Even tho we just found out we are expecting again, all i seem to think about is Cana. I don't say this with any real surprise in my heart. I mean, the last life i carried was her. But it still surprises me, these highs and lows. I still wonder how much people think about me. I still wonder if I'm walking the road the way God intended me to. I still know that i know that i know...that i would never trade where she is for my need to hold her. "Lord, if you were to give me the power for that one word to bring her back, i would not speak it." (i'm paraphrasing but...man, does that lay it all out for me!) I am grateful for the gift of faith that God has given me..i've never struggled with knowing the Lord and knowing that I need a savior. I often forget to thank Him for that gift, tho. I forget that it IS easier for me than for some. I need to remember this when I begin to question the journey of others...i need to offer the grace and compassion that God has extended to me. Lord, help me to grow..and may I always be closer to you today than i was yesterday.
Cana was induced on Wed. Oct, 8th, 2008. We were told to get to St. Luke's Medical Center in Houston around 530am by the hospital when we "signed up" a few days before. We were told by the OB that was scheduled to deliver me (i had to have a new dr. for this deliver because of the conditions unknown), that i didn't have to be there till 9. Well, we are SO not morning people so 9 it was. More like 915 but whatevs...
We checked in and Anna, my great friend who worked in Texas Children's just a walkway connected to St.Luke's, met us at the check in counter. She works in the PICU heart unit. We got to the room we would deliver Cana in. I was already 3.5cm dilated and fully effaced. Same as with travis. I was already almost 1/2 way there. Because it had only been 15 months since i'd delivered travis, i could (and still can) remember every single detail (and contraction) of his birth. But he was almost 9 pounds. they told me we'd be lucky if cana was close to 5 pounds.
Around 10 am, they started my pitocin. I remember just eating ice, listening to some old school rap on my mp3 and asking Mitch if he was texting, who he was hearing from, if our priest had called yet, had diana called yet (from australia-my sister was gone for a year doing mission work).
I found out that the OB who was going to deliver cana was NOT going to be delivering her. I had some "new guy." Dr. Ivey was great but i had never had a guy doc and wasn't all about sharing my "biz" with some stranger..esp. in this situation. But he was great. A little....shall we say...in touch with his feminine side, but just lovely. We talked about our birth plan - as long as we could go natural, that was what we wanted. He said as long as Cana's heart didnt' show any distress, we could. But many many babies with heart abnormalities die in the birth canal. We still felt this was God's mercy and if we could keep me from being cut open so that i could get to NICU fast, that was how it would go down. Ultimately, we trusted the docs could hear God too and if they said cut, we cut. But our prayer was to push her on out, God's way.
Around 330, dr. Ivey came in and said that he was going to break my water at 4. I was only at 6.5 or 7 and really needed to progress. Like clockwork, at 4, he broke it. And water was EVERYWHERE! Mitch jumped back, dr. ivey shouted to "get another one"..meaning that pad that is supposed to soak up....the nurse was scrambling,,i was apologizing. I felt like i was peeing all over the place. And as it all gushed out, i felt Cana kick me harder than ever! Maybe it was a punch but i felt her just kind of go "what the?????!" Dr. Ivey looks at me very sternly and says, "i'm just going to pull up a chair and do some work over here. She is going to be here fast. " I kind of laughed. He was dead serious. He pulled up a chair, did some paper work...and within 20 seconds, the contractions started. I mean..i hadn't felt hardly a thing all day,..then all of a sudden, it all came flooding back to me. Oh, yes..i REMEMBER THIS! Craaaap!
I didnt' drop any f-bombs. I only dropped one with travis. :) I was listening to Matt Maher on my mp3 player. Your grace is enough. As it is in Heaven. I rejoice.
I just focused on those words...i rejoice. i rejoice. i rejoice in you. in you. in you. I rejoice in you.
I have found that i absolutely love remembering every detail of cana's birthday and birth story. I also know that i love laughing about the little things that are completely embarassing but totally worth sharing. See, i delivered travis in what my nurse sarah called "knee chest" position. Don't let that fool you..i call it "ass up." I delivered travis on my hands and knees. It was awesome and i don't remember hardly any pain in that..but it was humiliating! With Cana, i had the standard...feet in stirrups. And i remember thinking "i don't know how to do this..." but it was actually fine. Except for this part.....
My dr. told me to focus on my breathing..to which i replied "DUH!!!" But i hadn't been doing a very good job....and he just reminded me not to push yet. Then mitch decided to repeat that every 5 seconds! I told him i wasn't and as soon as the words escaped my lips, i said "oh God..i have to push RIGHT NOW." Mitch shouted "DON'T" and dr. Ivey turned around, saw my face, and checked and said "GO!" and i did. I pushed once...and farted. Then, instead of just laughing or just letting it flee from my mind,....no not me..I decided the BEST thing to do would be to ANNOUNCE to everyone in the room (just the 2 nurses, mitch, my dr. and the nicu team) that i had indeed ...just farted. My dr. said "GO!" and a push later, she came flying out. The dr. had to tell me to stop pushing.
She wasn't breathing. The plan was that i would get to hold her first. But because she wasn't breathing on her own, they held her tiny purple body up to show me, and then snatched her to the nicu team and out the door.
Mitch and i cried. I said "i can't believe she's already out of me. I can't believe it was so easy. I'm all done already." Dr. Ivey sewed my one stitch, and I told Mitch i was fine, to go out to the hallway to see her and see what is happening. It was about 20 seconds since i delivered her. I needed him to be with her. They wheeled her in in a tiny box, hooked up to tubes and i reached in and held her hand and said hello to my cana. She was so tiny! I couldn't really see her face. But she knew i was there. I told her i'd see her in a few moments. It was 2.5 hours later when i finally got to her side in NICU.
Just before they took her, mitch handed me the camera. He told me he took video of her.
she is just so perfect.