why have i hesitated?

I have pulled up the blog many many times since november and wondered why i just couldn't find the words to share where my heart was at.  Thanksgiving was enjoyable and quiet.  Mitch was blessed to be able to attend the Texas A&M / UT game and he had a blast.  I enjoyed some time hanging with mom and travis, and then later, going to the Moore's home (elizabeth's family) and shared a feast with them while travis ran amuck.  Around 930 or so, a few of the girls from youth groups past were able to come by for some Dulce De Leche hot cocoa and we had some great girl chats.  It was a nice distraction and i hardly noticed how i was feeling....
then came our ultrasound, finding out we are having another baby girl.  As many of you can probably attest, this is such a strange place to be.  You want to be celebrating and thinking about all the girl stuff you get to buy, the decorating, the presents...but there is a hole in your heart that speaks "i wish it was cana."  And while i do fully understand the spiritual realm of where she is and not wanting to trade her forever for my missing, my worldly heart and mind wonder...what life would have been like with her here.

We have named Travis' and Cana's new baby sister Elizabeth Hope.  We wanted her middle name to point her, us and everyone who cares to ask..right back to her big sister.  We wanted her middle name to tell Cana's story. And the scripture that brings it all to light and truth for us "For i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future." 

The week of christmas was a rough one for me/us.  I was sitting on the couch, having been grouchy and mad at various situations all day long.  A dear friend and fellow mom of loss shared with me a few months ago as we got thru the 1 year anniversary pretty smoothly, that in the days and months to come, i may find myself angry for no reason, unable to get out of a funk, and then realize that it had been too long since i'd spoken of her, shared about her, or even talked about her with Mitch. She helped me to realize that if i don't allow myself time to continue to grieve, that it would creep in without me noticing.  And to allow myself time to battle those triggers before they surface.  Mitch and i sat on the couch a few days before christmas and i told him thru tears that i had been thinking about Cana so much more lately.  I had been haunted by the last moments with her, reliving them almost hourly in my days.  I couldn't get the thoughts of her last breath, or even her cry out of my head.  He asked me why.  It was in that exact moment i realized that with every kick or punch or hiccup i felt our little elizabeth give me...it brought me rushing back to my time with Cana.   Thru sobs, i said "how do i NOT think about Cana with every feeling i have about Elizabeth?"  It was like we both realized it then.  Here we were, back in the bittersweet.

I don't deny the beauty and grace and mercy of our Lord giving us another baby girl.  I don't deny how joyful it makes me to know I (prayerfully) get that memory of watching her dance on her daddy's feet at some wedding years from now.  I also don't deny the beauty of knowing our baby girl is dancing on her daddy's feet right now in glory.  I know that God has been and is going to continue to renew our brokenness.  But it's still a process.  I just never saw this part of it coming.

Remembering and Celebrating

Read this on the mooney's blog, and had to "borrow" it, as it really does reflect our hearts as well.

"This year we remember the One

sent to earth as a child as we ourselves:

Remember one. Enjoy one. Anticipate one."

 

 Christina (with baby #3 - Elizabeth Hope in tummy),

Wrigley, Travis - 2.5years old, Mitch

Defining?

"The experience of loss does not have to be the defining moment of our lives. Instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss. It is not what happens to us that matters so much as what happens in us. It's about the grace that can transform us in the midst of sorrow. and joy not after the darkness, but even in the midst of it."

I read this late last night as i browsed some blogs and sites on mothers of infant loss.  This was prob. on the book jacket of some grief book, forgive me for not knowing exactly which one.  but this spoke directly to my heart and convicted me to the point that i felt i must post it.  I had a friend tell me back in august that no one thing should define us, responding to me feeling like all i was in that moment was a mom of loss.  That first year of loss was defining.  It was/is a process and there were days i felt like i couldn't burden one more person with my grief. And then there were days where i felt a great witness, for His glory, as i celebrated the life God let me carry.  Then i read this quote and it brought it all home for me....

The experience of the loss isn't what defined me/us.  It happened to us..and it's the beginning of a new journey...but it's how I'm living her life and death now.  And how I'm responding to it.  That could mean that I live it with joy even in the darkness, or it's in the moments where we really struggle to see the light.  Either way, if we LET Him, His grace WILL transform us.  We have a free will in all of this.  We have to decide to glorify God even in the darkness.  We don't go to church for ourselves. We go to church to show our God how grateful we are that HE IS GOD.  full stop.  For me, it's about how grateful i am that i am NOT God.  I am able to surrender this pain at the foot of His cross, knowing that i place it in very capable hands.  God continues to show me over and over again that He's got my back.  It may not be in my time line.  And in certain situations where i long for answers, it may not even be in this LIFE time..but I will know as i am known.  and that's enough for me.

