that it had been too long since i'd spoken of her, shared about her, or even talked about her with Mitch. She helped me to realize that if i don't allow myself time to continue to grieve, that it would creep in without me noticing.  And to allow myself time to battle those triggers before they surface.  Mitch and i sat on the couch a few days before christmas and i told him thru tears that i had been thinking about Cana so much more lately.  I had been haunted by the last moments with her, reliving them almost hourly in my days.  I couldn't get the thoughts of her last breath, or even her cry out of my head.  He asked me why.  It was in that exact moment i realized that with every kick or punch or hiccup i felt our little elizabeth give me...it brought me rushing back to my time with Cana.   Thru sobs, i said "how do i NOT think about Cana with every feeling i have about Elizabeth?"  It was like we both realized it then.  Here we were, back in the bittersweet.

I don't deny the beauty and grace and mercy of our Lord giving us another baby girl.  I don't deny how joyful it makes me to know I (prayerfully) get that memory of watching her dance on her daddy's feet at some wedding years from now.  I also don't deny the beauty of knowing our baby girl is dancing on her daddy's feet right now in glory.  I know that God has been and is going to continue to renew our brokenness.  But it's still a process.  I just never saw this part of it coming.