Sunday, March 21, 2010

Will it matter? - no judgement please...

So as we celebrate one more hour/day/week into this pregnancy, having her safe in my tummy, cooking just a lil bit longer, I sit here on the couch on day one of week 34 and listen to travis fight out his naptime - kicking walls, opening and closing doors, playing with various sound machine noises...oh he is now...i guess i will give in and just let him sit on the couch for the remainder of the time mitch is gone to the grocery store.  Mitch is gone from home 12+ hours a day, my family works, and the family that doesn't work just can't seem to find the time to offer grocery shopping, meals, babysitting, or just a visit to help travis get thru the day.  I want to give shout outs to those who have helped and offered, even with youth ministry jobs, babies to tend to PLUS babies in bellies,  kids in high school and college-but still make us dinner, even letting travis help them prep the meals for us here, chasing travis around the house, helping me keep him from climbing into his sisters crib, keeping him out of Lola's room (when are you coming to visit again, Lola?) and just the gentle reminder from you givers that i'm NOT a burden to you.  Yet, it is glaringly obvious that we are a burden.

When  we were pregnant with travis, we had placenta previa at 13 weeks and i had to stay on bedrest till week 20.  Then at week 34, bedrest again for preterm labor.  While pregnant with Cana, we had 2 drs appts a week from week 12 till delivery.  Teens worked in our yard after Hurricane Ike ripped every branch from almost every tree in our yard, while mitch and i had to keep our 2nd and confirming heart echo on Cana.  Meals were brought for weeks after we had her and returned her to the Lord.  A fundraiser to help us pay the medical bills was put on by dear friends at thanksgiving 2008.   People have stepped up consistantly and now i just feel as tho we have used up "that card."  It's not anyones fault that we are where we are.  But you throw grief on top of a subsequent pregnancy where bedrest is yet AGAIN required in order to keep this life growing in me...just feels unbearable right now.  Its not fair that we get stupid letters from HOA that some brick surrounding our house needs to be power washed asap..just a reminder that life outside of this bedrest situation goes on.  but not for us.  The only thing that SHOULD matter right now is doing whatever it takes to let this baby bake as long as she can.  Another NICU visit is not what we want.  Coming home without our baby girl in our arms, for however long that would be, is not what we want.  But there is a tree in the back yard, and only $800 to get it down before it falls on our house, is all it will take. 
Part of me is writing this to just vent it all out.  Even tho i know there will be some who will read this and feel i am having a pity party, or i'm making some sort of personal attack.  I'm just over bedrest. I'm over feeling like a burden.  I'm tired of having to call on the same 4 people to help, when those 4 people have JOBS and BABIES and pregnancies of their own to protect and endure.

and i have to somehow find the HOPE that what this all points me back to is Christ.  "could you not wait with me 1 hour?"  Dear Lord, my heart longs for your compassion and mercy.  Help me to be grateful for all we have, to not want OR NEED for anything but for more of you.



  1. You aren't having a pity party. I can only assume that this is all "normal" during the "abnormal". I'm thinking about you lots in these last few weeks of your pregnancy. If I were closer I would most definitely be there to help. Much love.

  2. You are BEAUTIFUL, and BLESSED:) It does not matter how you are brought to the trials, girl, it is about WHO you rely on to bring you through them:)

    I am offering up a Rosary every SINGLE DAY for you and that blessing of a life within you... please let me know what else I can do to help!! LOVE YOU:):):):)

    -Jen (cleveland:))

  3. Yeah it was really crappy of you to willfully thin your cervix so early in the game. Knock that off, mmkay?

    No one is doing one thing for you that they don't WANT to be doing. We all know that if the tables were turned (and who knows when they will be) you would be the first person in line to help. Your family is a blessing to so many and I am sure I speak for all of us when i say it is an absolute pleasure to help in any way possible.

  4. I'm sorry you aren't getting more help from those who should be helping you. I agree with the PP. Those who are helping I'm sure are very willing!!

  5. I have a finger dedicated to the HOA...and this is a personal INVITE to call MORE to ASK for help! :)
    But, I think we were more of a burden than I do understand. lol :)
    And this is no pity party, you have a right to it...but also realize how much you have helped someone else even while sitting in the confines of your own home. You are a blessing and always being 'used'.