Hey Chief! What's happenin...?

If you know me, you know that I'm pretty good at articulating my feelings. So i myself find it so strange that i've yet to post just a regular blog on how we are doing on this journey of grief and loss. Maybe that's cause the few of you who actually read this already know and i didn't want to bore you with repetition and sadness. But i've just gotta...

The days leading up to Mitch and Travis' bdays were odd. Mitch and I were pretty distant, unable to express any emotions or even get a grasp on how to handle (or not handle) them. It wasn't until a week or so after that weekend that we kind of realized how angry we were and the reasons for it.

I was looking at the pictures of the birthday party. There was a family shot. And it was kind of the first one i didn't mind posting of myself. (hard on myself with the baby(s) weight) But i sat there and just let it wash over me that our family of 4 is only visible to US. When you look at a family pic of us, you might say "oh how sweet." or even "oh..that would have been nice..if she didn't have icing in her teeth." But i look at it and say "one of us is missing..." And i wonder now...will i ALWAYS feel that way? Will i ever, for the rest of my life, ever look at a family shot of us and not immediately think of the one who isn't there? And then comes the anger....

When we have the birthdays, the gatherings, the what should have been HER firsts...when i think about this year (oct9,08 - 0ct9,09)...when i think about it being almost 8 months, i LONG for that 1 year anniversary. I LONG for this FIRST year to be OVER. I want it to be the day after the one year anniversary. I want to be done with these firsts. They SUCK. In the past, i didn't want any time to pass because it meant it was one more day since i'd held her in my arms. It meant it was further away from her. But now, i just want this year to be done. Made it threw year one, check. Next....

Most of my friends who were pregnant with me for baby #1...have had or are having their #2's. So i feel like i'm missing out on the conversations and sharing on how hard it is to juggle two now. Or watching my friends walk out with their babies in the stroller and their firsts tagging along behind. I wonder how travis would be with his little sister. I wonder if he knows he's a big brother. The reason i wonder this is because my friend Kathy came over yesterday with her #2, a baby girl - Naomi Jane. She is, so far, the only baby GIRL i've held...will hold. So far. So travis has been asking about her a LOT. When i mention going to play with the kids, he always asks if 'baby nomi" will be there. So when Kathy laid Naomi on the couch, travis crawled pretty much over kathy, to perch up on top of baby Naomi and just say, over and over again "hi baby girl...hi...hi baby girl.." It was gut wrenching and glorious all at once. Even later, when Mitch got home, and i asked travis to tell daddy what he said to the little girl that was here, he repeated it just the same.

Last night, i went to my little sisters dance recital. Allissa is almost 7. This is, i believe, her 4th recital. But i always go. I'd never miss it. But this year...was almost painful. I wasn't feeling particularly sad that day. I didn't feel like i'd been holding back or anything. But when i saw all those little girls dancing, and all the family that gathered around to praise the girls and oooh and aww over them...it hit me that i might not ever get to be a mommy to a baby girl here on earth. What if Cana was my only? What if years down the road, when i have all boys, someone asks me "so do you want to try for a girl?" and i want to shout "but i HAVE a girl!" (this happened to a girl in my support group.)

All in all, we still don't have anger towards God for this..but i realize that if we are angry with PEOPLE, then aren't we angry with God? I don't want to be angry, but in our trying to find hope in people, we've just been so let down. How do you have hope without expectation? We are still learning. Still growing. Still grieving. Please don't stop asking us how we are. And if you haven't asked us because you are afraid we'll "get sad," please be assured that we LOVE sharing about her. We LOVE when people ask. Or when people share a thought they had of her, esp. out of the blue. We love knowing she might have had an impact on your life. It really does make it better, even if just for that moment.

Travis' 2nd bday (oh and Mitch's bday too!)

A little something to make the family happy..some pics of our memorial weekend,which fell on Travis' 2nd and Mitch's 37th bday's.

We enjoyed a small gathering at the house on friday, 22nd, and then the rest of the weekend, we basically just hung around here enjoying all the fun new toys and the beautiful weather.

Travis got some much needed new clothes and a pretty decent start up collection of match box cars. We also treated him to a water table and a sand table. He likes to mix the two. Mom doesn't like the clean up of that neat trick. But my OCD is learning to take a backseat to the fun in the mess. I'm finding the joy in just watching him get messy. And wrigley likes the fact that she now has a giant water bowl that she doesn't have to bend down to drink from.

We also had a play date here at the house last friday. Bethany and her boys, Tye (2.5) and Jax (4 mo's) , Jamie and her boys Asher (2+) and Jude (10 mo's). They were a blast! Most of the time, it's independent play, but every once in a while, they'd scuffle over who gets to hold the birthday balloons still floating around. I, however, am enamored with Jude (my dude) and he is just as in love with me. The best part about us is that he doesn't mind that I haven't lost the baby weight yet, and i don't mind that he hasn't.

Easter Sunday

Our Easter celebration was full of new memories to hold on to and cherish. We went to the 11 o'clock mass at st. martha's and for the first time, had to attend the "spill over" mass in the FLC. It was bilingual..which was....neat. I really wouldn't call it bilingual since every song we sang was in spanish but...it's the same Jesus. And we still celebrate the resurrection, so hey, let's not be picky. Alleluia sounds the same in spanish anyways.

