Here we sit (or lay) on bedrest for week 6 and i'm dilated to 4.5cm as of holy thursday. 5 days later and i'm pretty certain we are progressing along at a pace faster than my heart desires. But let me be clear...i'm not AFRAID of losing her. I'm not fearful of the what if's and believe me, there are many. That's one of the catches of attending a support group (MEND) and hearing about all the other things that can go wrong. But what i'm most concerned about and most need your prayers for is my heart IF we deliver her so early that she has to spend any amount of time in NICU. I just don't want to be back there again. I don't WANT to come home empty handed....again. Even for just a night, a week, etc. And what hurts the most is that one of the most important members of my family...this just doesn't seem to cross his mind. It's more about "well, if that's what God wants..." I'm sorry but i have to disagree. We are under the laws of this world and i can't believe that God WANTS her to be born early. Yes, good comes from all things...esp. if we submit to the Lord and surrender our wants to His. BUT...if the reason i deliver early is because i had to do more because, hey, let's face it....stuff gots to get done!because that one family member couldn't be here...to offer anything...well, then yes, i guess you need to believe it's God's will.
Here i go, venting again. Lola comes in today. But i worry she isnt going to be able to keep up with travis like years past. Please pray for her. Please pray for travis to listen better, be more obedient, to be safe in whoever's care he's in. Please pray for us as we ask God for clarity (if we should induce early so we are in the hospital when she's born)...for all the things we missed out on with Cana (normal delivery, family able to hold her, no time in nicu)...but especially for us, just our strength in dealing with family who doesn't get it, who thinks a tear shed for the life we miss is some sort of weakness in our faith or belief that God moves in all things, esp. in our suffering. For me to surrender this cross and to surrender the hope that this person would be all i want them to be..to just accept them and to see Christ in them.
please pray for us.