Monday, September 28, 2009

hurting. angry. scared. alone. frustrated. abandoned.......faithful.

As I type all the title of this post, i feel each and every one of those words...well, ALMOST all those words.  With my entire being. My whole entire body feels the effects of being hurt, angry, scared, alone, frustrated. abandoned.  But i don't necessarily FEEL faithful.  I want to feel faithful. I just don't when i feel all those other things.  I'm begging God to show me the truth in my brokenness.  Today is a hard day.  Again.

I know being pregnant again brings not just the hormonal ride of my life, but add to it the grief and the timing of being less than 2 weeks away from the 1st year anniversary of holding our baby girl as she breathed her last..and i'm just lost in this. 

I also know that I am still responsible for my emotions and my responses to others, whether they get it or not.  I cannot expect the world to stop spinning and just run to my aid as we prepare for that 1 year mark.  But even tho i can't expect it...i want it. I want it so badly.

But while i feel all those things...while i feel so completely alone in this journey...even if its just for a day, an hour, a moment...I KNOW that God is still God. I KNOW that HIS will is perfect.   I don't even know how to pray another way now. I don't want what I want. I recognize that if I can't even figure out if what i'm feeling is rational....then how the heck can i know what is best for me.  I am trusting that all of this emotion is part of a greater good. A witness.  A willingness to be open to life.....again.  A sacrifice in giving up my body again, so that life may grow within me..and asking God to bring me healing as i surrender to His will. 

I pray that even in my pain, you will see the faithfulness of God to me.  Just because He asked me to carry a life i couldn't "keep here," doesn't mean He isn't faithful and merciful and perfect.  Even in the broken babies, God is still so good to us.

Please remember us and remember our Cana and the wedding feast she is celebrating with her bridegroom every moment of eternity....on Oct. 8/9.

John 2:11


  1. How can we be so far away, and have never met in person, but have the exact same thoughts. There are days when I feel like absolutely no one understands what I'm experiencing, but then God shows me that He does. There are days that I want to keep Johanna with me, and other days that I'm willing to let her go. It's a difficult road, but you're doing it. You're walking it, and proclaiming how great our God is at the same time. Keep it up. You're a great mom, and a special mom.

  2. Sometimes I don't feel faithful either but I know God is there regardless of how I feel. I know the 1 year mark for Cana will be hard. It's a big day. (((hugs)))

  3. You've said some of the exact same things that I have felt....being responsible for my emotions.....being a witness.....wanting to be faithful, but not feeling faithful. I don't think you could've summed it up any better than when you said, "Even in the broken babies, God is still so good to us." Brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that simple truth. I will be thinking of and praying for you in the days to come.

  4. Hi Christina,

    Just wanted to say thanks for stopping by! I knew I recognized you when I saw your follow my hat blog. :)

    Thanks for the kind words on my hats. It's really something I just do for fun. I probably won't be doing it for much longer, esp when the baby comes, but in the meantime, it's something I can do just for me. Just like you were saying in your post when you introduced your biz here on your blog, it's really a blessing to be able to be a part of someone else's life and pray over the little one that will be wearing the hat!

    Well, please feel free to stop by anytime and I will be sure to come back and visit you too!

  5. I wanted to let you know that your name is on a prayer list on my blog Pooh's Corner. Come by and see.