After mass, we were invited to Jeanne's oldest daughter's house..the Brown's...and they had quite the spread! Melanie and Kevin have 3 children and Jeanne's other daughter, Bridget (she sang at our wedding and Cana's funeral) and Steve have 3 children too...so lots of fun for travis! He really tries to keep up. The grownup boys coordinated the egg hunt, outside, on the lake side/shore ...Travis remembered "uncle ray" teaching him how to skip rocks. So that must be what he should do with the eggs. Mitch spent pretty much the entire time blocking travis' shots into the water. It was hilarious!

We had also had our own egg hunt at home that morning, so travis learned pretty quickly that the eggs that make "noise" have "moneys" in them. So when we got to melanie's, at the egg hunt, he would pick up an egg, shake it, and if it didn't make noise, his first response was to put it back down. Guess he doesn't have a sweet tooth?

HA HA TOLD YOU SO! (Mitch's First blog)

WOW!!!
I spent a week listening to Chris tell me that she really believed she had type II diabetes, and well I know she felt anxious and concerned that her blood sugar was too high and for me to come home with a tub of Pralines and Cream ice cream didn't help, but I wasn't as convinced as she was. So she went to see her doctor today and it turns out that she doesn't have it and that she was worrying her pretty little mind over a reading she was basing off of her gestational diabetes score. Turns out she was just tired. Travis seems to do that to even the most energetic of people.

While Chris was gone today, Travis locked himself, Wrigley (our dog) and Eliza (babysitter) out of the house for 3 hours!!! It's cool cause Eliza kept him hydrated with sips from the waterhose outside (Eliza you rule!!!).

Chris took a well deserved night off and spent it with friends while I took Travis out to dinner. We went to La Madeline where he flirted with the girls around us and ate half a quiche. He's such an awesome boy...amazes me that he's our son! I think he really digs riding around in daddy's truck as he likes to brag in public about it.

Thanks for keeping us in your prayers and please continue to do so! We love and pray for y'all as well! Good Night!

One more week 'til Travis and I share our B-Days!

2 in 2

So i'm two for two..and that's not in blogs, it's days to the gym. today is day 3. however, a rough night makes for no motivation. BUT, (and it's a big butt).....i made a committment and while YOU don't need me telling you every time i go to the gym, it does help ME to get er done.

I'm having a hard time listening to "Imagination Movers" while i work out tho. Mitch uploaded a TON of "travis mix" onto the mp3 player for our drive to rockport this past weekend. AND deleted my "work out mix."

There are some sweet jams on there tho.

Can i get a what-what?

what-what! Two posts in two days. that's right. I'm awesome.

So let's just put it out there, shall we? I'm pretty sure i have TYPE II diabetes. Now, let me be clear on something. I used to be a gym rat. I have yo yo lost weight (i won't say yo yo dieting because i never really could take on the food limitations) but i HAVE lost 50 pounds and 48 pounds at two different times in my life.

Once at 16 and once at 26. Now i'm not waiting till 36 to do this again.
And we're gonna attempt to double that number.

Here is my commitment to the few of you who read this...and to myself...
I'm going to lose 100 lbs.
However, i will not put a time limit on myself. Just gonna do it. It could take a year. Which would be ideal because we want to get pregnant again. Or i might break it up into two 50's cause we DO want to get on that baby bus before next summer.

so if you see me around, wink. I need all the encouragement i can get.

toldja.

Ok ok...i told you this would wind up on the "stuff i feel guilty for neglecting" list...but seriously, jamie, i can't take the pressure of coming up with fun stuff that i think people would actually WANT to read...the way i feel when i'm with you.....wait, WHAT? i just went into dirty dancing quotes there...sorry, lack of sleepishness. yes, it's a word.

I guess i can share how we just spent the weekend with mitch's parents for mother's day...and how i thought that sunday was the 9th, so when i realized it was the 10th, it was like the 9th never existed, so i never got the chance to "be sad." (for those of you newbies, the 9th is the anniversary "date" of my daughter's death) Anyhoosits, the overnight visit was blessed and even tho it's a lot of work to get down there (rockport) and then chase travis the whole time, it was wonderful to get to witness travis' awesomeness through the eyes of his grandparents. they met the need that mitch and i have to have that "normal" grandparent experience. They are enamored with him..not afraid to interact and bond..and it was just so fun!

on a side note, travis LOVES raw onions! Yeah..i'm starting to wonder if i dreamt birthing him and maybe he's some one else's offspring. because i HATE raw onions. I will even pick them off of a mcdonald's reg. hamburger...if i ate mcdonald's. cause i don't. nope. i'm stronger than that. no no..wait..i'm not. i not so secretly LOVE mcdonald's. i'm sorry. judge me.

oh..ok so getting back to travis...we were eating burgers (NOT mcdonalds) at home and he stuck his hand in the bowl of onions and just started munching. Like full on, grabbing for more. Then he picked up a sliced onion, and laid it on his face, even tilting his head back a bit so as to not let it fall. Then he made sure everyone at the table saw it before it fell. He's never done this with food before. He was quite the ham this weekend. And we got a refresher course on our abc's because that is the ONLY song he would sing. The entire drive there.

happy now, jamie?