As I type all the title of this post, i feel each and every one of those words...well, ALMOST all those words. With my entire being. My whole entire body feels the effects of being hurt, angry, scared, alone, frustrated. abandoned. But i don't necessarily FEEL faithful. I want to feel faithful. I just don't when i feel all those other things. I'm begging God to show me the truth in my brokenness. Today is a hard day. Again.
I know being pregnant again brings not just the hormonal ride of my life, but add to it the grief and the timing of being less than 2 weeks away from the 1st year anniversary of holding our baby girl as she breathed her last..and i'm just lost in this.
I also know that I am still responsible for my emotions and my responses to others, whether they get it or not. I cannot expect the world to stop spinning and just run to my aid as we prepare for that 1 year mark. But even tho i can't expect it...i want it. I want it so badly.
But while i feel all those things...while i feel so completely alone in this journey...even if its just for a day, an hour, a moment...I KNOW that God is still God. I KNOW that HIS will is perfect. I don't even know how to pray another way now. I don't want what I want. I recognize that if I can't even figure out if what i'm feeling is rational....then how the heck can i know what is best for me. I am trusting that all of this emotion is part of a greater good. A witness. A willingness to be open to life.....again. A sacrifice in giving up my body again, so that life may grow within me..and asking God to bring me healing as i surrender to His will.
I pray that even in my pain, you will see the faithfulness of God to me. Just because He asked me to carry a life i couldn't "keep here," doesn't mean He isn't faithful and merciful and perfect. Even in the broken babies, God is still so good to us.
Please remember us and remember our Cana and the wedding feast she is celebrating with her bridegroom every moment of eternity....on Oct. 8/9.