About a week ago, we had a playdate at a friend's house.  This friend brought me into their already existing circle of friends/playgroup of boys and they all welcomed me, warts and all i always say.  With our first year of loss finally behind us, i felt more like my old self and more like the friend i wanted to be to others.  (in that first year,i felt like i couldn't be anything but someone who sucked all the air out of a room when i was sad or needed to cry. I felt like i COULDN'T be a friend.)  but they kept me around anyways.  At the playdate, we took a picture of all the kiddos.  and each one was with their little brother or sister (we've all since had 2 babies, which is totally awesome! and two of us are cooking our 3rd).  When the picture was emailed around later that day, my first thought was how fun it was to see each of them growing into the little men (and woman) they will become.  Then i saw that travis was sitting without his little sister.  And just that fact that it wasn't my FIRST thought is progress in itself.  As i let it sink it that it was ok to notice it, and that it was ok to mention it to close family, i really just asked God to bring His peace into my heart because He was going to fill that space of missing.  He would have to be ENOUGH for me until i get to see her again. 

The next morning, I received two gifts from Him, reminding me and in a way, rewarding me for trusting in Him and letting Him be enough.  (it's something i've struggled with all my spiritual life)  The first gift came from THIS BLOG, Jamie - mom to Asher and my boy Jude + #3.  She took the time to recognize that travis is a big brother too, even tho Cana was not pictured.  This small gift of remembering our girl was a HUGE offering to me.  And in that moment, i saw God use her to remind me that what matters to me matters to Him.  A few moments later, an email popped in from Patsi/Bethany and it said "So very cute of all the boys, but so sad that Cana is not there with Travis...."  and again, God is telling me He will put it on the hearts of those who love me and He will use them to remind me over and over again that He is near.  I am just so grateful to those who took me in, while in the midst of the grief, and have walked with me as i journey out of the darkness, learning to walk in the joy and celebration of life again.

An email Prayer Request

Fr. David Noble (LEFT-glasses) and Fr. Bruce Noble (RIGHT)

Hello friends and family
i call on you once again to join me in prayer for Fr. David Noble and brother Bruce (see email below).  Fr. David, if you remember from our journey with Cana, was the priest on hand for her baptism last Oct. 8 at Texas Children's.  We had never met, and when i told him our daughter's name, he stopped in his tracks, then sharing that he had been very involved in marriage encounter and that the sat. night experience during the weekend retreats are called "Cana."  He then stayed 4 hours past his schedule to baptize her and then sat with us in the cafeteria and prayed with us and over us, sharing in our story and even sharing a bit about theology of the body.  It was just as God had ordained so now i ask you all, as I ask our daughter to intercede for God's perfect will to be done, ultimately healing Fr. David in whichever way God plans.  For strength and for beauty in the suffering to be seen as a witness to all.

peace of Christ,
c.


Dear All,
 
UPDATE on the NOBLE FATHERS:
 
You may not be aware but Fr. Bruce Noble recently attended a Marriage Encounter weekend. He and his identical twin, Fr. David Noble, were Marriage Encounter priest years ago and presented over 1000 weekends on 5 continents! Fr. Bruce has recently discerned to become a presenting priest again and just attended his Deeper weekend.
 
Much to our shock and sadness, his brother, Fr. David very recently was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with colon & kidney involvement. He is slated to go to MD Anderson tomorrow to start therapy. After the Deeper Weekend, a week ago, both Fr. Bruce & David flew to Tampa for a retreat /conference in regard to the Anglican entrance into the Catholic church. While there, David got ill and was taken to the hospital where they performed emergency colon surgery. He now has an ostomy bag. Everything is happening very fast and they are greatly in need of prayer. They are still in Tampa and are hoping to get home today or tomorrow and go straight to MDA. Fr. Bruce sounded upbeat this morning when I talked to him.
 
Our hearts and prayers go out to Fr. David and Fr. Bruce, who have a very special relationship, living and working together, serving the God's people in marriage and hospital ministries all their lives. Let us pray that God may, in His great mercy and love, heal Fr. David.
 
Storm the heavens with prayer!
 
Please pass this to all your parish prayer groups and all you know.

I promise, I'm still here.  Just to give you the quick run down of the latest happenings:

•   Halloween was fun!  Here's our lil spider man.  He also got a haircut that day, his first professional faux and let me just say, he rocked it out!  He was so impressed with himself, first admiring the do' and then...almost holding back the look of "dang! I look goood!"  It was a pretty hilarious sight.

•   We are 16 weeks (+ a few) along with our #3 and we'll find out what we're having on Dec. 2!  So excited!  A bit to share on how the last ultrasound went but more how i felt during it. Baby is healthy and super active.  Every once in a while, i think i feel a flutter.  I just have to wait to see if it's just gas. :)

•  Travis and I enjoy our time together a little bit more now that the first trimester is over.  I have my energy back and we take more walks.  Of course, the 70 degree weather helps a bit.  We talk a lot more and it's a joy to see him "work it out" as he forms the sentences and chooses just the right words.

•  I am preparing for CRAFT SHOW #2, St. Anthony of Padua in the woodlands, tx, DEC. 4/5, 09. I am uber pumped and as i fill orders (thank you Lord for your provision in orders and in this gift), i am trying to also build up more inventory for the show.  Mostly, i'm excited to be in the woodlands and at one of my home parishes, as this is where Mitch and I got married and where i met my dear friends Courtney and Cameron.  Looking forward to lots of familiar faces.  And i'd love to see a few new faces too!  (i.e. buy! buy! buy!)

•  Mitch and I are enjoying the little boy we are watching grow up and we anticipate with little anxiety the day travis will meet his new little.  Because travis was so young when his little sister Cana was born, he really won't have the memory of her in my belly or out.  But with this new life, i love that he is so involved and questioning and concerned and thinking of new things to ask:

"is there a baby in there?

"baby not ready yet. too small. 
baby needs to grow and grow and grow."

"where's yer belly button?  that's how baby eats."

"Is there a lot of water in there?"

"Can i take the baby to the park for a walk?  On the slide?  
I'll share my toys."

"ssshhhh..baby sleeping."

And my personal favorite:

"mommy needs rest."

As time goes by...

As time goes by, i find that i've thought more and more about the days after Cana's bday and resurrection day.  What helped to focus so much on that time was my dear friend Nikki was sharing her journey as they prepared for and gave birth to their baby girl Johanna.  Sweet girl lived for 63 minutes and i'm humbled to be walking with them as they journey forward in grief and celebration, sorrow and joy.  I found my heart longs to be received as i reach out to walk with others on the same road we are on.  It offers healing to not only my heart but theirs, i pray.  It's my joy to carry the cross as others have shown us and walked with us.  And it gives me comfort in my own pain, to know God can use us even in our brokenness,..if we LET Him.  And that is when the joy returns.  What a God we serve that gives us a taste of His grace and glory as we encourage the body of Christ, even when it's not so easy.  It's never easy to approach suffering.  But the gifts He gives us..the strength in the battle....it's all Him.  I'm so proud of this family.  Something i feel we need to hear often during this time.  To give our bodies so completely to the Lord, and to have the life that grew within us..to have to hand that life back to the Lord, as He has asked...may seem impossible.  But God makes all things new!  And we get to witness that in faith...our girls have been made new.  Nikki, i am so proud of you.  I am so humbled to call you friend.  I hope you can heal as we walk together....United in Christ.

Celebrations

The past few days have been filled with more grace than I could have imagined.  And while it's true what they say, the lead up and anticipation of the 1 year anniversary of the death of your child is worse than the day/s itself....i can only imagine how much harder these past few days would have been without all your prayers.  We truly felt covered by all of you.  I personally feel DIFFERENT today.  I actually felt different as we drove away from the gravesite.  It was like  "ok. we got thru that year.  It's time to look ahead now."  That one year anniversary was just a huge black cloud..a black hole, if you will, which seemed to just suck the life and joy out of my days.  I really do FEEL like i can walk a little lighter.  I thank you all for carrying this burden and sorrow these last few days.  I felt every single prayer, and every offering.  I know the body of Christ spent some time at the gates of Heaven for us this week.

Oct. 8 - we went to The Aquarium Restaurant for lunch.

 After lunch, we picked up cupcakes for cana's bday.  And at 432pm, we sang happy birthday and let travis blow out the candle.

 For dinner, we ordered Italiano's and shared some time with family at home.  Elizabeth included, of course.  Cause she's family.

Oct. 9 - I slept in, then mitch took a nap.  We all woke up late from naps to rush around trying to get out of the house in the pouring rain, to be at the gravesite around 415/430 but I decided to have some spectacular morning sickness as we were getting ready...slowed us down to make our arrival there about 5pm.  (sorry jamie!)  We picked up some flowers, brought the cupcakes, towels, and some umbrellas.  On the way there, the sun poked thru and God reminded us of His promise and covenant with a very quick and beautiful rainbow.  Ah..that's just like God to do that!  We really wanted to create the celebration mood and i think we did!  My adopted parents, Jeanne & Duane, even came out in the rain.  And, of course, Elizabeth, my crutch, was there too.  She brought Cana some daisy's.

 Then we came home and enjoyed some Arroz con Pollo, ala Grandma, and just vegged, enjoyed the time together, and honestly...felt a renewed joy...esp. since the first real cold front of the year rolled thru.  Mitch and I opened the windows, watched some "HOUSE" and shared how neat it was that God gave us some nice cool weather on her resurrection day anniversary.  He said "you know...i wait 365 days for this moment..and He gives it to us tonight."  Timing.

Today, Oct. 10, was the MEND "walk to remember."  We took travis and shared a quick walk, a really neat sharing by Nancy Guthrie, some praise and worship...and then they call your child's name/s and you are allowed to place the personalized ornament on a tree.  Then we all head out to the parking lot for the balloon release.  *we had coached travis on this all day....because he's deathly afraid of losing his "other" balloons (free balloons at the grocery store, etc) as we walk to the car, so i told him we were ALL going to let them go..up up up to Heaven, to celebrate Cana's bday.  At first, he was pretty panicked, then I think he got it, and we really enjoyed watching him experience this.  It was overwhelming to see them all.  Pink for girls, Blue for boys, and white for miscarriages.  Heartbreaking.  But so beautiful to know all our babies are dancing with Jesus.